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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Guy at the gym….
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Such an interesting thread. My H and I are very similar to you- he is more extroverted. Had a "community" of people at the gym we went to, while I didn't, really. I go to classes, work out, don't really talk, etc. other than to existing friends.

Now, my H would not randomly go chat up a woman in the weight room, but he is friendly and open, and genuinely likes people. Yesterday we ran into a couple where for some reason I am wary of the woman. She is very pretty -- lots of eye contact, and I guess she makes me feel inadequate, and I have felt jealous of her. H has not expressed any attraction towards her, but he knows how I feel, and even us trying to have a conversation with her yesterday made him feel uncomfortable. I felt uncomfortable. He has no untoward feelings. He was not flirtatious, and she was not either. But, he feels constantly evaluated by me, and I feel unsafe. I don't think it is a true feeling in this case, and yet. . . I can't shake it.

Our MC is similar to yours - he says we all need human connection and some social validation. None of the behavior my H has exhibited socially with women sounds dangerous to him at all; he says we just have different boundaries. (Me -- Fort Knox, and H, actually very good prior to the A, but looser.) Hearing that my H should be able to connect socially with women as a BS, is terrifying.

To compound things, I was proud of the affection both the AP and her OBS had for my H before the affair. We all had affection for each other, and it never felt flirty, until the A. It was only in retrospect that I see where they were bantering with disaster.

It is a tremendous mind-f*&k.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 10:44 AM, May 24th (Saturday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1756 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, bionicgal - what a great post...
especially this :
he feels constantly evaluated by me, and I feel unsafe.

We were at a wedding last weekend where our daughter was a bridesmaid. I couldn't shake "that feeling" - who is he looking at. The thing is, he doesn't really do this now.. But he did do it for a long long time even after his affairs. I don't know why. It was so fucking cruel. And I dont' know why it took him so long to get it. However, because of all that I am left with this horrible feeling when we're in social situations. And it's unfair to both of us.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4524 | Registered: Dec 2010
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, he feels constantly evaluated by me, and I feel unsafe.

Ok. This is good bionic and this is what I was doing that day we had the date day. Two interactions and I was ready to sit him down at the end of the day and go, "okay, let's take a look shall we?"

I think in some ways, that was an okay thing to do bc I was feeling unsafe and want to know if I have reason too. I want to ask him about it so the experience is fresh and he can tell me what was going on with him. But at the same time, I don't want him to feel like, "Oh, there's my wife and she is watching me like a Mom." I guess there will be a time when I won't feel unsafe bc I know his boundaries are very much set in place and really, he is going to do what he is going to do. But I know I won't ever do THIS again.

And I do like the juicy steak comment too!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2111 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LA,
A bit of a t/j, but this is a big issue with us this weekend. Mr. Bionic is struggling under this feeling of being evaluated all the time. A little of me being jealous like this, but also me taking his emotional temperature all the time, and me sort of wanting to micromanage things to feel safe. I am constantly finding myself wishing he'd done X instead of Y -- i.e. why hasn't he said I am pretty today? Why isn't he picking up on my subtle emotional cues? I joked with our therapist one time that the list of things Mr. Bionic isn't doing that I have imagined he might is about a mile long. (I will say, that this is not really my natural temperment, so it is mostly a byproduct of the unsettledness of the infidelity, and also prior issues of not knowing how to ask for what I need. ) I see how crazy this is, and how this makes him feel, as he says, that he will never be enough for me. He simply cannot meet all these ever changing and honestly, kind of arbitrary criteria. A

So, clearly this is about me feeling afraid, or needy. It is about me wanting to feel safe. When I feel unsafe I scan the jungle for signs of tigers -- and my vigilance is wearing Mr. Bionic down. I am desperate for connection, and this is part of the problem. It is hard to connect when you are in evaluate/critical mode. I put up walls and watch, and he feels judged and criticized. He knows that part of this is normal wariness, but I think part of it is unhealthy.

So, maybe you or someone has experience with this. We have argued already last night and today, and I just want to have a good weekend.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 5:25 PM, May 24th (Saturday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1756 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really think this is a normal reaction to traiuma and having the rug pulled from under you. When the person who is supposed to have your back stabs you in it, you're on guard for a while to see if their actions match their words...
I'm hoping it gets better with time....

After our first dday we went to a basketball game where hubby had been the week before with OW 1. I can't even remember why I would have agreed to that. Anyway, when I went to the bathroom I looked down and saw him looking for her. Add all that crap up and it equals our families being threatened. We are mothers and we are genetically predisposed to look out for our children. I think what we are experiencing is a normal physiological reaction to trauma .
Just my two cents.....

[This message edited by rachelc at 6:33 PM, May 24th (Saturday)]


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4524 | Registered: Dec 2010
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bionicgal….

This is also me. Have you read "How We Love"? or have you taken the test online?

Interesting stuff. And for me, the A really brought all of it out to the forefront. I wasn't this way before either, but I think it was lurking underneath.

Just a thought. SInce your post I could have written verbatim.


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1415 | Registered: Jun 2012
Topic Posts: 26
Pages: 1 · 2

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