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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I said the wrong thing.
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


1. this guy whether you recognize or not, may like YOU and may just decide to put the moves on. You just don't know what's in his head.
2. Discussing your M issues with another man should be strictly OFF LIMITS no matter what your intention

3. The BH will never fully trust you and you are pushing that envelope. Why are you pushing his anxiety up? It is honestly quite selfish.


You are right - I don't know what is in his head. I will no longer discuss my marriage and our recovery with "D". I am not trying to push his anxiety up and I do realize I am being selfish wanting to have a friendship. As stated numerous times, I am absolutely willing to give up this relationship.

But pizza, you want your BH to pull the trigger. And you probably sense that he won't. You want him to weigh in on this thread. Why can't you make the right decision? Basically everyone is telling you the same thing. You acknowledge but are still clinging to this friendship.

Honestly, this is a no brainer.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for the delay in responding. After much conversation with my BH, I have decided that it is completely inappropriate for me to be alone with “D”. Before the A and during it, I thought nothing of hanging out with him alone. I also saw no problem discussing personal issues. Most of the time we were with other people swimming or hanging out. My BH never had a problem with it before. I was going to talk on this thread why nothing would ever happen between me and D (like his personality, looks, age, religious background, etc) but I realized that they were completely irrelevant. I should never be alone with a man, especially a man that my BH hardly knows. I also realized that discussing my marriage and any problems associated with it must not be discussed with a man. I probably need to limit my conversations about it with females as well. Another thing that BH and I agreed upon is that if BH is there or another female friend of mine is there, it is okay to hang out with him. When I told this to “D”, he was completely supportive and understanding. I didn’t blame my BH because I don’t. I have come to the realizations on my own. I need to draw a line in the sand much harder than a person who has not had an affair. I also spoke to my IC and have determined that when I post something here, I need to read it as if I didn’t write it. I would have reacted like all of you reacted to my post. I need to start seeing what outsiders see. That will help me grow and become a better person.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 487 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did "D" know about your A when you were having it? If so you shouldn't be there period.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 262 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D had absolutely no idea that I was having an A.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 487 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another thing that BH and I agreed upon is that if BH is there or another female friend of mine is there, it is okay to hang out with him.

I would leave out the whole. "another female friend of mine." Since your BH is still not friends with D.

My personal choice is, I don't hang out with anyone single period. Women for obvious reasons, and men for the influencing. For myself I am not a single man, so I had better stop acting like one.

IMHO


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 697 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DrJekyll,
You are probably right that until BH knows D better I probably shouldn't hang out with him, even if there is a female friend there. Boundaries, right? In fact I only talked about positive things in my relationship with him.

ETA

[This message edited by pizzalover at 7:52 AM, June 6th (Friday)]


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 487 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good job PL

Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
fst86411
♂ Member
Member # 41644
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you are slowly approaching the right path. I can tell you that before my wife's affair I probably would have been fine with this as well. After, no way in hell. I don't care how ugly, fat, old, or religious the guy is. The problem isn't him. The problem is my wife's boundaries. I agree with others that you are still making him make the decision when you should know that of course my husband is uncomfortable with me going to another man's house. To me it sounds like you make light of the fact that you were only alone with him once. Really.... Then what's to say that just because you say that one of your female friends were there so its ok. I'm setting here thinking weren't you the one that lied and cheated on your husband. Now he's supposed to believe you that your friend was there too so its ok. I don't know if you ever used your friends to cover for when you were in your affair or not but if you did, the fact that you even say that is probably a trigger. I think it is good that your here discussing this but seems like you are bargaining to save this friendship that means nothing. One last thing, you say that you only talked about positive things about your marriage with this guy right? How's does he know about the affair then? I would be very leery of this guys motives...


Met 1997
Married 2002
D-Day July 8, 2012

Who knows what went on?


Posts: 63 | Registered: Dec 2013
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have come to the realizations on my own. I need to draw a line in the sand much harder than a person who has not had an affair.

Good work.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I probably shouldn't hang out with him, even if there is a female friend there. Boundaries, right?

2 thumbs up

In fact I only talked about positive things in my relationship with him.

Just as a side note I did this too, but for all of the wrong reasons. I wanted the attention and projected persona of being a good husband to be wanted more......By everyone. So I do not look at this as a good defense.


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 697 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am quite surprised that you would think you could establish a friendship with 'D' and actually be alone with him; your BH is only part of the way towards renewing his trust in you. Nevertheless its great that you have come to realize this and use this experience to define future policy regrading interactions with males.

Its really unfair to regard every guy as a would be Casanova who can't be relied on to keep his hands to himself. However this unfair attitude does offer considerable protection from amorous involvement.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PL - sorry for the short question.

Honestly the fact that he knew you were hanging out with him is a good sign that he trusts you. You didn't answer the question in the way I am guessing he wanted but honestly he has more trust in you than you may realize.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 262 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
Topic Posts: 52
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