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User Topic: In The End--It's How You Handle Rejection
JerseyCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 41441
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After over 2 years into this process and now divorced again (2 X's I might add this infidelity thing was done to me), I have finally come to the conclusion that how quickly you recover all hinges on how you handle rejection because that's what this boils down to...BS's are rejected by the most important person in their life.

So, one would think that if you had to deal with rejection your whole life you would be better able to deal with this one. But I find this to be false. In my case being rejected my whole life by parents, family members, teachers, close friends and bullied by kids in school--this only made me less able to deal with this rejection. I watched an old movie called "That's What I Am" (about bullying in a middle school) and when one child asked the one being bullied why he did not fight back he responded by saying "I can't change how others think of me and even if they stop treating me this way, there will only be more just like them to take their place." I recognized myself in that moment...realizing it will never change for me. Call it destiny or anything you want.

At the moment we BS's find out the truth about the infidelity--whether it is EA, porn use, escorts, OLD, ONS or full blown A's--we all end up in that fetal position sure that this pain will never end. But when the dust settles, if you did not have rejection your whole life and have a good support system you will likely get through this more quickly and be on a better path sooner.

But what of all the others like me? We tend to retreat from all relationships after you have had a lifetime of this rejection. The infidelity makes you not only not trust, it makes you retreat from all relationships current and future: family, friends, etc. Counseling does not help those like me because most counselors did not have a lifetime of rejection to understand this. Sometimes meds help dull the pain but will never take it away.

Just my thoughts...sorry to be so long.
Wondering if there are others out here who find themselves in my shoes and feel like I do...like being a 12 year old in middle school again being constantly bullied and rejected on a daily basis? Even though much older now that pattern was determined then and will not ever change.


Me: Divorced 2012
I know that when I truly love & honor myself I am at my best & most complete; and I will never settle for anything less from myself or from anyone else ever again!

Posts: 336 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Have not decided where to land yet!
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I don't believe it can't be changed. You can change if you really want to. You can. It's time to stop the pity party and get to work. If I though things couldn't change, I would just give up and crawl back into my dungeon. I think if you really want it, it can happen. But it will be such frigging hard work. (((Hugs)))


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1320 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cowgirl, it's like you looked inside my head. I was that rejected girl too. Then I got married and had kids and built what I thought was a great life. I have a supportive network of family and good friends, a job I love and excel at, the respect of my peers, and -- I thought -- a great deal of self-respect. I left my sad past behind.

Then I found out that my WH is a serial cheater, who has been leading a double life for years. And now here I am curled in the fetal position again, feeling 12. It's going to be a long walk back to happy...


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 373 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But what of all the others like me? We tend to retreat from all relationships after you have had a lifetime of this rejection. The infidelity makes you not only not trust, it makes you retreat from all relationships current and future: family, friends, etc. Counseling does not help those like me because most counselors did not have a lifetime of rejection to understand this. Sometimes meds help dull the pain but will never take it away.

The demons we thought we over came all come home after Dday. Yes they do. All those insecurities. All that rejection. All the feeling of being worthless. The progress we made through all those years just falls apart leaving us right were we were before. And that progress just feels like fiction or a sad joke.

To me. The world just seems like a cruel place filled with horrible people. The one person I felt sure would always have my back showed that she is just like everyone one else.

To me. It seems that no one cares about anyone but them self. Any act of seeming charity or kindness is only done for selfish reasons. Its all just a big lie.

For me. I have built stronger walls. I have built barriers between my heart and soul and the rest of the world. Its the only way to keep from being hurt again. I have given up caring because caring is contrary to the nature of the people around me.

This makes me sad because I know this is not the solution I want. I want a intimate relationship with someone but that would take love and trust. And I will never feel those things again. I know this is not a good solution but it is the only one that works.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No I think for me it was harder to accept that he wasn't who I thought he was. I kept waiting for the "real" him to come back as I tried to deny he was showing me his real self.

It's that very thing that held him back too. He wasn't behaving in a way the followed who he thought he was. So just purging those things from his mind made it easier to pretend like they didn't happen.

