Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: BellaBoo (44915)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Situational Empathy?
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Situational empathy…

…is there such a thing?

Empathy is something I have struggled to express, and I thought I was making progress until last night.

Had to take DS6 to the ER last night (suspected concussion, wound up being ok).

As I looked around the room FULL of other people is various states of distress, all I could think was how fast can I get my kid out of the waiting room and into see a Dr. While I didn’t wish any harm on any of the other people, I felt no regard for their pain or hurt. All I could think was, why are they taking that old person before DS6, why did the drunk get in first, why do they even care about the drunk in the first place, etc, etc, etc.

When we were finished it upset me that I was able to spend the last 4 hours there, and not feel one drop of empathy for anyone else. I had felt like I had moved so far forward in that area, I read some of the other forums including WS and genuinely feel for the WS and BS here. Last night shook me at my core. Have I really not moved as far as I thought?

Then I thought, maybe I was in protector mode, survival mode, focused on MY SON, and everything was blurred out of my mind. I equate it to when your kid throws up- and I got threw up on last night in the waiting room, and as a parent, my kids vomit does not bug me. Anyone else’s vomit (even my own) – boy would it, so I got to thinking…it depends on the situation.

Anyone else have any thoughts on this? Is there a limit, or boundary to empathy? I don’t think I will ever be a 'Mother Teresa' who I assume had boundless empathy, but is this ‘normal’?


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Trying2LoveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure there is such a thing anymore as "norm" in life! However, I do think empathy can be situational, especially when it comes to a situation like you dealt with last night. I know when my children were young (well, honestly, I would STILL be that way, and they are 35 and 30), I would probably have reacted exactly as you did! I don't think this makes you unusual and certainly not a bad person! We are just protective of our loved ones! I would say "No worries, my friend"!


Me:BS
Him:FWH
2 DS:35 & 30 , 2 D Grandchildren
"Oh the webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive"....My WH quotes this often.
I found out about H's affair 25 yrs later.Mine is my own "Life is a journey, travel with Care."

Posts: 212 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
Trying2LoveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW....So glad to hear your son is okay! That's scary! Something else that I think can make it situational empathy...being scared!


Me:BS
Him:FWH
2 DS:35 & 30 , 2 D Grandchildren
"Oh the webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive"....My WH quotes this often.
I found out about H's affair 25 yrs later.Mine is my own "Life is a journey, travel with Care."

Posts: 212 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then I thought, maybe I was in protector mode, survival mode, focused on MY SON, and everything was blurred out of my mind.

I think this statement is really key here, badchoice. As a parent, I know if I am protecting my son, my blinders go on, and I care about little else, other than his well being. I think this is okay to a certain extent.

As a "thought experiment", try to imagine yourself sitting in that waiting room without the situation of being there for your son. If you were there merely as an observer, I think you would have a lot more empathy for the people waiting to get in.

I think you were in more "protective mode" than anything else. I wouldn't worry about it too much. You did good. The fact that you are questioning it to begin with shows growth on your part.

Really glad to hear your kiddo is okay.


Posts: 7038 | Registered: Dec 2010
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think of myself as a very empathetic person. I'm co-dependant, of course I am!

When it comes to my kids however... not so much! Especially when they're ill. I've been in that emergency room situation before and wondered why the world and his sodding wife were being seen before my son. Empathy kind of goes out the window when your kids aren't doing too well.

I think it's quite normal, you want to protect your child and that's your one and only priority at the time. Everyone else can go to hell.

Give yourself a break, you did great. Glad your son is ok.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm bursting with empathy, BUT if there's something wrong with my kid, it's like no one else exists. It's a protective mode thing, so don't be too hard on yourself!

Posts: 11667 | Registered: Mar 2008
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with what everyone else has said. When I was in college I did an internship at a hospital and spent some time in the pediatric ER. While I was there as a student i was empathetic to the families and children that I saw come and go.

When we had to bring our DD to the ER cuz she was suddenly head to toe covered with hives, my only concern was her.

I think it's a protective parenting thing!!


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 835 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks y'all for the feedback. That makes me feel a little better. Still will bring it up in IC next week, but it's great to hear perspective too.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I could think was, why are they taking that old person before DS6, why did the drunk get in first, why do they even care about the drunk in the first place, etc, etc, etc.

IDK, while I can totally understand wanting your child to be a priority I think this goes beyond that. It seems like you are being judgmental to justify your lack of empathy. What if the other people waiting were children? Would you still want to be more important or better than them?

There is more than one self centered attitude at work here and you may want to take a look at all.

[This message edited by AFrayedKnot at 8:50 AM, May 22nd (Thursday)]


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2581 | Registered: Aug 2012
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think a lot of parents feel the same. Even those who have not experienced infidelity. I hardly see the connection, but rather a human characteristic that brings shame to us after the fact. We are HARD WIRED to protect our young. I see this as normal behavior. JMO


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
Topic Posts: 10

Return to Forum: Wayward Side Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.