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User Topic: Family of origin
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Denial is the strongest thing that keeps us in our addictions, keeps us from growing.

I'm having a bit of a rough day. After doing step one and admitting that I'm powerless, I was plagued with dreams trying to convince me that I wasn't really an alcoholic. My H said he went through the same thing early in his SA recovery.

Keep climbing out of denial, keep facing the truth. You're doing great!


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 751 | Registered: Mar 2013
lifeshattered
♀ New Member
Member # 43123
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SAAFWH is just starting his FOO with his IC. He And I are hoping we can get to the root of his addiction because with him it is buried so deep that he does really know his own full story. He has periods of his childhood that are blank. He know without the root of the issue that there will be no long term recovery.
Bless you and good luck on your journey


BS - 58
SAWH -57 - 22 prostitutes and online sex
Married 33 years
3 grown children
2 Granddaughters
33 years of lies

Posts: 25 | Registered: Apr 2014
Actionsoverwords
♂ Member
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lots of progress, Actions. I am sorry your meeting with your mother was disappointing, but you realize you cannot control her thoughts or actions. It is a long road, but you are getting there. Would you consider IC or 12 step again going in vulnerable and ready to work?

wishicouldredo,

I am currently in IC, on my fourth counselor, and searching for a CSAT to supplement individual counseling. Also, I am attending 12 step meetings at least twice a week and have a temporary sponsor and working step 1 again.

Denial is the strongest thing that keeps us in our addictions, keeps us from growing.
I'm having a bit of a rough day. After doing step one and admitting that I'm powerless, I was plagued with dreams trying to convince me that I wasn't really an alcoholic. My H said he went through the same thing early in his SA recovery.

Keep climbing out of denial, keep facing the truth. You're doing great!

sadone29,
Something that I learned about denial years ago, DENIAL = Don't even know [that] I am lying. It perpetuates the addiction and you are absolutely right it keeps us from growing. Step 1 is tough,I am on my 2nd iteration of it and it never gets easier. I've not dreamt that I wasn't an SA, but rather the opposite, dreaming that I was indulging in my acting out.

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I want to tell the truth for myself, my BW, and my DS.

My SAAFWH is just starting his FOO with his IC. He And I are hoping we can get to the root of his addiction because with him it is buried so deep that he does really know his own full story. He has periods of his childhood that are blank. He know without the root of the issue that there will be no long term recovery.
Bless you and good luck on your journey


lifeshattered,
Best of luck to you and your SAFWH. It is a tough road to go down for both of you. Are you currently attending COSA or seeing an IC? My BW told me that she's had some good experiences with COSA.


--
My BW and I spoke last night about something I had written in a post on another site regarding my acting out. I won't go into details, but I admitted to something that I've denied in the past and when my BW expressed her pain, for the first time in a long time I was not upset, didn't get upset later, nor did I shut her out. I want her to heal and I actually spoke to her. I know my words don't mean a whole lot, but I actually understand what it means to be here and present for her. The lifeboat analogy makes so much more sense.


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions.



Posts: 257 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I suffered Emotional and Physical Abuse. From an unfaithful alcoholic father. And an NPD mother. I am still on the tip of the iceberg is addressing my issues. My mind has literally blocked out almost all memories. I think I am up to 12 memories from my childhood through age 10. When I start thinking about it I feel like the song Demons by Imagine Dragons. here is an excerpt.

"Demons"

When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the bloodís run stale

I wanna hide the truth
I wanna shelter you
But with the beast inside
Thereís nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
Itís where my demons hide
Itís where my demons hide
Donít get too close
Itís dark inside
Itís where my demons hide
Itís where my demons hide

It took me almost 10 days, to build the courage to even tell my mother that she cannot talk belittle my BS anymore. That was it. And I could only send it in a text message. Man I am screwed up too.

I am proud of you for working on it. I know it is difficult. To stare the pain in the eye, the person that was supposed to love. But didn't or didn't know how. As we all seem to be still trying to get that love that was never given. A book that has helped me a lot is "Transforming your Dragons"

Best Wishes to you. Every journey starts with one step.


