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User Topic: Am I the only BS in an utter state of confusion?
justme1264
♂ Member
Member # 42890
Target  Posted: 10:26 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My life is starting to get some normality and sanity again. I have become closer to my friends, am about to finally get a place again at the end of the month, have been in IC, getting my dog back, taking action over the divorce and filled out the dissolution papers and sent them to her to sign, starting to actually be able to concentrate at work again, and am not constantly sad anymore (although there are days it is still tough, but the water works are over).

I have a weird problem... I have endless questions. It haunts me constantly trying to make sense of our past 2 years. There were so many lies and deceit on her part. I had been trying to work on marriage problems that weren't even the real problem. I still don't know how she really feels. She is confusing as heck, plays ping pong with my emotions, never is straight with me in the little communication we had, swears she's in IC, wants me back, but can't face my family and me for all she's done, etc etc etc. I am just utterly confused. IC has helped, but I can't get rid of this horrible sense of being in the dark. I can't even tell you if she loves me. I don't know if she had more than one affair...I have a billion questions. She does care about me and has shown by how she is handling the divorce and this is indisputable. But, she just doesn't know "how" to love. The past deceit and lies are almost too much to bare; I don't even think I can believe a single word from her mouth now even if she is actually telling the truth.

I wish I was strong enough to kick her out of my life completely, but I can't bring myself to end the love and care I have for her. I wish I didn't have all these feelings for her still. She abandoned me in the time of my life I needed her most. I survived the hell of PTSD and depression in the hospital without her while she was out screwing a cowoker in our own bed. I was literally crawled up in a ball, inside a white room, battling constant suicidal thoughts and an intense fear while she was having unprotected sex in OUR bed with some douche bag. I don't get how someone can be so selfish. I had to go through 3 months of hell and intensive therapy without the one person I thought would be there. She even let me believe it was my depression and PTSD which caused her to fall out of love with me. She later told me how her IC showed her how much she demonized me to justify her actions, and how the problem lies within her and not our marriage. Her constant deceit added more pain and stress to my depression for 2 years! I was struggling the entire time just to keep from putting a gun to my head while the entire time she was stabbing me in the back and adding more pain to my plate. I see this all now; but why the hell can't I stop loving and caring for her? IC taught me how I inherently take too much blame for the things that have happened to me in which I had no control over or could have prevented at the time because it is my way of dealing with the pain. I still struggle with the destruction of my marriage. I know that's 100% her responsibility. But, I can't get my heart to harden and force her out. It's too soon to let go, but it isn't. It's been two years when my wife actually left our marriage. I just didn't see it until this last March.

My attempts to 180 her constantly fail. I am not strong enough to commit to it. I even got the courage up to tell her never to contact me again. A few weeks of no contact made the sun feel a little bit warmer and the waves of this storm seemed to subside. But, she eventually started emailing me again telling me how much she misses me. I know now I need to change all my email addresses and my phone number. But I can't bring myself to do it. I hope one day soon I will get there and just do it. I can't take a single email from her. It causes me so much more pain and damage.

Now she wants to answer all my questions in person (we haven't seen each other since I left in March) when she drops my dog off to me the first week of June. I want to see her, but I know I will be unable to control all the emotions I have from what she did. I wont be able to hold back the tears, the pain, the anger, the confusion, the frustration, and the questions...there are so many questions. I am scared I will regret meeting her. I am also scared I will regret choosing not to meet her. And now...now after I healed from my past and the PTSD and depression...after facing my life long suicidal thoughts, and after all the hard work I did ALONE she wants to give me answers? Where was she when I needed her flashlight back when I was in the hospital? It is infuriating. I can't make sense if she is genuine or if it is because her affair finally crashed and now I am second scraps.

I hate this; I hate how much this woman has changed me and my faith in love and marriage.

[This message edited by justme1264 at 10:39 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)]


Me 30s = BS
Her 20s= WW
She had two affairs between 2012-2014 that are confirmed. DD#1 3/2014. DD#2 11/2014.
Divorcing 11/2014
R? = I am still trying to figure that out.

