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Newest Member: Devestated1976 (45450)

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User Topic: I'm the bad guy?
FUBAR858
♂ New Member
Member # 40515
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So last night WW and I had a little heated discussion, if even that,about the possibly of vacation this summer. Now back up about 6 months ago, she had asked if a vacation was going to happen. I believe at this time I had her move back in. I told her then that most likely not. I was starting 3 months of training and then another 6 months of a probationary period. During this time we can't swap shifts, have no vacation time in, and is frowned upon even if you call out sick ( hell, I worked 3 days with a temp of 103). They can fire you for looking at them cross eyed if they wanted and you don't have the union to back you up. I'm also on temp assignment so my shift and days off could change and I'd only have 10 days notice.
So the other day she told me that she was looking at hotels and wanted to go somewhere. I responded by saying that sounds nice and agreed to look at some places with her. Once we starting talking about it last night, I informed her again that it might be tough to schedule right now. I recently put in to win a bid (shift) and will know in about 10 days. If I don't win it then there is a possibly my shift could completely change.
Why do I feel like the bad guy here? Yes I told her it sounded good but originally said it may not happen. I even asked her to wait the 10 days to see what happens. I never said "no" just wait a bit. She's said that work comes first with me. Well in this case, yes. If I get fired for going on vaca then we loose everything, I won't find another job at this pay. I gave up working 80-100 hrs a week with a job I absolutely loved to be there for my family. Why can't we wait a bit or plan it in August when I'm off probation? Why does she get so pissed when I try to explain why it may not happen or we need to hold off for a bit?
Sorry for the rant. Any advice on how to handle this with would be great.

Posts: 44 | Registered: Aug 2013
OakStreet
♀ Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You certainly are not the bad guy here. If you are truly in R, AND making a job move at the same time, she should understand this.

Perhaps you can take a weekend away and then plan the longer vacay for later.


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 503 | Registered: Nov 2013
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why does she get so pissed when I try to explain why it may not happen or we need to hold off for a bit?

This sounds like she still might have some selfishness issues to work on. I can understand being disappointed that you might not be able to go when she'd like to but to turn it around and get pissed with you is manipulative bullshit. Especially if waiting means just waiting until August. Sounds a lot like a temper tantrum.

I agree that a weekend away would be nice but not until she understands that this sort of reaction is unacceptable. Don't reward her for acting like a child. I wouldn't let this pass without a conversation regarding her reaction. Once she gets it and agrees to work to better understand her feelings, then plan that weekend.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1996 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, cheaters have a tendency to look at everything in the context of how it serves THEM and what THEY stand to gain.

She's just using that same 'me, me, me' mentality about vacation. No big surprise.

You'll probably just have to explain to her that when scientists finally discover the center of the universe - and she's NOT it - maybe THEN she'll finally 'get' it. And maybe that will also help her realize that the vacation she wants so bad is not everyone else's first priority.


.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 8:59 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)]


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1836 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's possible she sees your job as a threat..or rather, your loose boundaries with your coworkers. Have you worked on making those boundaries stronger? How so? Have you discussed this with her?


So...maybe her reaction was, in part, based on your past interactions with these coworkers. And the coworker that you told you "loved" her. What have you done to reassure your wife that she has nothing to be concerned about?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7743 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
FUBAR858
♂ New Member
Member # 40515
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It does feel like the instant gratification or me, me, me mentality. Now looking back on it, its always been that way. She has a tendency to always think its because I don't want to, not the fact that we may not have the money or before when I was all about work, that I didn't have the time. I would absolutely love to go on a vacation this year or even a day trip. I left a job that I loved to be home more and yes make more too.
She makes me feel like such a disappointment when she gets upset over these things.
Not for nothing but when does it ever become about me? You're the one that went off and had an A. I've asked for some simple little things to make me happy, have validation, feel wanted and I need to keep asking for them cause you don't do it on your own. Why do I feel like I need to make her happy all the time and if I don't then I suck?

