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Newest Member: 2ndtimernd (45746)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Dumped, again.
MyVoice
♀ Member
Member # 35695
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry nutmegkitty that sucks xx

mixedemotions
Member
Member # 35810
Default Posted: 5:54 PM, May 25th (Sunday) View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate Message
Oh no Nutmeg! I'm so with you in spirit because something semi-similar happened to me lately in that it was about the same length relationship and was also out of nowhere. One day I was getting kisses and sweet conversations, then all of a sudden I got broken up with. Bam! In a different relationship we were on the phone making plans for the week and for a trip later on, he said he needed to call me back, then later that night broke up with me. Bam again! It really, really hurt and in trying to get though the pain these are the things I either learned or realized:
1. While my feelings for him were legitimate and he had some good traits, this new trait he showed of being flaky, cold, etc. is not one that screams "long term happy, healthy relationship" and I deserve better. I think I learned this on SI, that people don't act out of character, they just sometimes act differently than our expectations of them. I was stuck on how this "wasn't like him" and was still idealizing how he was. Recognizing that this side was part of who is is really helped me let go because I don't want or deserve someone who is like that.

2. The pain is a lot more about having to be single again and having my ego bruised than about losing him (this one might be different for you - but it helped for me because I realized I would find what I was looking for and he is not it). That does suck. A lot. But it got better and is still getting better. I still hate being single and I still feel rejected, but once I was ready, I started dating again and I'm having fun. We got through divorces and were able to love again. We can get through break ups too.

3. Because I feel better when I can intellectualize/understand things, I did some research about heartache. I learned that heartache is a combo of stress hormones surging through your heart, similar to a low level heart attack, and your brain going through withdrawal from the pleasure you experienced while dating. Your brain thinks that was a source of pleasure and is stressing out because it wants more and thinks it won't have it again. So it's basically like you're having a very tiny heart attack plus withdrawing from the love drug. No wonder it hurts! Once I understood that, the pain didn't go away but I felt like I had better control over it, like I was more powerful than it and I felt better knowing that it was temporary since eventually the withdrawal would stop and the hormones would chill out.

Dating him felt good. Dating the right person will feel even better and won't end up in heartache. You deserve the right person and unfortunately this man isn't the one. I know you feel anything but lucky right now, but thank goodness he showed you this side before you were even more involved. Can you imagine the same situation after 6 months? Ouuuuuuch. For now, nurse yourself back to joy and know that it will absolutely get better. One day this will be a faint memory, and that day could likely be soon! Big hugs, I'm so sorry he sucks!

awesome attitude and post mixedemotions think I'll print it off and keep somewhere in case I need it


Me:BW 46, Him:WH 50
two kids DD14 and DS17
Married 26 years
OW 28, crew member (he was the ships captain)
"People are formed by their actions, not their ideals" unknown

Posts: 476 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Australia
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh just ugh.

He had EOW free to meet someone new so it did work. I'm not loving this OLD thing.

Brush that dirt off your shoulder.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
getnbtr1
♀ Member
Member # 40540
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mixedemotions. Thank you. Yes, its sad when we see a side of someone that was always there, but had yet to be revealed to us. Never fits our expectations of them. Time helps the heart to catch up to what the brain has begun to figure out.

Posts: 99 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: CT
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((nmk))))

Looking back, did you see ANY clues that this wasn't working for him?

I can generally look back and remember an "off" conversation or something that, at the time, made me go "hmmmm."

Regardless, it sucks.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4231 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
nutmegkitty
♀ Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope, NONE. I have spent the last two days going over everything and I can't recall anything! Like I said, we talked several times this week and everything seemed copacetic .

In any case, I will be ok. I am sad and disappointed and feel like I had the wool pulled over my eyes, which is a really shitty feeling. I trusted, I let my heart feel, and I got cut off at the knees....

Mixed Emotions, thank you for that explanation of heartache. I am a scientific person and having a concrete explanation for my feelings helps.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2612 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
risingfromashes
♀ Member
Member # 3903
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry you are dealing with this nmk. Computer crashed or I would have responded earlier.
This is not about you. You are a beautiful person. I know, I have met you.


There is a wonderful life on the other side of hell.

Posts: 1713 | Registered: Mar 2004
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Wow! What a complete ass! Who does that?

You *are* that special. He sounds like he is too stupid/selfish to notice.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
hummingbird8
♀ Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 4:31 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know nutmeg is hurting but I fail to see where this guy acted like a jerk, ass or any of the other names that he is being called.

Didn't he do exactly what he should, and that is if he wants to date someone else end this relationship first? Maybe he met someone last night and wanted to get to know them better and instead of being a jerk or an ass and doing it behind her back, he broke up with her like he should.

I don't understand why nutmeg can't be supported without running the guy in the ground.

I am sorry you're hurting and wish lots of healing for you.


Posts: 511 | Registered: Aug 2009
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

total douche!

trust me it wasn't because someone more interesting came along. more likely someone more dysfunctional/equally as messed up as him came along.

this is definitely a case of its not you its him. you probably would've ended up having ot dump him eventually because this side of him would have come out in other ways.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8489 | Registered: Apr 2008
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hummingbird, after three or four months in, I think perhaps a face-to-face conversation would have been more appropriate, not a quick call after implying plans were in place for a holiday weekend.