Posts: 460 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: justme1264
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just Me
Do you only want support that reinforces the plan of action you have taken? You sound unresolved to me, and there is a reason people say to wait 6 months to a year before you decide to separate or divorce. Perhaps you assumed that is what you should do, and it is not what you want.

Regardless, you should meet with your (x)W in person and have the hard talks. Ask your questions, and tell her how you feel. Why would you want to hold back all your emotions? They are healthy.

Yes, the lies and deceit of an affair are a huge burden. But, they are about your wife and what a bad spot she was in and the bad choices she made. Is she working to be a better person? It is something to think about. Some people end up with better marriages after an A. I hate to say it, because it is the worst path to take for marital renewal, but often, that is exactly what happens.

Peace to you.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
justme1264
♂ Member
Member # 42890
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what support I want. I can't talk to my family or friends anymore about her. They are all dead set on never seeing her with me again. I want her back but I don't. Unresolved certainly describes me. I guess I am hoping people who have been through all this before can give me words of wisdom and maybe tips on what NOT to say or do when I see her, and even things I should consider asking and doing.

I didn't make the choice to leave. She flat out told me to leave. I didn't have a choice in it. She isn't even asking me back. TBH I don't know what she wants.

Meeting her will probably answer this. But I still hope she will come back, but deep down know she won't because of how hard facing all she has done and my family/friends would be.

[This message edited by justme1264 at 10:53 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)]


Me 30s = BS
Her 20s= WW
She had two affairs between 2012-2014 that are confirmed. DD#1 3/2014. DD#2 11/2014.
Divorcing 11/2014
R? = I am still trying to figure that out.

Posts: 460 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: justme1264
one2ndchance
♀ Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Listen to the people who truly care and love you. Don't meet with her. Have her drop your dog off with a friend.

Whatever she has to say will be meaningless because she is a proven liar and cheat. You will just spend days, weeks, or months trying to determine if anything she said is true.

She does not know how to love. Cheaters say, "I love you" so easily but their actions say the opposite.

My life is starting to get some normality and sanity again

Don't jeopardize the progress you've made by taking steps backward. She is soooo not worth it.


Me: BW 60
Him: STBXWH 62
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorce final: 9/2014

Posts: 486 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
GreatRoleModel
♀ Member
Member # 36809
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Words are just words, has she shown any actions that make you think she will be honest with you? If there are no actions and no true remorse then walk away and keep healing yourself. You can ask all the questions but you will never get all the answers or make sense of her thinking if she is not remorseful. Take care of yourself.


BS (me)
XWS (him) NPD
DIVORCED!!!
It takes a village to deal with the village idiot!
“If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane.”
― Robert Frost

Posts: 390 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: NC
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your WW was manipulative--of course you're confused! They gaslight, turn things around, say one thing and do another, feed us scraps of hope and never follow through...I think almost all of us who were treated in this way were in a total state of confusion. Afterall, we wouldn't behave in the way they do, so it's hard to make sense of.

Because she is so manipulative, staying away from her is really the best way to reach clarity. I would be very, very careful in agreeing to meet. If she wants to answer some questions, maybe it could be done in writing instead of in person.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So much of your story sounds familiar to mine. It wasn't until I reached a level of acceptance that I was able to let go of the questions. As stupid and cliche as it sounds, literally the words "it is what it is" rang true and helped me let go of the whys and how's. She did it, she wanted me to go, she genuinely cares about my general well being, she was fair in the legal proceedings, but she wants me gone. So I'll go in the knowledge that I can't fix her, I can't fix the M, that she isn't willing or able to put in the work. I'll go in the Peace of knowing I did my best and that I took the high road of fairness and honor. I'll take these lessons with me for the rest of my life and I'm a better man for it. You'll get there too. You are on the right path. Don't stop moving forward. Ever.