Posts: 44 | Registered: Aug 2013
FUBAR858
♂ New Member
Member # 40515
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused

Other then my safety at work, there are no boundary issues with the new job. 99% of my coworkers are male and to be blunt, your reply makes no sense to me.


Posts: 44 | Registered: Aug 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read this old thread...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=529945&HL=40515


But I see that at one point you referred to them as "old coworkers" so I guess this is no longer an issue?

And the old female coworker you were texting? Is your WW no longer concerned about her?

ETA: Or maybe I have you mixed up with another BH? Your WW didn't find a message(text or facebook) to a female coworker calling her "Pickle" and telling her you love her?

If I have you confused with someone else, my apologies.

[This message edited by confused615 at 9:46 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7743 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
FUBAR858
♂ New Member
Member # 40515
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused

Thank you for getting this thread off track. I was hoping to get answers and insight into what I originally posted about. In reading all your responses from any of my post its obvious you have your mind set about me. Do me a favor and PM me and we can go into great detail about everything.


Posts: 44 | Registered: Aug 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Out of respect for your WW, I won't PM you. it's one of my boundaries.

I didn't intend for this to be a threadjack. I thought you were looking for insight as to why your WW might have gotten so upset.

My thought was..maybe it's an issue with your loose boundaries at work...and her insecurities over the female coworker that caused her to become so upset...not waiting 10 days to discuss taking a vacation and making reservations. It seems she got rather upset over something minor...so perhaps there is an underlying issue that is at play here. I was simply asking if these issues, the boundaries and the female coworker, had been to put to rest to your WW's satisfaction.

But maybe you were just wanting to vent.

Sorry I misunderstood.


End of threadjack.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7743 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
FUBAR858
♂ New Member
Member # 40515
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused
Thank you for clarifying what you were trying to say. She has always done this so I don't think it has anything to do with the coworker and I'm unsure if WW satisfied with everything, she hasn't said.
BTW that brings a different topic up and maybe you can help me on this. A few weeks back I told her that another female coworker for the old job put on my FB that I was sweet and missed me. WW was OK with this female saying that. So my question to you is, how the hell does that work? Its OK for one female to say it but not another? How about the male coworker that when he saw me, came running up, gave me a huge and said, "I love you"? Is it cause WW thinks " Pickle " is more attractive than the second girl?

Posts: 44 | Registered: Aug 2013
FUBAR858
♂ New Member
Member # 40515
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone else can chime in on my questions above also. Both WW and BS are welcome.

Posts: 44 | Registered: Aug 2013
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are secure in your masculinity, she may not be worried about a male saying "I love you". I say ILY to several close female friends. I do love them. But not *that* way. I'm not bi, I'm not closet lesbian. I express my care for them within boundaries my husband and I agree on.

Do you have a history of "You're sweet, I miss you" with this other woman like you did with Pickle? Here's my whole thing with that. A nickname, no matter how silly it may seem, suggest ease, familiarity, and thus a threat. If my husband called a woman by any affectionate nickname, he wouldn't have a scrotum left.

As to the original issue. I am married to a workaholic. (He wasn't always that way.) My LL is quality time. When my husband is gone 100 hours a week and promising me "We'll go out Saturday night" only for date night to roll around and he works till 11pm, it is incredibly hurtful. And when it happens over and over and over and over, it shows me I am not important to him.

Sure he has to make a living. Sure he's the breadwinner. But he chose to get married and he chose to have children with me. Why bother with those two things if he isn't around to participate in our lives? I get probation periods and whatnot. I get all that. However, I also know life is uncertain. My husband was laid off completely unexpected on December 1st three years ago. The company was doing fabulous, they were busy. But the owner of the company was having a bipolar moment and fired everyone. Didn't matter that QS was excellent and the biggest moneymaker. He still lost his job.