To do it that way without warning was kind of cowardly IMO.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 8:26 AM, May 27th (Tuesday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17706 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
hummingbird8
♀ Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Face to face maybe more kind, however since it was only EOW I would be curious to know how many dates they actually went on. It doesn't lesson nutmegs hurt, but it may help explain why he wasn't as invested.

Posts: 511 | Registered: Aug 2009
nutmegkitty
♀ Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think face to face would have been better.

The phone call was so abrupt, so out of character (from the character I had up until that point seen, perhaps it was there all the time adn I just had not seen it yet, I don't know), so strange.

We saw each other every other weekend since February. So 9 or so times. Many, many, many phone calls. Lots of texts.

In any case, I can't change it. I accept it. I have to move on. I sulked most of the weekend and now I am picking my chin up and looking forward. Well, mostly. It still stings.

Thanks again for your support and insight. It's invaluable.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2612 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
nomoreplease
♂ Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, let me say nutmegkitty, I’m so sorry you are hurting… (((nutmegkitty)))

Now, I feel like I’m going to get torn apart posting this here, but I feel like it is very relevant...

Face to face maybe more kind, however since it was only EOW I would be curious to know how many dates they actually went on. It doesn't lesson nutmegs hurt, but it may help explain why he wasn't as invested.
Ok, I’m glad someone else said it because I’m reading through this thread with everyone tearing this guy apart thinking I could be this guy.

I didn’t see anywhere that said they were exclusive, so if they were then this doesn’t apply… But, especially with OLD, I’m operating under the assumption that until we have ‘the conversation’ we are seeing other people. I’ve been on the EOW schedule with a single mother for a couple of months, and she is great but I have not committed anything to her. And at this point, if she asked for it, I still don’t know if I would commit. At EOW, it takes a long time to get to know someone and at this point the time restriction is a big deal to me (and yes, I’m very busy outside of dating as well). It doesn’t mean this woman is any less special, just that the situation is non-ideal for me, and if I met someone in a better situation for me, I would be much more likely to commit.

[This message edited by nomoreplease at 9:41 AM, May 27th (Tuesday)]


Divorced...and moving on!

Posts: 480 | Registered: Jul 2011
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NMK)))

$10 says that he'll be back in less than a month.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7820 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you are hurting (((NMK))).

Being alone is preferable to being with someone constantly searching for the next best thing.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3533 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Nutmegkitty)) FTG!!!!!!!!!!!!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
erzulie
♀ Member
Member # 3293
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A little $0.02, just for what it might be worth.

this EOW just isn't working for me!

He is using the arrangement you had as an excuse for his poor behavior. If he can saddle the responsibility for his choices and treatment of you, onto an outside circumstance, then ... he can avoid taking responsibility for what he did. And what he did was, keep his options open for meeting someone else without being clear with you that this was a possibility still on the table.

By blaming it on this "EOW" circumstance, he avoids having to feel like the bad guy.

All other elements of your relationship aside ... you do not want to end up with someone who behaves this way. Who avoids responsibility by assigning it elsewhere.

You did dodge a bullet, but ... it is human nature to feel the sting of how that bullet grazed your heart.

Hugs ...


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.


Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It doesn’t mean this woman is any less special, just that the situation is non-ideal for me, and if I met someone in a better situation for me, I would be much more likely to commit.

But would you dump single mum over the phone after implying you guys were going to have plans for a holiday weekend?

That's the question.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17706 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
nomoreplease
♂ Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But would you dump single mum over the phone after implying you guys were going to have plans for a holiday weekend?
Depending on the circumstances, possibly. It is entirely possible that he setup the plans with the full intention of keeping them, and then another woman he was dating had the exclusive talk with him. While I agree it's not ideal, if he had already made the decision to break up with her, would you rather him keep the weekend plans just to break up with her? With the EOW situation you don't have the option to get together quick for coffee or something to do it, so it is either wait for the big weekend plans or over the phone (which IMO neither are ideal).

But besides that fact, I'm not reading most of these comments as being pissed that he broke up over the phone. The way I'm reading it is everyone is pissed that he met someone else, when as I said earlier I didn't see anything that indicated he had committed to not look for others.

He is using the arrangement you had as an excuse for his poor behavior.
Um, what poor behavior?
And what he did was, keep his options open for meeting someone else without being clear with you that this was a possibility still on the table.
Um again, unless he had committed to not doing this, I don't think he did anything wrong. I've seen it stated on this forum multiple times that (at least with OLD, and I would assuming IRL dating as well) until you have the exclusive talk it is best to assume they are seeing other people.

Again, I could very easily be this guy so if I'm completely missing something horrible this guy did please tell me.


Divorced...and moving on!

Posts: 480 | Registered: Jul 2011
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We talked LAST NIGHT and were on for tonight.

I think under these circumstances the classy thing to do would be to meet her as arranged (after a phone message saying "I need to talk to you) and have a face-to-face. A bare minimum of consideration.

It's the abruptness of it that gives me douchebumps...

[This message edited by FaithFool at 8:30 PM, May 27th (Tuesday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17706 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 53
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