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Newest Member: LostinBluseas (45054)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is your new beginning 'never to date again'
BrighterFuture
♀ Member
Member # 38914
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wondering how many have made this choice. I'm so so scared of going through this again I'm almost to the point I feel like I don't want to date. I guess I feel like protecting myself and scared of trusting someone and being vulnerable.


Me:30
Him:31
D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.


Posts: 348 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I almost never say never. Dating has not been a part of my new beginning, and it won't be a part for the foreseeable future. I have zero interest in it, and I've got plenty of other irons on the fire that are far more important to me and demand my full attention.

That being said, this - I guess I feel like protecting myself and scared of trusting someone and being vulnerable - may be a good indication that you aren't ready yet. That doesn't mean that you have to lock yourself away in the tower, by the way. You can go out. Meet people. Do fun things. Socialize. Learn something new. Try something you've never tried before. Uncover old interests you've left behind.

Many people recommend trying Meet Ups if you aren't ready or willing to date, but want to meet people and get out more.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25499 | Registered: Aug 2011
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dating has not been a part of my new beginning. I went on one date a couple months after the D and I just found myself uninterested in investing the time. I suppose part of that is not wanting to be vulnerable again. But part of it is because I'm rediscovering myself and I like being a mom. I like being a teacher. I like working on my house and yard. I like pursuing my master's degree. I like being in control.

I won't say never because I also like being open to new possibilities...but I'm in a good place...so why mess with a good thing?

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to date. Take time and find what you need...give yourself space to heal.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4655 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't date right now and I haven't since, well since I was dating my xWH. I enjoy my freedom, my friends, my family, work, school and my downtime. I have thought maybe I might date someday but meh, someday isn't in the near future. I have tons of stuff I want to get done for me first. Part of that is getting to a place where IF I let someone in and IF they messed up like this, I want to be secure enough in me to just walk away. No more co dependency.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1760 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I OLD a little after D. It's not for me. So I'm just doing my own thing right now (kids, work, home, yard, travel, etc). I kinda like it. Being single isn't really about fear of dating/intimacy. It's more about freedom and independence. If I want to go to Paris I don't have to put it off because my SO doesn't want to go. I just plan it! If I want to paint my living room I don't have to check in with someone about the color - I get the one I want.

There is that old saying from Love Story:
"Love means never having to say you're sorry"
well... okay but I like this one better:
"Being single means never having to compromise again!"


Posts: 490 | Registered: Jun 2012
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think I'll date seriously for another decade or so. My girls are only 6 and 3 and I just can't see how I would ever risk this again by bringing someone into their lives. Let alone sharing my life with someone again.

I'm enjoying the freedom of not having to be accountable to anyone but myself. That would be hard to adjust to again.

So yes - I think for some time my NB will be never to date again. I don't believe I'll ever meet anyone that would be worth the risk. I also don't trust my picker. Who knows what the future holds but TBH I wouldn't date me right now.

I think it's important to have some time alone without fretting. If I end up alone I'm good with that - I'd rather that than WH#2.

I still love men and have a lot of respect and admiration for the good and great guys in my life. I just don't want to buy the cow.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5576 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll never say never. But it's just not a priority for me to date again. I'm going to rebuild my life and enjoy myself before I think about adding complications.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1796 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't date for about a year after my D. I called it "sexual hibernation".

I date now, my I like my alone time also. I don't know if I could ever live with someone again.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7697 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right now I'm in this category.
I'm just....tired.
I have no problem going out with friends even guys, but it is strictly platonic, and it is just doing fun stuff with folks that have mutual interests with no pressure involved.
Maybe one day, but I just don't have the mental or emotional energy to deal with a man right now. I haven't gotten my shit together, and there is much on my plate at present.
But never say never.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2263 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 2:57 AM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am fair to busy to even consider dating. Won't say never but he would have to be pretty bloody fabulous to give up my freedom.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1347 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
justjim
♂ Member
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 5:08 AM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately, it seems that people no longer know how to "date". Dating used to be an interview process that folks used to gradually become more and more familiar with potential mates.

Now days, it seems that it is more like "Hello, I'm Jim". "Well Hello Jim, I'm Loosey. Wanna come to my place for the night?"

What??????

Enjoy your wine. Take some time to understand how lucky you are that the crazy revealed itself now, rather than later when your heart was even more vulnerable.