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 628 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
Actionsoverwords
♂ Member
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi DrJekyll,

I am sending good thoughts your way and I hope that you continue fighting and find the strength to dig deeper. Thank you for your kind words.

I have been listening to A LOT of inspirational music, reading a lot, journaling, and fighting. One of the things that has hit me hard lately is when the time of day comes and I am leaving BW and DS. It's difficult, but occasionally, something happens along these lines:

DS: *Does something amazing (smile, laugh, roll over , make noise, etc.)

BW: *Looks at me* "How can you leave all of this?"

Me: *Shakes my head* "I am so sorry, I don't want to."

And I leave, and my insides are shredded. I drive as fast as I can back to where I am staying, run into the apartment, shut the door, and just lay down and just let it out. I think to myself, I have really fucked up my BW and DS' world and I can't even imagine how my BW is dealing with me.

One thing is clear. I have to deal with FOO and all of my other issues before they deal with me. I wish you all the best of luck in your individual journeys towards recovery.


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions.



Posts: 257 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
Actionsoverwords
♂ Member
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi folks,

Checking in and wanted to post about this past weekend.

My mother invited my BW and DS to a barbecue on Sunday. BW declined the invitation so it was just me and DS. It is the first time that I was taking DS on an outing of this magnitude (driving an hour somewhere and being his only caretaker) alone. We made it to the event and it went well. My abuser was there and I ignored him and concentrated on enjoying family time. DS was the star and he managed to bring a smile to everyone's face. I left the outing with DS and I felt good that our first father son big event went well.

On the way back, I called BW and informed her that we were coming home and asked if she wanted me to bring dinner back. We talked and she brought up the fact that it was a trigger for her that I traveled to the geographic area where the event was held. This was where my acting out with prostitutes and AP took place and I understood why it was triggering for her. We spoke further and I asked her if it would help the next time if I checked in more frequently, spoke to her before the trip, ask her for her input, etc.

It was a tough conversation to have because I heard the pain in BW voice and in those instances previously, I tend to focus on the fact that she was "making me feel bad." This didn't happen this time and I was glad for it. We ended our talk and I apologized for my hurtful actions. I picked up dinner and headed home.

The route that I took home took me past the homes of a prostitute that I acted out with and the home of my AP. It did not hit me until I was committed to the route that this was the case. I was thinking that the way we came had a lot of construction and I wanted to get DS home before he had enough of being on the road.

I triggered so hard once I realized the aforementioned. I had euphorically recalled my encounters and felt my heart beating faster and faster. I eroticized all of my acting out and could hear the SA voice in my head telling me that was all very "hot." Thankfully, the veneer started to wear off of these memories and I reminded myself that I have the most precious thing in my life in the backseat and I need to be focused on driving before something terrible happens.

We made it home safely and I had to process everything that happened. Upon further reflection, I felt an enormous sense of guilt, shame, and pain. I was just incredulous how I could have harmed my BW, myself, and those women with my selfish actions. I was just thinking, "How the f*** did I throw away EVERYTHING and why?"

I am plagued with doubt. I very much want to recover and save the relationship that I am losing with my BW, but when these moments happen, I begin feeling sorry for myself and my hopes are dashed. I feel that there are too many things to overcome and I just want to curl up into a ball and die.

That being said, there is a lot of work that I have to do and I am not giving up. I just wanted to share my experience.


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions.



Posts: 257 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
Merida
♀ Member
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no stop sign so I just wanted to reach out and thank you for the candor in your revelations and thoughts, Actions, and I hope to be able to honor you by sharing this thread with my WH = a lot of good mental meat to ruminate on here

you read like you have your feet on solid introspective ground so all the best as you continue digging and working


[This message edited by Merida at 9:31 AM, June 10th (Tuesday)]


"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!

BW 45
WH 46

married 17 years
3 kids


Posts: 197 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
Actionsoverwords
♂ Member
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Merida,

Thank you for your kind words. I wish you and your WH the best of luck and I hope that I am able to be helpful.

I just want to recap some things that have happened today and process them. My BW and I had agreed on a deadline for my disclosure and I blew the deadline....again. The first time, I told her that I had a few things that I still left out, but that the disclosure was 99.9 percent done. She told me she rather have a complete disclosure that is 100 percent complete and late rather than an incomplete product. Well, yesterday was the deadline and because she didn't mention anything, I didn't bring it up.