Once you can see them for what they really are-it hurts less. The loss of a potential you dreamt of is sad.

If a lying, cheating desperate and broken man hit on you, you'd blow him off instantly without any doubts or wonder. It's just when you realize your spouse is that guy, because you believed something else, that it slows the process.

At least for me. In fact being rejected by certain people reinforces things that I'm proud of in myself. Like-that loser thinks I'm worthless-ok then I'm good.

But when people turn out to not be who you thought they were, that's what I get hung up on and what's hard for me to move past.

eta: I forgot to say that I grew up with a father who was a serial adulterer and an alcoholic. I wasn't taught healthy coping skills and developed a drug addiction. I don't have a support group in my family and have very few close friends. But I did go through several years of therapy long before WH cheated.

I can't imagine how damaged I would have been after dday if I hadn't worked so hard on myself previously. He and 2 other people close to me turned on me and it got really ugly. I knew the entire time that I was not asking too much, and that I was not trying to "win" despite their claims and fanfare. I was always confident and secure in what I was doing was right. Being cheated on exposes all our insecurities and issues. But I say this to tell others-if you don't have what you need, you can learn it. You can become it. You can get better.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 10:10 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)]


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I disagree.
You are assuming there was a choice made between you and the AP, and while it may feel that way, that is generally not the truth.

Waywards cheat because there is something wrong in them -- a need for validation, a need for attention, or whatever. And they have poor coping skills, or have FOO issues or whatever, and they go for the "easy fix." The cheap fix, and the one that ultimately leads to more heartache and pain, and feeling worse about themselves.

What does this have to do with you? Not a hell of a lot. I promise your X didn't wake up every day thinking, "Hmm - do I want door A or door B," meaning you or a hooker. He woke up needing a fix, a "high" that having an affair gave him. Which is nothing having anything to do with you. If he doesn't address his issues, he'll cheat on his new woman as well. You know this.

I can see where you'd feel that way, but I think you are causing yourself unnecessary pain. It was never about you. I promise.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 10:14 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2058 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I disagree.
You are assuming there was a choice made between you and the AP, and while it may feel that way, that is generally not the truth.
Waywards cheat because there is something wrong in them -- a need for validation, a need for attention, or whatever. And they have poor coping skills, or have FOO issues or whatever, and they go for the "easy fix." The cheap fix, and the one that ultimately leads to more heartache and pain, and feeling worse about themselves.

What does this have to do with you? Not a hell of a lot. I promise your X didn't wake up every day thinking, "Hmm - do I want door A or door B," meaning your or AP. He woke up needing a fix, a "high" that having an affair gave him. Which is nothing having anything to do with you.

I can see where you'd feel that way, but I think you are causing yourself unnecessary pain. It was never about you. I promise.

Sorry for the more negative than usual tone. Im not having a good day. Apologies in advance. And perhaps some should avoid my posts today. As I said. This is not a good day.

I think we all want to make the whole A allot more complicated than it really is. We want it to be like a puzzle that we can take apart and some how understand it so that we can somehow feel better about ourself.

We go on and on about how our WS was broken. Because if they are broken then they can be fixed. Our WS go to IC and we all go to MC. And allot of words are thrown around and eventually after enough words are said we feel we can move on with R or D.

But what if our WS is not broken? What if their actions are the normal ones for people as a whole. And WE are the ones with unrealistic expectations?

Then the work the WS does amounts to learning a new behavior pattern and saying the things we want to hear. In short. A lie.

Its true that the A was never ABOUT us. It was about our WS doing what comes natural for human beings. They have the opportunity to cheat. The opportunity is with someone attractive. And our WS believes they can get away with it. We are in that equation only to the extent that our WS believes they can lie effectively to us. In other words. We are gullible enough to trust them.

I believe that I had unrealistic expectations about relationships. I believed mutual emotional intimacy and trust were possible in a M. Looks like I was wrong. Im the one that was broken because I hoped and expected for more.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But what if our WS is not broken? What if their actions are the normal ones for people as a whole. And WE are the ones with unrealistic expectations?

