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User Topic: I am the Monster
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Member # 39633
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remorse is not a one time I said sorry.

Remorse is not acting sweet and doing the dishes every night

Remorse is every day, every second, every action, every decision, every word uttered totally focused on writing the wrongs and HELPING YOU HEAL. whilst also working her butt off to heal herself and her issues.

You would know what remorse looked like if you saw it, right now it looks like you're looking for a flicker of anything remotely resembling remorse and not finding it.

4 D-days and yet you're the one meant to get over blow after blow to fix the family? How many car crashes before you say no more, you can't can't keep hammering the dents out then letting her drive the car until another crash.

As for proposals? The greatest gift you've given is four chances to reconcile. For that alone she should have been on her knees grateful.

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jun 2013
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Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I want to share an older post with you that I think is relevant to your situation. I had similar issues in MC, but not to the same degree. I'd let the MC know that pre-Affair issues are *off the table* until the affair is dealt with.

Credit to wincing_at_light:

It sounds like you're getting the right mindset after initially being bombarded with tons of bad advice. Which is not to say that it's *completely* horrible advice, because giving your WS space to feel safe enough to share the truth (as they see it, not to be confused with objective truth) is a valuable tool in, you know, getting information you can work with and base practical decisions on. It's akin, in my mind, to telling an average looking girl how gorgeous she is so she'll take off her pants. She gets a little of what she wants so you ultimately get what you want. If you keep telling her, "Eh, you're sort of average and I've had better, but it's not like my weiner will rot off from touching you."...that's probably going to end in a romantic fail. Same way if you blow up at your WW every time she says something stupid, insensitive, self-serving or Lake District caliber foggy. You can take all of those gems, put them in your journal and use them as excuses to forget your anniversary or her birthday next year. It all comes out square in the end.

I've heard on lots of other forums that you can't punish and reconcile at the same time. It's a popular theme, especially from WW's on those sorts of forums who want to blame their husbands' failures or the state of the marriage for their out-of-character behavior. I happen to disagree. You just make sure you don't call it punishment. Call it "acting from hurt" or "triggering about x", where x just happens to occur at convenient times for you. There's a driving need in a great many BH's to obtain some sort of equity out of this process, to level the playing field. This is usually dismissed with a trite "nothing is ever going to make you even, so get over it" sort of expression.

I disagree. Even is whatever you say it is. Some guys pursue that sense of justice with RA's. The outcome is rarely what they expect it to be in terms of satisfaction, so it is considered a fail. I think RA's are more a failure of imagination on the justice/vengeance scale, and that's why people tend to be disappointed by them. They don't truly address the need for equity. A big part of what galls BH's over time is the sense that their wife got one over on them, that she has access to all of this secret information, and he can never have it. He's supposed to become Mr. Emotional Transparency and a surrogate female BFF so she never feels unfulfilled again and gets the Best. Marriage. Evar., and thus be content because she's not going to cheat on *that*. LOOK AT HOW MUCH HAPPIER WE R NOW THAT YOU DO EVERYTHING I WANT AND R SO AFRAID OF MY WILD SNOG-SEEKING VAGINA THAT YOU WILL NEVER DARE FAIL!!!!

Which, of course, ignores the fact that most of us were pretty decent husbands in the first place. This is one of the major issues I have with most infidelity recovery philosophies. They imply that the BH must clean up all of his shit, every mean thing he ever said, every insensitive thing he ever did and convert himself into the emotional version of Fabio in a way that precisely fits his wife's taste...and her job is to stop fucking other people. As if her fucking other people was the only thing she ever did wrong in the marriage, while *everything* he did was wrong. People conveniently forget that for every WS out there with a list of grievances for their spouse's failures, there is a BS who has been married to that WS who has a list of grievances JUST AS LONG that we accepted, tolerated and loved them through in exactly the way they did not accept, tolerate and love us. Instead, our shit became the legitimate fuel to justify their behavior.

Hello goose, meet gander. If you make me pay (which you have, by fucking other people as a way of dealing with it) for everything I've done wrong, then you've stated definitively that the way relationships should work is that people make others pay for their failures. No double standards. Either that, or we have to agree that I have now paid in full for everything I've ever done wrong, and for the rest of our married life, you have to shut the fuck up about it, because I've paid. It's not my fault if your method of exacting payment didn't work for you. You can't expect me to pay twice.

Which is a really long way around of saying by focusing on you, on what makes you happy and what gives your life meaning outside of the marriage, is a really good start. I was so sick of reading about relationships, about marriage repair, about understanding love-fucking languages, knowing your wife's menstrual cycle, understanding her FOO, blah, blah, blah, by about a year out, I was ready to join a monastery. Or get an 18 y.o. girlfriend who wasn't old enough yet to realize how fucked up she was by being human. Toss up, there.