Needless to say, it was not forgotten about and she asked me why I did not send it to her last night. I told her that it was complete and it could be found on one of the applications on a device that we own. She pressed on and asked me why she had to go search for it and why did I not take the initiative and send it to her.

Long story short, I didn't because I had felt that whatever I wrote, I would also have this nagging feeling that it was incomplete. I had commented on another poster's thread here in the Wayward Side sub-forum that even when I have told the truth or done something completely, there was still doubt in my mind that something was missing. My BW brought up an excellent point, asking me why did I not communicate with her. I relayed that I wanted her to ask me for my disclosure and that I did not want to bring it up. We spoke some more and she told me that I caused a lot of harm today by my inaction.

We also had to take DS to a doctor's appointment today, he was supposed to get some shots and a check up. I pride myself as someone who is always on time (except when I am not on time for my BW and DS), but we ended up late and missed seeing our normal doctor. The good part was that we we were lucky we were seen at all because the practice has a policy of rescheduling patients who are more than 15 minutes late.

BW and I spoke about this tonight and acknowledged that generally if it was me making an appointment for myself and by myself I will be early, but in the past few months when we had to be somewhere together, we always run late. My BW by her own admission is a bit slow in getting it together and being on time, but taking DS to the doctor has been something that she has been doing for a while now and they have a system. I won't go into why today was different, but needless to say, part of the reason we were late was because I refused to tell her that we had to get going by a certain time.

This is not the first time. Generally, if we have to be somewhere by 5, I am ready to go by 4. I feel that BW should know that we have to be somewhere and should make an effort to be ready to go because she knows that she is a bit slower and therefore, should work on correcting her own behavior. I was not going to accept responsibility for her "slowing" us down.

She contends that I should speak up and let her know that it is crucial that we leave at a certain time. I agree, but wonder why she can't just work on getting ready faster instead of me speaking up, therefore, placing the blame on her.

I reflect on these issues and feel a number of things. In the past few months, because of my actions, I have felt more alone than any other time in my life. In our conversations, BW will make it a point (or I perceive it as such) that we our marriage bears no semblance to any real marriage and that she would jokingly refer to herself as my ex-wife. Because I am an SA and I constantly look at women, sexualize them, pretend like I am not looking, and go through these mental gymnastics, she has told me that she has problems being out with me. Her choice has been to basically ignore me when we are out together.

Adding to everything, maintaining separate residences, and some other things going on, our financial situation is not as strong as it once was. There have been talks about BW and DS moving to BW's hometown where the cost of living is lower while I stay here to maximize our dollars, gain more space for them, and to give myself time to work on my SA recovery. Obviously, my concern is that with greater distance, it becomes easier for both of us to let go of our marriage.

It's hard. I wonder if I had picked the right time to address my FOO issues when I should have been working harder on saving my marriage. I wonder if it doesn't matter and that FOO issues and my marriage are part and parcel of the same thing. I am trying to stay positive, but it gets harder everyday. I know that life isn't easy and it isn't always fair. But the saddest thing is that I did it to myself.

Can any WS out there relate? How did you get through it, did you get through it?


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions.



Posts: 257 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Needless to say, it was not forgotten about and she asked me why I did not send it to her last night.

You made a commitment to a time frame and did not deliver. Whether or not she remembered at the time. You have to deliver. You need to follow through on your commitment. I have felt the same things, I find myself not bringing up the A's when she is having a good day. But then she doesn't always want to be the one to bring it up. So I am working on this. Also another thing to keep in mind, the betrayal that we have inflicted on our BS is always on their mind. Even though she did not talk with you about it she was most likely thinking about it the whole day. She was probably terrified about the prospect of it. And scared what she would read. And what you had done is continue her anticipation on that, fail to deliver on your commitment, and make her feel unimportant.

I constantly look at women, sexualize them

I used to objectify women also. And here are the 2 tools that I use. 1. I try to picture the pain in my BS face from dday. and apply it to my current behavior. and then 2. I try to imagine what that person is doing wherever it is going on. Giving them Human characteristics. these have helped me greatly. Maybe they can help you too.

