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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Frustrated BS
Adeahan
♂ Member
Member # 43005
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While our R seems to be going well, trying to get my WS to deal with her own issues is like pulling teeth, she will not speak to anyone about it, other then me and even then i have to drag stuff out of her, i am not a therapist i can only deal with so much. I feel like she is only doing stuff to make me happy only when i bring it up or i say something to her, it is very very frustrating and i am getting really tired of being the only one that has to bring anything up, weather it is about the A or her seeing an IC, which she has to start doing or else she is just going to go back to how she was. Even getting her to read stuff on here, she has read one or two things but i might as well had her look at the wall, everything with working on the marriage is going well but if she wont work on her self i dont know what else to do....it is really weighing on my mind and keeping me up, thanks for listening though.

I dont mean to make it sound like she isnt trying, certain areas of the R it really seems like she is, then other parts, not so much.


Me 33, H 31,D-Day 03/30/14, Together 12 years, married 2, 3 kids, 3 dogs, Working on R
"nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ainít about how hard you hit. Itís about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward"

Posts: 138 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Ontario, Canada
RomanticInnocenc
♀ Member
Member # 43041
Default  Posted: 3:19 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Adeahan, IC was a must for us to R. For me to even attempt to be in this marriage I needed him to work out how he let this occur and how to not let it occur again. My WH was a classic for living on the surface of life, no inward thinking, no reflection, just push all the crap to the back and not deal with it. Well I needed him to deal with it because he got so good at dissasociating that he even went against everything he valued to have an affair with a woman he had barely paid any attention to until she said she like him... Twice! I think you need to work out what YOU need to R. Right now you can't be her therapist, in some ways you can't even be there to support her through this, that's not your job! Your job is to heal you, do everything you can to be the person you want to be. It's not her time to lean on you, it's your time to lean on her. Plus you cannot be responsible for her actions, she has to want to change the things about herself that led her here, you can't do that for her, as annoying and sad as that is sometimes!


Me: BS 31
WH: 29 (theseseatsRtaken)
DS: 6 months old
Together 10 years, married 2.
DD1: 8th of Jan 2014
DD2: 10th of Jan 2014
NC: 8th of Jan
In hopeful R!

Posts: 301 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The lesson taught here (from the very expensive real life educations on the topic many have received) is that there is a difference between R and False R which is the presence or absence of remorse. Do you see any remorse?

Romantic Innocence is correct that you are not her therapist. You can't make her work on issues she will ignore. We don't have the "banging head against brick wall ". Icon here, but maybe we should.....


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Mac4
♂ Member
Member # 43122
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Adeahan, I could have written your exact post as I am experiencing very much the same thing with my WW. When I bring things up to discuss about the A my wife tells me she thinks about it and is still hurting and upset about it. But she does not bring it up. Which means everytime I bring it up, then I make her feel bad. And this seems crazy, but despite the A I do still love her and don't want to make her feel bad. Thus, I am constantly balancing my need to discuss things against her needs. Moreover, I would like to see more visible effort from my WW. She attended IC for a few months and we are still in MC, but at times she seems ready to move on and I am no where near that.

What I did was give my wife the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair". Some others recommended it here on SI. I gave it to my wife a few days ago and expect that she will read it. Hopefully that will communicate to her better what I need for recovery. Might be worth a try for you too. It is a very short read.

You are not alone. R is a struggle and hard work, but hopefully the reward is a healthier and happy marriage in the end. Best of luck.


BS me 41
WW 42
Married 11 years
R for now I guess
DD 9 & DS 8
DDay 2 (PA) - March 3rd, 2014
DDay 1 (EA) - July 2nd, 2011

Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My W was a therapist, and I guarantee that a decent M requires the partners not to be each other's therapist. Among other things, therapists can't ethically have sex with their clients.

The biggest impediment to R, IMO, is a WS who wants R but who is not in IC with a goal of changing from cheater to good partner.

I can believe your W has the best intentions, but she needs to change, and very few people can make the necessary changes without outside intervention and support.

I'm not saying your W is a bad person or a lost cause. I'm saying that you need to make IC a deal breaker. You can do it lovingly, but you need to do it.

JMO, of course.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10094 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
fst86411
♂ Member
Member # 41644
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that IC is a must, but in saying that I am a hypocrite. I have been waiting on my wife to get into IC longer than I'd like to admit. She has the number of a very good one but everytime I ask if she has called and set up an appointment she has some excuse. I feel like her parent or dad telling her she has to do this. Despite the affair I think she doesn't want to admit that she is broken.


Met 1997
Married 2002
D-Day July 8, 2012

Who knows what went on?


Posts: 63 | Registered: Dec 2013
sunnyrain
♀ Member
Member # 30164
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Speaking as a WS, I don't necessarily think IC should be a requirement to recovering the M. I do however fully support MC. I also don't think every WS is broken or has FOO issues to uncover. Sometimes an A truly does develop like Shirley Glass outlines in NJF.