Instead, I went back to grad school for fun. Wrote a couple of novels. Decided I could play video games if I wanted. Finally bought MLB Extra Innings so I could watch all the baseball I wanted. In other words, I invested my energy in finding out what brought me happiness instead of burning myself out trying to figure what would make her happy, and thus make my marriage a safe place.

Because one thing I learned: when you like yourself and you like your life, one part of it (like your marriage) going into the shitter doesn't take away your joy from the rest of it. It gives you the objectivity to decide what you want to keep in your life and what you can excise because it's become more trouble than it's worth.

It is infinitely better to be married because you want to be there but don't have to be than to feel like you can't imagine a future where you're not married to this person. Working on you is a way of preventing those sorts of failures of imagination.

And working on you is not fixing those things your wife has identified as problems with you. What the fuck does she know? This is a woman who handles life's curveballs by doing impersonations of the Holland Tunnel with her vagina. She is not qualified to diagnose other people's dysfunctions, let alone yours, whom she has identified as someone who is worth, or deserves, to be traumatized and punished for all the things she doesn't like about you.

You work on the shit *you* want to make better about yourself. Maybe you want to learn how to shoot automatic weapons. Maybe you want to study knife fighting or get some cool ninja-hacking skills. Maybe you realize that you're not assertive enough in the workplace and need to work on speaking up for yourself. We've all got a list of things we'd like to try out, to see if the destinies fit, but we put them on the back burner once we got married, because we didn't think our spouse could handle something so radically different. Guess what? Now is your time to explore those things. What's she going to say? "Who you're becoming makes me feel scared and helpless, like I don't know (how to control) you anymore?"

Guess what, I had all of those feelings from you fucking other men, and I had to grow up and deal. Welcome to the adulthood club. You should be getting a beanie and vest in the mail shortly.

So that's what part of my process looked like. We're six years out. Happily married. My wife has done a ton of work on herself. I might get into that later.

You heal. Life goes on.

I have a competition in me.

Posts: 2262 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LS, flat out, no remorse.

BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3173 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


IMO, some of your posts say to me you're letting the MC control your life, and others say to me that you're letting your W control your life. Have I missed where you've talked about what you need in the MC sessions? Have you pointed out that your W has to change, to, to become a woman you want to be with?

As I wrote elsewhere, up to now, you've vented about your W, and you've let yourself get roped into an MC process that leads only to rugsweeping and stuffing your feelings. You seem pretty solidly stuck in the Drama Triangle, and that just leads to more hurt.

You can go on like this, and you'll keep getting support from SI if you ask for it, but your life won't change unless you change yourself.

Talk to your IC about changing your life. Talk to him about co-dependency, about the 180, about getting yourself heard in your M, and if necessary total detachment. Don't spend much time analyzing why you're the way you are. You want change now. If this IC won't help, find a new IC.

You're the only one who can get you unstuck.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10580 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just curious, are you still "remorseful" for your porn use? I think she's just using that as a weapon against you now, but do you throw back an "I said sorry already" or have you been working on it and still say a genuine sorry to her if you think she is truly hurting from it?

Cause your wife is ALREADY telling you, "I said sorry already," about her affairs, which means UNremorseful. Looking at it from here, she's not trying to help you heal. At. All. She is NOT ready to R yet, and you shouldn't be offering it to her right now unless she is begging you for it.

But no one said you have to file for D immediately, but I think you DO need to do the 180. Just take a breath already and give yourself some space from her. FOCUS ON YOU. That was an awesome post from wincing_at_light.

You work on the shit *you* want to make better about yourself. Maybe you want to learn how to shoot automatic weapons. Maybe you want to study knife fighting or get some cool ninja-hacking skills. Maybe you realize that you're not assertive enough in the workplace and need to work on speaking up for yourself. We've all got a list of things we'd like to try out, to see if the destinies fit, but we put them on the back burner once we got married, because we didn't think our spouse could handle something so radically different. Guess what? Now is your time to explore those things

THIS ^^^^^^

xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2698 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
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Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am still remorseful about my porn use. I wish I never done it. I wish I was addicted to drugs cause the secret to that is to not get the substance but it is stuck in my head and i have to replace it with other things.

When she brings it up. I said I am sorry, and I am constantly taking precautions to make sure I don't fall back into it. I have a boundary system and all types of applications for monitoring my internet use.

I am working on myself. I am not PUNKING out about my side of the street.

I am doing a garden project that I think is awesome, and I am working on getting my body back in shape. I am obese by doctors standards so I been doing paleo diet and strength training.

I actually told her that she shouldn't even want to Reconcile the other day. It would be pointless for her I said because she is not willing to do anything and she doesn't love me. She even hasn't read anything I sent about infidelity or made an effort to understand how I could feel. She just doesn't want to deal with that.

I took Reconciliation off the table based on her reaction. She doesn't care about me like she thinks. If she did, she would be asking to reconcile and so forth. The only person who has been begging is her father. In my opinion, from things I read, it is over. They call what she did an EXIT AFFAIR. Well, there is the door.

I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
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