I wonder if I had picked the right time to address my FOO issues when I should have been working harder on saving my marriage. I wonder if it doesn't matter and that FOO issues and my marriage are part and parcel of the same thing.

I have wondered this too. When I saw my first IC he told me that you are trying to fix your foundation while your house is on fire. So we worked on the house first. But after about 3 visits with my our MC. We came to terms with my FOO is an overwhelming factor, and that I need to work on that before we can ever heal the M.


Another thing that has helped my thinking greatly. I have to heal for me. I can hope that my BS will still love me at the end. But think about it, if you heal and are good to her, why wouldn't she. There is always a risk of it being a deal breaker. but you have to accept that. And that the only you can control is you. I found that realization to be quite freeing.

So keep working, keep fighting. But in order for you to heal, you have to heal for you.


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 628 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
Actionsoverwords
♂ Member
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You made a commitment to a time frame and did not deliver. Whether or not she remembered at the time. You have to deliver. You need to follow through on your commitment. I have felt the same things, I find myself not bringing up the A's when she is having a good day. But then she doesn't always want to be the one to bring it up. So I am working on this. Also another thing to keep in mind, the betrayal that we have inflicted on our BS is always on their mind. Even though she did not talk with you about it she was most likely thinking about it the whole day. She was probably terrified about the prospect of it. And scared what she would read. And what you had done is continue her anticipation on that, fail to deliver on your commitment, and make her feel unimportant.

I should have realized it. Hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20, but when the pressure is on, I shut down. If you don't mind me asking, what has helped you bring up uncomfortable topics? I totally relate to the fact that betrayals are not brought up if the day is going well. That is classic me and I need to stop this shit.

I used to objectify women also. And here are the 2 tools that I use. 1. I try to picture the pain in my BS face from dday. and apply it to my current behavior. and then 2. I try to imagine what that person is doing wherever it is going on. Giving them Human characteristics. these have helped me greatly. Maybe they can help you too.

Thanks for the suggestions. I have tried a number of variations on what you wrote with limited success. I know for me, I walk around like a ball of anxiety. The sexualization allows me to not deal with the aforementioned anxiety. In fact, when I am upset my first inclination is to sexualize a women then go act out. I will keep on practicing the tools though.

I have wondered this too. When I saw my first IC he told me that you are trying to fix your foundation while your house is on fire. So we worked on the house first. But after about 3 visits with my our MC. We came to terms with my FOO is an overwhelming factor, and that I need to work on that before we can ever heal the M.

One of the things that keeps coming back to me is my BW's voice telling me that I should have been honest and dealt with this before DS. I really regret the fact that I TT and that I did not come clean and really get help years ago.

Another thing that has helped my thinking greatly. I have to heal for me. I can hope that my BS will still love me at the end. But think about it, if you heal and are good to her, why wouldn't she. There is always a risk of it being a deal breaker. but you have to accept that. And that the only you can control is you. I found that realization to be quite freeing.

So keep working, keep fighting. But in order for you to heal, you have to heal for you.

I am working on healing for me. I know that regardless of what happens, if I don't fight, I will die. I don't want my son paying for my sins and addiction and I don't want any part of this crap affecting me. While I was thinking about this today and my whole situation as a whole, I ended up in one of those suicidal moods again. It hurts a lot and I have to really reach down and find the strength to not say, "Okay, that's it, I am done," and not drive my car into a brick wall at a high rate of speed. It used to be that I can talk myself out of it really quickly like, "I would never hurt myself, I am too much of a coward," or "I can't do it to DS," but lately, it seems easier to go in the other direction.

I accept that I might lose my marriage and my DS at the end of all of this. Some days I feel like that I lost them already. I was penning my letter to DS the other night (Not as a suicide note, but a letter telling him how much I love him in case anything ever happened to me) and I just could not continue because it hurt so much because I don't want to lose him.

I don't know, just rambling at this point, but thanks for your response.


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions.



Posts: 257 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what has helped you bring up uncomfortable topics?

I am only just beginning to be able to bring up things on my own, but here is where I start.