But they are broken. The thing that keeps you from cheating is what is broken in them. It's not unrealistic to expect a spouse to be faithful but with infidelity all around us sometimes it can feel that way.

It does sound like you are having a down day. I understand, and they are hard to get through. I hope things start looking up for you soon. Take care of yourself. (((razor)))


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
betrayedidiot
♀ Member
Member # 42868
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then the work the WS does amounts to learning a new behavior pattern and saying the things we want to hear. In short. A lie.

I think this was part of my thought that led me to separate. He was saying all the right things, making all the right promises. Well if there is a cheater's handbook, there is also a "remorse" handbook. He would have said and done anything to stay, but I knew I could never see him as anything but a liar. I miss the innocence and trust.

Sorry for the slight tj. I feel the rejection too. I don't know much about OW due to my choice, but I know she was younger. It doesn't matter who she was. He still chose someone else to turn to over me.


Me: BS
Married almost 20 years
2 year EA and 1 month PA
DD-16
D-Day: 01/14/14
Separated and divorcing

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: TX
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He still chose someone else to turn to over me.

No he chose himself over you. He chose running from his problems instead of facing them and working through them. Staying with you means facing his issues and he wants to avoid them at all costs, so out you go. That's why it's not about us. We can't stop it, we can't prevent it, we can't make it happen. It's all their choice. And he chose himself over your relationship.

If you would have accepted his denial he would have stayed. If you would have shut up and acted like everything was fine he would have stayed. If you would have allowed him to do whatever he wanted, he would have stayed. But you require a healthy relationship- a partnership, and he's looking for a crutch, not a partner. So she may be the crutch of the month, but it's not love. He incapable of that. How long she lasts depends on her level of dysfunction and what she's willing to accept from a spouse.

It may be unrealistic to expect that particular person to be faithful, but expecting a faithful spouse is not fairytale stuff.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think there is something to the idea that we all have our own personal narratives, and when your personal narrative is something negative "I always get rejected" then anything that feeds that narrative feels like ah ha proof! Proof that I'm right that I'm always rejected! It kind of becomes a self fulfilling prophecy even though it isn't true.

I truly understand how you feel. I suffer from this too. And I think it has definitely impacted and lengthened signficantly my healing timeline.

But then I think, ok I had shitty parents who taught me I was never good enough and I'd never be loved unless I was perfect. And I married a sociopathic con artist dirtbag who um yeah "rejected" me and was always on my case about how I wasn't good enough, not thin enough, didn't cook well enough etc.

But in truth, I have friends. When I host dinners people love my food. When I bring baked goods to the office people ask for the recipies. I have friends I've known since elementary school that are still with me today. I have friends whose families have "adopted" me because of my xWH tragedy.

So while I still struggle with the personal narrative. It's not true. I have to work to remind myself it's not true. Repeatedly lol, but still.

I bet if you look at your life, you'll see that outside of your childhood, you aren't always rejected.

(((jerseycowgirl)))


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3120 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still new from my divorce but I'm fighting those demons every day. I have to give myself lots of pick me ups in order to stay strong. I'm also working on getting things the way I want them in my life. No longer have to worry about making someone else happy (for now). Just focusing on me and enjoying the rewards


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
Althea
♀ Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get this. You have been cheated on twice, and that is one of the ultimate forms of rejection. Call me Polyanna, but I don't believe this means that you have to shut down and never trust again.

I went back to IC recently over something pretty similar. My childhood was full of rejection and abuse. I found a therapist who specializes in dysfunctional FOO and trauma, and I restarted therapy with the goal of learning how to form healthy intimate relationships. I honestly had no idea. It has been incredible. My family has severe limitations, but I am closer to my sisters than I have ever been. I finally am able to have close female friends who I keep in regular contact with. I'm also working on boundaries, which is long over due.

I also am finally understanding how I ended up marrying my WH despite all of the obvious (in hindsight) signals that he was a problematic match. JC, you chose your WH and you chose to marry him. You were playing out the damage of your childhood in your adult relationships, but who is forcing you to continue that pattern. This is a new chapter for you what you make of it is up to you. You. Not those who have hurt you in the past.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 13

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