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 780 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't make the choice to leave. She flat out told me to leave. I didn't have a choice in it. She isn't even asking me back. TBH I don't know what she wants.
Sounds like an unremorseful WS to me.


This is not a 2X4 just some thougths based on my experience through this shitstorm. I am 3 years out will be offically D in a few months and I am okay and you will be as well.

The confusion goes away eventually after you have DETACHED. You are still confused because you are still emotionally attached to your stbxww. Many of us went through this. Your WW is starting up the Hoover. She doesn't truly want you back or miss you or she would be moving heaven and earth with concrete actions to show you she is serious. She is like a drug addict that needs her hit of ego kibbles. I can tell you with 100% accuracy that if your WW is unremorseful then as soon as she sees you and you pour your heart out to her, after a few days she will go back to being a cold hearted WW. She gets her fix and will move on until the next time she needs to feel good about herself. It's the black hole in her that needs filling and it NEVER closes up until they do the hard work to fix themselves.

This sort of applies to a BS as well. We also go through emotional detachment whether through sheer force of will or through necessity after being abandoned by a WS. If we don't learn how to love ourselves again without our WS we to can fall prey to destructive tendencies. They may not be infidelity related but it could be severe depression, over eating, under eating, poor job performance, PTSD, or any number of things. The best advice I received was to not rush the healing process and spend all of my time focusing on ME. There will be many false starts but you eventually get it. Yes it gets easier the longer you are away from your WS and yes you will have a setback every time you have contact with them but eventually you reach indifference.

IMO, you should NOT meet with your WW. If she is not doing any of the work she needs to heal you can't force her to do it. I personally do NOT believe in waiting 6 months to a year if you are with an UNREMORSEFUL WS. Waiting 6 months to a year with an unremoresful WS just dumps more damage on the BS. I did NOT take this advice myself and it took me 2 years to finally do it and it sucked even more because once I did detach I realized I wasted 2 years on a lost cause. When they are unremoresful, rip the bandaid off immediately. Go NC, 180, only email/text about finances and kids, and focus completely on you. Dealing with them only prolongs your suffering when they are unremorseful. Just my 2 cents. Keep posting it helps.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 2:18 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1923 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I fully agree with what 7yrsflushed said. Really spot on.

Here's what you have to do:

1. Admit you were abandoned. That your wife stabbed you in the back and destroyed your marriage.
2. Admit that your attachment to her is a problem. That the love you feel for her is a problem. That your desire for her is a problem.
3. Start working on solving this problem by doing everything in your power to DETACH.
4. Start over every time you falter. It's a process. It takes time. You will waiver and fail. You start over. DETACH and DETACH AGAIN.
5. Learn how to enforce NO CONTACT. Do not meet with her in person. Do not answer her calls or call her back to talk to her on the phone. When emails from her come in DO NOT READ THEM for at least 24 hours. Do NOT TEXT her. The only response to texting is this: "I do not read your texts. Please email me if you have something related to the divorce to discuss." Then delete all incoming texts from her immediately.
6. Become extremely clinical and spare in dealing with the divorce. Immediately put any incoming emails in a folder and get them out of your inbox. Only skim them later to look and see if there is something divorce-related that needs a response. Only respond factually to divorce related topics. Do NOT tell her how you feel, no matter what. SHARE NO FEELINGS.
7. Learn how to redirect your thoughts. When you start thinking about her and your M and all the questions, STOP. Pick a new thought. Like car maintenance. Think about that instead. Repeat everytime you think about her.

It is very hard justme1264. You can do this. You will get through. You will survive. I also was suicidal, and have gone through everything you are going through. There is happiness in your future. Keep fighting for your own mental health, and eventually you will forget about her.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1234 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
justme1264
♂ Member
Member # 42890
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank all of you for your advice and I will take every bit of it to heart.