First I think through and process it myself to get an understanding and then ask, "there is something I have been thinking about and would like to share. would you like to hear it?"

This gives my BS the opportunity to decide is she wants to hear or not. May not be the best approach, but it is a start. Again I am in the very early stages maybe only a handful of times. But I keep trying and moving forward.

I have tried a number of variations on what you wrote with limited success.

Another thing I use, it to imagine how I would feel if this was another person sexualizing my wife or daughter, and how I would feel. Because most likely that woman is somebody's mother or wife, and definitely somebody's daughter.

BW's voice telling me that I should have been honest and dealt with this before DS.

I have this too, why didn't I go to counseling after my brother died in my arms from shooting himself? Why didn't I go to counseling after the stress of our handicapped son and 4 years of in and out of the hospital? Why didn't I go to counselling after getting away from my family? A lot of whys. And should haves. But we cannot fix the past, nor change the future. All we can do is live in the now. It is the actions you take now that will change your future. Learn from your past so that you do not repeat it.

I ended up in one of those suicidal moods again

I used to have those same moods. Before I could heal, I had to want to live. Regardless of the life I would have. I had to want it. After wanting it, Then I could decide what kind of life I would reach for.
You can only love others with the capacity of how much you love yourself. You can only respect others with as much as you respect yourself. So when you are thinking about your BS and DS. Remember these things, they can help with fighting the suicidal thoughts. (Gently) And suicide is still an "all about me" statement. You have to love you, not what you have done, but love yourself.
When I feel my thoughts closing in around me, I try to visualize sunshine. I feel like I am being pulled into the darkness, so I fight to stay in the light.
Hang in there and keep fighting!!!!


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 628 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
Actionsoverwords
♂ Member
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am only just beginning to be able to bring up things on my own, but here is where I start.
First I think through and process it myself to get an understanding and then ask, "there is something I have been thinking about and would like to share. would you like to hear it?"

This gives my BS the opportunity to decide is she wants to hear or not. May not be the best approach, but it is a start. Again I am in the very early stages maybe only a handful of times. But I keep trying and moving forward.

Thanks for the advice. I realize that I haven't been fighting for our relationship and I remain passive and inert for the same old reasons. Breaking out of the cycle begins with a step and I hope to be able to do that.

Another thing I use, it to imagine how I would feel if this was another person sexualizing my wife or daughter, and how I would feel. Because most likely that woman is somebody's mother or wife, and definitely somebody's daughter.

I am pretty fucked up here. I am so insecure that I have pictured other people sexualizing my wife and worse and I think that they are probably better than me in a lot of ways. One of the things that I have been trying is that when I am out of my son, I remind myself that he watches EVERYTHING and I can't pollute him. It works sometimes, but it feels more effective that the other tools that I have used.

I have this too, why didn't I go to counseling after my brother died in my arms from shooting himself? Why didn't I go to counseling after the stress of our handicapped son and 4 years of in and out of the hospital? Why didn't I go to counselling after getting away from my family? A lot of whys. And should haves. But we cannot fix the past, nor change the future. All we can do is live in the now. It is the actions you take now that will change your future. Learn from your past so that you do not repeat it.

Amen.

I used to have those same moods. Before I could heal, I had to want to live. Regardless of the life I would have. I had to want it. After wanting it, Then I could decide what kind of life I would reach for.
You can only love others with the capacity of how much you love yourself. You can only respect others with as much as you respect yourself. So when you are thinking about your BS and DS. Remember these things, they can help with fighting the suicidal thoughts. (Gently) And suicide is still an "all about me" statement. You have to love you, not what you have done, but love yourself.
When I feel my thoughts closing in around me, I try to visualize sunshine. I feel like I am being pulled into the darkness, so I fight to stay in the light.
Hang in there and keep fighting!!!!

What you said makes a lot of sense; BW mentioned something similar to me regarding self love the other week. I know suicide is a selfish thought and a selfish thing to do. I've seen the aftermath of a few and I've seen the effect on the family of the deceased. Thank your remarks, DrJekyll, I really appreciate your reply.


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions.



Posts: 257 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
Topic Posts: 32
Pages: 1 · 2

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