My best advice, Adeahan, is to take your own situation into account before making IC a requirement for her. You are both also very early on in the recovery phase, and she's likely reeling from all the emotions she's feeling and trying to get her feet back underneath her, much like yourself. As a WS, knowing you've caused all this chaos is overwhelming on its own and can be extremely hard to digest. IMHO, when demands start piling on, there is potential for both spouses to disengage further from the M. I'm not saying that IC can't be encouraged, I'm just saying that if she's making progress and displaying actions that she wants the M, that everything doesn't have to be tackled at once.


"I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne."

Posts: 382 | Registered: Nov 2010
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Speaking as a WS, I don't necessarily think IC should be a requirement to recovering the M. I do however fully support MC

While IC may not be indicated for every WS, dragging an introspection-resistant WW to MC is a complete waste of time and likely to cause more harm than good.

The idea of starting IC was terrifying for me, but after what I did? It was clear I needed to suck it up and finally get professional help. For me, for BH, for our kids, regardless of the outcome of our M.

i have to drag stuff out of her

Respectfully...no you don't. Quit it.

trying to get my WS to deal with her own issues is like pulling teeth

You're right, and it's a battle I advise you to surrender, because you cannot win. Taking a hard look at herself, her choices, is a journey upon which she must embark alone, when she's ready. You cannot control her, you can only control yourself.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response thereís a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
sunnyrain
♀ Member
Member # 30164
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While IC may not be indicated for every WS, dragging an introspection-resistant WW to MC is a complete waste of time and likely to cause more harm than good.

Oh, sorry. I did not mean to suggest that he drag her to anything. Just offering up a different route to consider when she is ready.

I did MC, but not IC (unless you count a few individual sessions with the MC as IC). I found MC very helpful and did not consider it a waste of time.


"I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne."

Posts: 382 | Registered: Nov 2010
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T/j
((Sunnyrain)) Sorry if it seemed like I was criticizing your opinion, not my intention, and I didn't think you were implying anything of the sort.
End t/j.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response thereís a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
PollyA
♀ Member
Member # 40567
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also fully support the WS going to IC. My H wasted $1300 on MC when he was still lying to me....

WHAT A WASTE! Of money and 6 months of time that could've been spent recovering instead of continued injury.

Without the WS knowing fully WHY the abuse occurred (that's what I'm calling Affairs from now on), how can they speak clearly in MC?


BW - 2 x's ( once before married, got therapy, thought we'd both moved forward)
WH - SA? Probably not. Just a Selfish ASS
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy, thought he'd "gotten it". I was wrong.
DD2 - 8/2013 -

Posts: 106 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: PollyA
Adeahan
♂ Member
Member # 43005
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks for the responses, my W messaged me today while i was at work to tell me she has set up an appointment to see an IC on Monday at noon so that is a big step because i know how hard it is for her to talk to anyone about it, hopefully it is a first step.

As far as her going to IC, without going into her personal detail, it is the right thing to do, lets say there was no A, it is probably something that should have happened a while ago, due to emotional abuse issues from a close family member, which still happens.

As for remorse, i have seen it, and true remorse i believe, at first you wonder is it just quilt because they got caught or remorse for the choice they made? i am sure a lot of people say this but this whole thing was so out of character for my W, i feel like it was a very bad/stupid decision that snowballed into a bunch of other bad/stupid decisions and got out of control, which is when i found out. Other then that 3/4 day stretch where she was meeting guys online and spent the night with he one, she is not a bad person, she has just been an attention seeking self appointed "victim" for too long and that needs to change.

I will worry about my kids and myself now, i will continue to love my W until i die and beyond and will continue to grow and learn to be the best father and husband i can be, but now my W needs to work on herself and it is a journey she needs to take, ill be there by her side and will help in any way of she asks but she has to do this, to keep me and her family she has to do it.


Me 33, H 31,D-Day 03/30/14, Together 12 years, married 2, 3 kids, 3 dogs, Working on R
"nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ainít about how hard you hit. Itís about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward"

Posts: 138 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Ontario, Canada
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am sure a lot of people say this but this whole thing was so out of character for my W

This is absolutely true. Which is why WS need some kind of help to figure out how we got into a place that was so foreign to us. You are thinking correctly.

Hang in there


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 538 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
LdyD
♀ Member
Member # 42870
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could have written this exact thread word for word!

Another thing with my WH is that when I suggest IC, he says he wants the MC to cover his issues with me present. I'm at my wits end because I feel like I'm having to 'shrink' him and he just agrees with everything I say.

[This message edited by LdyD at 3:43 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)]


Me - BW: 43
Him - WH: 41
D-Day: 2/16/14
Married 11 1/2 years, Together 15 years
2 Daughters ages 10, 13
In MC since 3 days after D-day.
Attempting R with a seemingly remorseful WH

Posts: 106 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
Adeahan
♂ Member
Member # 43005
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So she started IC today, seems like it went well, i told her i would ask what they talked about but i would gladly listen if she wanted to talk about anything, so she told me a little about her first session, i am glad she is doing this i think it will help and not just with us, but with her which will in turn help us.


Me 33, H 31,D-Day 03/30/14, Together 12 years, married 2, 3 kids, 3 dogs, Working on R
"nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ainít about how hard you hit. Itís about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward"

Posts: 138 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Ontario, Canada
Topic Posts: 15

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