You're going to be just fine.


Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes.

Certainly not dating right now.


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 497 | Registered: Nov 2013
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dating for me has ebbed and flowed. Sometimes I"m up for it, and others times it's just in my way and this thing that challenges me, but not in a good way.

I didn't date too soon after my D, but my first dating forays did make me panic. It was hard being around men, being my normal friendly self, and realizing that I had no history with them, no memories to recall, didn't know if I could trust them and so on. Basically adjusting to the uncertainties of meeting new people and not giving them my power took quite some time.

It wasn't until all of that was worked through and gone that dating actually turned into something where I was receptive to getting to know someone and didn't feel badly about but rather, hmm, new person, cool!

There is no requirement to date. Dating doesn't have to be part of rebuilding your life. Had I been your age when all of this happened to me? I probably would have relaxed and waited longer to date. I think I felt pressure because of my age, I felt a little like goods nearing their expiry date on the shelves that everyone passes over to buy something fresher.

Dang girl, you've got sooooooooooo much time in your future for a do-over. What's the rush in making any kind of pronouncement? Hang out and live your life. Your heart will tell you when you're ready to look around at some new people and see if they are candidates for sharing your life. You've got all the time in the world, so until then, if it makes you feel badly, don't do it and no need to apologize for not doing it.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3104 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
BrighterFuture
♀ Member
Member # 38914
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been 15 months of no sex no dating for me. I'm raising 2 small kids and pursuing a Master's degree graduating in 2015. I need to heal. No dating for me until 2016 or later.


Me:30
Him:31
D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.


Posts: 348 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Going into year 6 of flying solo, I'm turning into a confirmed old bachelorette here.

I met one guy on OLD a few years ago who was nice enough, but he misrepresented with old photos.

The bad teeth and the massive gut were kind of a turnoff. I wouldn't have had a problem dating the guy in the pictures!

Anywho, since then I just lurk and if I see someone interesting someday I would consider it, but they'd have to be pretty much where I'm at with life for it to work (the extroverted introvert personality profile would be a good match).

I've become pretty involved with finishing my degree and doing what I want, when I want, and making time for song and dance required to date takes so much energy. I prefer to direct that energy to other things right now.

And when I see the anguish in the "he/she dumped me" threads it becomes even less attractive. I remember going through that in my twenties and so don't want to go there ever again.

But yeah, never say never. Stranger things have happened.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 12:26 PM, May 26th (Monday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17411 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not dating and really not looking to date. I am out making friends and learning my way around my new town.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5160 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
justjim
♂ Member
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something tells me that OLD would not work out for me, but my profile might be interesting reading, though.

Maybe I will swear off dating, too.


Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
Too_Trusting
♀ Member
Member # 99
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't dated since my SO died in 2006, and I have zero desire to date. Like others have said, I'm just content doing what I want, when I want, and answering to no one. I discovered some things about my SO after he died, and it appeared that he had likely been seeing his exW while we were supposedly in a committed relationship. After that discovery, I just realized that my picker was obviously broken, and it's like I flipped a switch and just couldn't be bothered to ever date again.

Of course, I'm in my 50's, and being in a relationship just truly isn't important to me. My freedom and independence seems to suit me much better.


"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies

Posts: 2469 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina
fraeuken
♀ Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could have written every word nowiknow23 said.

I did date for a while as part of my NB in 2013 but made a conscious decision not to do that because I am not ready.

Meetups are fun, but mostly I just like to spend time with my girls when they are with me and focus on work when I have kid free time.

Good luck to you, BrighterFuture.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1257 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
jilted12
♀ Member
Member # 35640
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't say never but I haven't dated yet & am not really looking to. OLD isn't for me but if I happened to meet someone in the course of my every day life that I was interested in I would do it. But since everyone I hang out with is married, I don't see that happening any time soon. As others have said though, my life is quite fulfilling at the moment & I'm enjoying being single again. My friends keep bugging me about it but I told them that the next man in my life will most likely be of the four-legged variety


Me: BS 40
Him: WS 39
Married 10 yrs, together 13
DS-8, DD-5, DS-2
D-Day 5/9/12, 2 days before #3 was born
Filed for D 8/12; D final 4/13

"I used to be married but I'm better now"


Posts: 188 | Registered: May 2012
Topic Posts: 25
Pages: 1 · 2

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