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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I don't like how easily I'm shaken
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We didn't have kids, so after we decided to S/D, I never spoke to him directly again. It really has been Varsity NC. In a year each of us has only violated it once. I called him on our anniversary (he let it go to VM) and he emailed me when he was going through a hard time a few months later, and I ignored it. Some of his coworkers and family have tried to contact me about him, but I've also largely ignored or blocked them, too.

Since I left him, I've pretty much kicked ass. New job, finished my degree, great friends, busy all the time, accomplishing a lot professionally. I've stayed in IC and some weeks I even go in there just to talk about how great things are going. I've been on a few dates, but it didn't feel right, so I'm being patient there.

But in the last couple of weeks two things happened.

(1) he hired one of my girlfriends (who knows what he did) and she didn't tell me. Just one day she starts posting photos of my old neighborhood and home. I unfriended her immediately. But it was a little upsetting and I felt betrayed.

(2) a girlfriend texted me about how X posts all kinds of things on FB emphasizing how great his life is now. She intended to communicate to me that she thinks this shows he's mentally unstable-- but I didn't need confirmation that he thinks his life is wonderful without me. I know his ability to move on and never look back indicates that he's probably got a personality disorder. At the same time, I don't have one, and I've felt a crippling sense of loss and despair as a result of his A and lack of remorse. I don't need reminders that I was so highly disposable.

NC is a blessing... but I don't like how shaken I get when it's violated and I hear something about X. When my friend was texting me yesterday about his FB, even seeing his name in a text makes my heart sink immediately into my stomach. I can't even see a name similar to his or I feel momentarily frozen and fearful. It's almost like NC has sheltered me a bit from having to face all of the emotions that come with S/D. And I'm likely to see X in person again (we're in the same career). It makes me worry that I won't handle it well.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NC is a blessing... but I don't like how shaken I get when it's violated and I hear something about X.

I'm the same way. I don't know if you saw my post in NB, but I recently learned that xWH quit the agency we both work for. That should be good news for me. And it is. But it still sends me into a tailspin of pity and anger.

Any information that seeps through about him does this. He currently lives in the town next to mine and I'm fearful of seeing him. I avoid certain locations and events where I think he might be there because I'm afraid of seeing him. Afraid because seeing him, watching him be all hail fellow well met to others and me will kill me.

After all this time, I'm not indifferent. I'm still very deeply angry. Everything in my life is better than awesome, but emotionally, I have a weak spot. People tell me indifference will come if I keep working at it, but I don't think it will. I don't live with that anger front and center, but it's there. Always. Ready to come out if a reminder hits.

I think part of this is because my xWH ran a long con on me. Ten years of deceit where every single word and action was a lie designed to mislead me or deliberately fuck with my mind. I know you think your xWH wasn't quite that bad, but based on the stories you've told, I don't think your situation was that dissimilar from mine.

So it wasn't a happy M that imploded. Or fakery for a few years during a LTA. It was a long con. A whole decade of my life is now an untrue memory from the day I met him until the day the D was final NOTHING WAS TRUE . And so I think my deep seated anger has as much to do with that as it does with the betrayal aspect of the As. I don't have a single memory for an entire decade that isn't tainted by untruths. I did not make a single decision for an entire decade that was made with good information. So many of those decisions I made during that time penalized me but because I was being tricked, I didn't know that until now. And now I sit here and pay the penalty for all of that. Even as I rebuild, recover etc. & so forth nicely, that's still an entire lost decade.

So no advice. Just that hey, me too!


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3119 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
one2ndchance
♀ Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think your reaction is normal. You were married to him and marriage is the most intimate of relationships. My advice would be the following:
NC is a blessing... but I don't like how shaken I get when it's violated and I hear something about X

When this^^^happens,
Since I left him, I've pretty much kicked ass. New job, finished my degree, great friends, busy all the time, accomplishing a lot professionally.

Think and focus on this^^^

If any other friends bring him up, I would politely say, "I'm really not interested in any part of his life, so we don't need to waste any time discussing him."

[This message edited by one2ndchance at 12:11 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)]


Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorcing

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((PhantomLimb))))

As amazing as your healing has been, it's still relatively early days. This feeling will pass too. Just be patient with yourself. And as time goes by friends won't feel the need to tell you about this stuff anymore...nor would you care if you did hear something!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally normal reaction. I have to have contact with NPD STBX (aka Clowntown) on occasion. Thankfully he is such a terrible father that we don't have to communicate that often. But when we do or something triggers me, I just see big red X's, danger signs go off, and alarm bells ring in my head. It's like post nuclear fall out. It's totally normal. It feels weird after months (or even an entire year) to still have such strong feelings about someone who can act as if you never existed, but I think it's totally normal.

I think we feel that by now, the statute of limitations has passed and we should somehow have moved past all of this by now. And in some ways I have, but in other ways I feel very emotional and raw still and I'm almost ashamed of those feelings. Our situations are very different, but our timelines and our EX's behaviors have been very similar. I personally think you are a badass and the poster child for NC. You are doing great lady! Keep moving forward and keep talking about it when you need to.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They say it takes 2-5 years to heal in R and the consensus is it's about the same in D.

You're a year out and have only just come out of your year of firsts.

There are no shortcuts. NC absolutely helps with not adding new hurts but it still takes time to heal from the first ones.

I too try to logic myself out of it when I trigger. I do not want him back. I no longer care whether he lives or dies. I give myself a good kick up the arse and shake it off. I'm still annoyed that I trigger at all though.

It's not him that I'm triggering about though - it's me. Whether it is thinking about the life I thought I was going to have, the man I thought I had married, how unhappy I was or how easily and cruelly he discarded me - it takes time to heal from and let go of those hurts.

A year from now you'll feel different. A year after that different again.

The thing is I'll never forget what he did to me. Even when I'm healed and indifferent I'll never forget that someone I loved not only broke promises to me but was so extraordinarily cruel about it all.

You didn't deserve this PL. Any of it. That's why we trigger. Not because we're still attached to them but because we're still attached to us. The hurt is still there.

You will have a reaction when you see him. Especially the first time. It will hurt and you will trigger but you will handle it well. It won't send you down into an abyss.

You're getting through it friend. It still sucks that we have anything to get through.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You didn't deserve this PL. Any of it. That's why we trigger. Not because we're still attached to them but because we're still attached to us. The hurt is still there.

That's really well said, SBB. I'm going to hang onto that.

I think part of this is because my xWH ran a long con on me. Ten years of deceit where every single word and action was a lie designed to mislead me or deliberately fuck with my mind. I know you think your xWH wasn't quite that bad, but based on the stories you've told, I don't think your situation was that dissimilar from mine.

In some ways, I think he did... but I also think it wasn't all totally "deliberate". I think he has some major insecurities and attachment issues and needs a "mommy" wherever he goes. Had I not moved temporarily for my job, I bet we'd still be together, actually. There would have been no need to stray if I was at home keeping his life stable. But I wasn't. So he replaced me with a new one. He did the same thing with me when he moved to the town we lived in during our M.

So it was a con insofar as he was very deliberate and careful to keep us together to keep himself together. But once the A happened, two things took place: (1) I was no longer useful, so I didn't even exist anymore and (2) related to this, all of the things he agreed to over the years to keep me happy and our M stable became things he resented me for and he decided had made him miserable.

He conned us both-- himself most of all. Who knows what's really true for him. He doesn't know himself.

I think when I see his name or see a photo of him the biggest thing that happens to me is that I just see him as a threat-- as a predator. He's dangerous to me and I want to get away.

I'll just keep giving it time!

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 7:39 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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