Its priorities. Yes its good to work. Yes it's good to be responsible with it. But you also have a responsibility to your wife and family. If you want R, if you are working toward R, you have to meet her in the middle of the road. Could she have reacted to your news about the trip better? Sure. But how many times have you told her no in the past? How many times have you blown her off and made plans on your own and without her completely? Do you make an effort to spend time with her? Do you make it up to her when plans fall thru? My husband didn't. And I resented him for it. He said he cared. But his actions proved otherwise. I was second to the almighty dollar. Our kids were no comparison to the next big contract.

Also, my husband used work to run. Instead of dealing with life and what it threw at him, he buried himself in work. He avoided hard conversations. He hid. He withdrew. That's deadly for R.

There are many variables in this FUBAR. Its not an isolated event. Its not just one thing. You have to look at the bigger picture. Kwim?

[This message edited by Aubrie at 2:16 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6323 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please note - I'm not out to make you or her the bad guy. Neither of you are 100% right or wrong.

Everything I typed above is my opinion, my situation, you can take or leave it. Not trying to make waves or anything.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6323 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
FUBAR858
♂ New Member
Member # 40515
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I appreciate it. I guess I need to get use to 2x4s (I think I'm saying that in the right lol). With the nicknames, I understand where you are coming from but the issue there is the majority of us at the old job has some sort of nickname. It may be sweet or rude. My old partners nickname was Peckerhead. I do have a history with the other coworker with you're sweet, I miss you etc., as I do with a lot of other ppl (male and female) from there. Its just how we are.
I'll completely admit that with the old job I most likely ran and worked to hide from issues. I figured I was doing good by switching careers and going from 80+ hrs to only 40. I figured because we talked about how the begin would be tough but then she would be married to a normal working husband, she'd understand.

Posts: 44 | Registered: Aug 2013
FUBAR858
♂ New Member
Member # 40515
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also to add to that. I love only working 40 hrs! Its so nice being like a real family, going to soccer practice, working on the garden together, going on hikes and so on. I've changed (or so I thought) for the better but this vacation thing makes me feel otherwise.

Posts: 44 | Registered: Aug 2013
Owl6118
♂ Member
Member # 42806
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like you both agree that you need to wait on the shift calendar (I work shift too, so believe me I understand). So you agree on the facts but still walked away both angry.

I think you two need to sit down, calm as you can, and go over the conversation with an eye on feelings, not facts. You need to ask her, not us, why she felt so disappointed--what did your answer make her feel? And she needs to give you the exact same courtesy. And you both need, as a ground rule, that you are neither one going to try to punish the other for feeling the way he or she does--you need to just get it out in the daylight and understand it, so it doesn't fester in the dark.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Mar 2014
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FUBAR, I may have said this before, but I'm so glad you're posting here.

Why do I feel like I need to make her happy all the time and if I don't then I suck?

Months ago, I called out your WW for having this expectation that you're supposed to "make her happy," and as I recall she acknowledged that it's an attitude she's working to overcome.

We didn't develop these character flaws (or whatever you want to call them) overnight, and it takes a lot of time and effort to learn new habits.

How would you rate the effectiveness of your marital communication skills? Does it seem like you say one thing, and she hears something completely different? Does she sometimes interpret your words in a way that makes you go or ?

That's kinda what I'm sensing here, that you two may both be jumping to conclusions that the other didn't intend. You might want to try active listening, which can be tedious but is effective not only in dissipating potential conflict, but in understanding how your partner's communication style differs from yours.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1249 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Tickingtock
♀ Member
Member # 41411
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems to me that this has gotten a little out of hand. WW felt hurt and felt like she was second in your life, so she used words to express that to you. You used words to express how you felt. You both seem to be acknowledging each others feelings. It seems to me that this is exactly what you should be doing.


Me: 31, exBGF, now married

Posts: 189 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: West Coast, USA
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's said that work comes first with me.
She might be afraid you are leaving her mentally and just can't tell you. So I think it best to talk to her about this. Ask her if that is what she is worried about or that she has no clue what shape the economy is in.

If she continues, you should find 5 articles about the economy and what it is like to be homeless and live in the car and show them to her.

Then maybe she would understand how it is and why work has to come first.

Does she work?


Posts: 4159 | Registered: Jun 2002
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