I don't even know where to begin; all of you give such good advice.

heartbroken_kk- I had been dealing with suicidal problems long before my wife, it just finally hit me after an intense event occurred three years ago which finally forced me to get help. I got the help I needed and am no longer in that bad place. My wife's affair and the divorce is not causing me to be suicidal and I am not anymore. That is why I was in the hospital during May. She began her affair in June. I get what you are saying though; and I agree my attachment to her is a problem and that's a problem I can correct.

I am getting a divorce. She hasn't gotten around to filing because she can't deal with the consequences. The original agreement was she would file over a month ago. I realized I cannot be in this marriage anymore because she destroyed it back in March. I am filing NO MATTER what and am seeing it through regardless of anything that happens. Whatever our relationship looks like in the future it will not be this marriage.

7yrsflushed is right; my stxww isn't even moving pebbles for recovery let alone mountains.

I can't honestly say I won't meet her. I thought about it more today and I don't actually have questions I want to ask her. I think I more so want to tell her in person I know she is going through her own issues but it doesn't excuse the damage she caused, that what she did to me was the most severe betrayal I have ever experienced, that I am disappointed, and goodbye. I never got to tell her goodbye. This is more about me and what I need than it is about her. I just want to the opportunity to say my peace and goodbye. Does that make sense?

If you could go back and meet your WS, and you were in the spot I am in, what would you have wanted to say? Or if you did meet them, what did you wish you didnt say?

[This message edited by justme1264 at 7:38 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)]


Me 30s = BS
Her 20s= WW
She had two affairs between 2012-2014 that are confirmed. DD#1 3/2014. DD#2 11/2014.
Divorcing 11/2014
R? = I am still trying to figure that out.

Posts: 460 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: justme1264
Caretaker1
♂ Member
Member # 42777
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh screw these unfixable so already. You are progressing get off the roller coaster whole world out there and one fucktard holding up happiness.

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2014
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NC=No new hurts.

I think. I think she wants to meet with you to relieve her guilt. You see, it's all about her, her timing what she wants, etc.

However, I have learned: What do you THINK vs what do you KNOW?

So, I say, see if she will meet you at your counselors office!

That would say ALOT about her intentions.

If you meet her, be very confident. If the conversation gets hurtful, say you have to leave, you are meeting someone and get the hell out of there. Blubbering, crying, showing emotions make these people laugh at us....


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2322 | Registered: Jan 2012
Thinkingtoomuch
♀ Member
Member # 31765
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My God Justme, you've truly been thru hell. It's way too soon to consider seeing her. Protect yourself in every way. It's been 3 years for me, I still trigger at plenty of things, xwf left and I never saw him again,we never talked about IT again (our 8 yr. livin engagement or A, had no questions answered or did I care--too shocked), my situation was not at all how intense and scary as yours, and your story just makes me want to give you a hug of protection.

I believe this is true:

The confusion goes away eventually after you have DETACHED. You are still confused because you are still emotionally attached to your stbxww. Many of us went through this. Your WW is starting up the Hoover. She doesn't truly want you back or miss you or she would be moving heaven and earth with concrete actions to show you she is serious. She is like a drug addict that needs her hit of ego kibbles. I can tell you with 100% accuracy that if your WW is unremorseful then as soon as she sees you and you pour your heart out to her, after a few days she will go back to being a cold hearted WW. She gets her fix and will move on until the next time she needs to feel good about herself. It's the black hole in her that needs filling and it NEVER closes up until they do the hard work to fix themselves.

And this:


Here's what you have to do:

1. Admit you were abandoned. That your wife stabbed you in the back and destroyed your marriage.
2. Admit that your attachment to her is a problem. That the love you feel for her is a problem. That your desire for her is a problem.
3. Start working on solving this problem by doing everything in your power to DETACH.
4. Start over every time you falter. It's a process. It takes time. You will waiver and fail. You start over. DETACH and DETACH AGAIN.
5. Learn how to enforce NO CONTACT. Do not meet with her in person. Do not answer her calls or call her back to talk to her on the phone. When emails from her come in DO NOT READ THEM for at least 24 hours. Do NOT TEXT her. The only response to texting is this: "I do not read your texts. Please email me if you have something related to the divorce to discuss." Then delete all incoming texts from her immediately.
6. Become extremely clinical and spare in dealing with the divorce. Immediately put any incoming emails in a folder and get them out of your inbox. Only skim them later to look and see if there is something divorce-related that needs a response. Only respond factually to divorce related topics. Do NOT tell her how you feel, no matter what. SHARE NO FEELINGS.
7. Learn how to redirect your thoughts. When you start thinking about her and your M and all the questions, STOP. Pick a new thought. Like car maintenance. Think about that instead. Repeat everytime you think about her.


