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Newest Member: 2ndtimernd (45746)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How much communication??
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's very smart to just be right now. Even if you were to break things off, you probably wouldn't start dating right again anyway, as you'd need time to get over this guy.

One of my closest friends, who was strong enough to break off two engagements when she realized it would have been a mistake, always says, "You don't have to be with everyone you love." I know you're not to love with this guy yet, but I always think about that -- sometimes a person can be wonderful, but the timing is just off.

I know you'll figure this out. In the meantime, sending you hugs!

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

Posts: 3483 | Registered: Dec 2011
♀ Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So many rules have changed here, and i just get the feeling you are not OK with it but are trying to convince yourself that you are because he is a good guy.

IF he is out there, so are others.

But you cant find them while you are hanging onto him.

Id use the distance to detach and let him go. If after a month you cannot , then maybe you could decide if LDR is what you want.

Personally, i think you are selling yourself short.

I personally feel he is unfair to even want a gal as great as you with as little time as he has to offer. I'm fine with not being the priority, but you at least need to be on the list somewhere.

Just MHO. I think your gut is telling you to end it, and you know what we say about the wise gut.

Can i just go with an old standby - "A guy who wants to be with you will make it happen. He wont let you get away."

He seems to present obstacle after obstacle and condition after condition with you doing all the hoop jumping.

[This message edited by LearningToRun at 11:05 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2011
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Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's very smart to just be right now. Even if you were to break things off, you probably wouldn't start dating right again anyway, as you'd need time to get over this guy.

I agree with this. He won't be out of touch for such a long time that you will be waiting around for him. Just wait and see how it goes.

I almost sense a self defense mechanism where you want to push guys away at the first sign they aren't 100% all in. It's still early. His priorities are in the right place right now. If he knows how to prioritize you will move up his list as the relationship progresses. Don't expect to have to do all the heavy lifting.

“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3533 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, absolutely I push guys away when I first sense…well…they are a guy My self-protection is very strong and I'm trying to knock it down a few bricks.

When we first met, he was treating me as a top priority. But, things changed quickly as it became obvious that the job he was counting on didn't happen...and he needed to reprioritize. To what SHOULD be his priority. His career and seeing his dd. I cannot fault him for that. He has to pay his support.

What I don't know is when things calm down, if he can come back to center and prioritize me back into his life. He is a scientist and admittedly over compartmentalizes. He is also a little socially awkward and "doesn't' get people" very well. None of that bothers me too much as my Dad was very similar and my nephew and dd are all on the Autism spectrum, as I'm expecting this guy to be.

Either I need to give him the space to get his life in the order it SHOULD be, or I don't.

Right now, I'm giving him the space to try, knowing that things like…taking 3 hours from his schedule yesterday to see me the day before he leaves the country is a big deal to him. He asked to see me, we worked out the time together, and he made the time.

We are trying to figure out when to see each other again, and it will likely be a month before that happens due to travel on both ends, and his custody schedule.

It is hard to fault a man who wants to spend time with his dd over a new relationship. I'm good at juggling everything. I have for years, juggled a house, full time kids, grad school, and dating. I prioritize easily, I don't compartmentalize anything. It is EASY for me. It isn't easy for him. He is laser focused on whatever is in front of him. I am laser focused on everything.

He has told me repeatedly that he is still just as interested in me as always, his end hasn't changed, but he has very stressful things on his plate right now.

If it doesn't work out, I don't think I will regret giving him/us the opportunity to see if this works. He is a good guy and a good fit for me. It is my insecurities that are flaring right now. I need to offer him some grace and time to sort through it all without pressure from me.

me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17

Posts: 4231 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Topic Posts: 24
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