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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is trust possible again?
Sadjacey
♀ Member
Member # 41655
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eighteen months out and trust is so hard. I don't know whether I can ever trust him again.


Me: BS 59
WH: 60
Married 39 years
Together more than 40
Porn use known since 2005
DDay: 11.24.12 - found emails to prostitute,
Disclosure: TT for months. Still not sure whether I have it all.
DDay 2: 2.20 2014 phone, txt to same prostitute found

Posts: 124 | Registered: Dec 2013
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Sadjacey,

I'm 15 months out and I know exactly what you mean. I want to trust again... and somedays I feel like I do... and then the doubts creep in again. At some point, I just feel crazy.

I had lunch with my BFF yesterday and we talked about the trust issue. I couldn't answer my own question: "If I never regain the trust, can I stay in the M?" Time and positive actions will tell, I guess.

I just hate to waste any more time. Life is short. I'd like to glimpse into the future so I could make the best decision now. Sigh. Wishful thinking.....


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 657 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something our MC taught me is that if he is doing the work, you have to trust his new behavior. Its not easy but it does get easier IF the WS is doing the work.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1622 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
PollyA
♀ Member
Member # 40567
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you decide what "the work" is? H seems to want to do the fun stuff, but none of the difficult stuff...


BW - 2 x's ( once before married, got therapy, thought we'd both moved forward)
WH - SA? Probably not. Just a Selfish ASS
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy, thought he'd "gotten it". I was wrong.
DD2 - 8/2013 -

Posts: 105 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: PollyA
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took seeing 30 months of consistent R behavior from my W for me to trust her again. 18 months seems too soon.

T/J - But, but, but ... Sadjacey, In another thread I read you to say you have a hard time being honest with your H. I urge you to start being honest yourself. That gives your H opportunity to win or lose your trust, and you'll feel better and be a better partner, too.

Take the risk of being honest. In the end, you'll be glad you did.

If I misread the other thread, and if you are honest with your H, please ignore this T/J....


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he doesn't want to do the hard stuff then I would say you are not in R. Its the hard stuff that HAS to be done in order to R.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1622 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SJ

First, Year Two is the hardest for many of us here. You want everything to be back to "normal", but it's not, and in some very important ways it never will be. One way or the other, stay or go, you have to find peace with that.

Second, I pray you find "enough" trust, but you will most likely never completely trust him again. That just might be a good thing, but it hurts to lose your illusions.

I'm over 30 years out, happliy M'd to the woman that was once my WW, and later my FWW, and now once again, my W. I'm really glad we survived this shitstorm. But I learned never to blindly trust her, or anybody ever again.

I'm a MH, I don't even trust myself anymore.

Cynical? No, just realistic. If the one who pledged, in front of God and family, to be trustworthy to me forever can breach it, what should I expect from everyone else who took no such vow?

Trust. But verify.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Sadjacey
♀ Member
Member # 41655
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sissoon, you're not mistaken. I find it hard to be open about my feelings with him - painfully honest about other things. Neither of us are good at talking about hoe we feel - and when I'm hurting my reaction is to close off. I know thats not good, but the result of talking about it is often more hurt caused by the way he responds. He doesn't mean to hurt me more, he just doesn't know how to help.


Me: BS 59
WH: 60
Married 39 years
Together more than 40
Porn use known since 2005
DDay: 11.24.12 - found emails to prostitute,
Disclosure: TT for months. Still not sure whether I have it all.
DDay 2: 2.20 2014 phone, txt to same prostitute found

Posts: 124 | Registered: Dec 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand - you've taken the risk, and it hasn't worked out when feelings are concerned. Thanks for the clarification. I hope you can work it out.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SadJacey
I hear you loud and clear...our ages and dday are the same...for me I want to trust soo bad...he has worked really hard to be the person he knows he wants to be and the person he was ....therapy has made him take a long hard look at himself and he is figuring it out...slowly but surely...he can't believe what he has done....
One thing I ask him when he says he is sorry for hurting me is this....ARE YOU SORRY FOR HURTING YOURSELF?
I found the first year was all about survival AND reconnecting ...the 2nd year seems to be more about me facing and accepting my/our new reality....I will trust again ...I want too...but never blindly...ever again...
I/we are doing well because he is doing EVERYTHING right ...as he should....when he feels like shit...I let him...
He changed the course of our marriage...he owns that



me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 475 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
Topic Posts: 10

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