You can automatically have her emails blocked. That takes care of seeing them come in at all.


[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 1:44 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)]


Posts: 821 | Registered: Apr 2011
justme1264
♂ Member
Member # 42890
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thinkingtoomuch - thank you for that. It is pretty crazy when you write the summary of what happened out. You look back and can see just how messed up it is.

I talked to my IC and he concluded if I were to see her to have questions answered then it would cause more harm than good, and any answers I do have won't be the ones I need, and just cause more questions; it's pointless. However, if my intentions are to tell her what she did hurt me, express my disappointment, and say goodbye, then it is the closure I could use. She wasn't at a place to even care back in March. But now, her own IC and the time passed has set reality in place and all the guilt associated with it. My IC used to be our marriage counselor and he knows both of us and the dynamics. I trust his judgement.

I have some time to really think about it. Odd thing is, today is one of the good days. My IC helped me see what happened had nothing to do with me or is in anyway my fault. The confusion surrounded by the affair and collapse of the marriage shouldn't belong on my shoulders. I did everything I could to save our marriage and this alone allows me to move forward and leave all the questions behind. I am better off without a woman who consciously chose to betray and abandon me and our marriage.

I am proud today because I just got an acceptance letter from a top tier graduate school that I had been applying to from November till January. It was almost an impossible venture considering all the crap that was going on and how many couches I had to sleep on. I had been wanting to go back to school and refused to allow all the crap from my wife and her affair to keep me from reaching my dreams. I appreciate the Latin saying, "Per Angusta Ad Augusta." (through trials to honors). It couldn't have come at a better time than this morning. For the first time in a long time I had tears of joy rather than sorrow. She used to always tell me during the worst moments of my depression that I didn't follow through with what I always set out to do. She demonized me to justify her affairs and constantly beat me down emotionally. I will never go down to my knees again, nor allow anyone to have that much power over my dreams. I don't even care for her to know I accomplished one of my life long dreams for getting into graduate school. She doesn't deserve it.


Me 30s = BS
Her 20s= WW
She had two affairs between 2012-2014 that are confirmed. DD#1 3/2014. DD#2 11/2014.
Divorcing 11/2014
R? = I am still trying to figure that out.

Posts: 460 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: justme1264
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with your IC and most people here. Do NOT go see her in person.

You are going to go through tons of different phases, realizations, epiphanies, ups, downs, etc. If you think you can get "closure" by seeing her right now, you're wrong.

I think of new things all the time I wish I could say or would have said to my ex. But he does NOT DESERVE to hear my thoughts anymore. He does NOT DESERVE to know how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking. And your UNREMORSEFUL WW does NOT DESERVE to hear your thoughts anymore, where you are, how your healing is going, anything. I guarantee you will think of a new thing you want to tell her within a day or 2 anyway.

And I get the idea/want to go and just listen, but I think that is playing with fire. Too easily they have you defending yourself, justifying yourself, getting all emotional, etc.

NC= NO NEW HURTS

When you are missing an UNremorseful spouse, I think it's very important you stay in IC. Because healthy people don't wish for a fucked up relationship. And if you are wishing for the "memory" or "ideal" of what you had, then you are living in fantasyland, cause it's not reality anymore. This is co-dependent, unhealthy thinking..

But humongous congrats on being accepted!! Do you know how awesome that is?!?


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2648 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Topic Posts: 15

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