Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: roseyposey (44693)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The "Why." Waywards especially welcome!
JustForgave
♀ Member
Member # 36038
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I read a lot about the wayward finding his/her "why." Things like "I was unhappy" don't seem to be what the "why" is.

What IS the "why?" Can anyone give me any examples of their own?

My wh seems to be doing most things right, and the things he's not so great at are things that just aren't anything he can do, apparently, such as having a huge, tear-filled breakdown filled with pain at what he's done has affected me.

At any rate, in our thousands of talks about things, he's said that in our marriage, he didn't feel attractive or needed or loved, and that his affairs gave him that. They were always excited to see him, always made him feel good, bla bla bla. In short, ego kibbles. Is THAT a "why?"

Or is a "why" even deeper?


Me: 47
FWH: 39 (SI username: Bumbling)
DD: 10

DDay #1: June 9, 2012
Dday #2 (TT): November 29, 2012
DDay #3 (The BIG one, ALL the TT): March 30, 2013
False R: June 12, 2012 - March 21, 2013
REAL R: March 21, 2013 - present


Posts: 280 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Texas
isadora
♀ Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, imo it is a start. But the big question is why did he give himself permission to cheat, because until he figures that out he will always be in danger of repeating the behavior once yhe horror fades .


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4506 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he didn't feel attractive or needed or loved

The problem I have with this as a "why," is, what happens next time he doesn't feel attractive or loved? As long as he's relying on external sources of validation to feel worthy, he is at risk of reoffending. Also this "why" feels a little blame-shifty, i.e., you didn't "make him feel good" so he had to find someone else to do it.

In a nutshell, my why is that when I felt bad, I blamed external forces, in part because I was emotionally stunted. Dissociation was my go-to maladaptive coping mechanism, and under stress I delusionally convinced myself that I wasn't doing anything wrong by seeking out MOM for fantasy escapism. Some may see that as a psycho-babble excuse for "because I was a selfish jerk," and I respect that opinion as well. But this "why" enables me to catch myself when I'm feeling unattractive or unloved or whatever, figure out what the internal source is, and speak to BH and/or my IC about it. Instead of acting out in unhealthy ways.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1104 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Speculating after 3.5 years....

Maybe 'why' is any reason that a fWS uses to change from cheater to good partner.

In any case, I'm pretty sure that no 'why' will be understandable to a BS....


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9986 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He didn't feel needed attractive or loved.
This is not the why it's a direction to find why.
WHY does he need to feel needed, attractive, and why does he need external validation?

That's gonna get you a lot closer to the real why.

For us H reached a point where he felt like is this really as good as it gets?
He had the dream job the house the car the two kids, the Golden retriever and even the white fueling fence. How come he wasn't happy?

For him it was him not valuing what he had , forgiving himself for choosing a job that hurt his career to get us close to family when the kids were small. Healing happened when he realized money is just money, and not the answer to happiness. That no one from work would be at your side when you get sick or hurt. The people that matter and will be there are your family. Then of course the biggest lesson that we both learned and had to learn individually is happiness real happiness has to come from within your own self. And if you rely on others for it you will always be less than you can be.

It takes time and it takes being brave enough to keep asking why when you know the answers are going to be painful sad and reveal your weaknesses.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8194 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dup post

[This message edited by tushnurse at 5:37 PM, May 25th (Sunday)]


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8194 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because I wanted to cheat with the OM and didn't care that it would hurt XH...I didn't care that it was wrong...I didn't care about anything but what I wanted in that instant. The epitome of selfish and asshole.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2097 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 5:32 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because I was a selfish, entitled asshat.
Anything else is just excuses.
e.g. FOO issues
Low Self Esteem
Mid Life Crises
Depression
Need For Validation
Insufficient Sex
Sex Addiction

All just excuses for asshattery.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
totalheartbreak
♂ Member
Member # 41589
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cowardice. Plain and simple. Anything else is complete bs.
It is the absolute most single cowardly act a person can ever do.
It was easier to proceed than any of the other hundred plus options and they simply wanted to.
It was simply easier than being honest to the om/w, their bs and most importantly, themselves.


Me: BH (30s)
Wayflost: WW (30s)
"Ever notice those that advocate anything for 'happiness' are perennially unhappy?"

Posts: 145 | Registered: Dec 2013
Vulcanized
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 1:50 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wanted the ego stroke, validation, wanted the sex.

Wanted to have a grenade in my back pocket to lobe at XH when necessary.

Wanted the distraction of having to deal w/the fallout of XH's A & the utter devastation I was feeling.

Every thing about my RA was a total & complete disconnect from reality.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 738 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Chinadoll30
♀ Member
Member # 43131
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are many whys in our situation. Psychoanalyzing WH has always been my hobbie, so I probably know his whys more than he does. I know he felt rejected. I was, in fact, rejecting him because of a series of bad choices he had made. I know also that he has a psychic need to make me into the bad guy to justify his own shitty choices. That was there as well. It was a perfect storm of oppurtunity and situation. He has very low self esteem (I'm over simplifying here), I fed into that by rejecting him, so in order to make himself feel better, he chases stupid highs. And some woman throwing herself at him, no strings attached, fed right into the area that was so hurt by my rejection. I am in no way blaming myself, it was his fantastically shitty choices that created the situation, just recognizing the dynamics in our relationship that contributed. There is a huge FOO issue with him wanting to please, failing, making bad choices to numb himself, feeling guilty about choices, numbing further, and on and on.



"We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means 'I survived'." -Chris Cleave

Posts: 262 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Philadelphia
Jovie
♀ Member
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm surprised at the responses from heartbroken and slowuptake. If the only reason any WS can give is that they are a selfish asshole (which I'm not denying is true), how can any BS feel secure and comfortable that they will no longer be a selfish asshole. How can deeper exploration of that be regarded as bullshit excuses.

in our marriage, he didn't feel attractive or needed or loved, and that his affairs gave him that.

I don't think this is good enough. I completely agree with what 20wrongs said on the topic.

As for my why, I just responded to a post in Wayward about it, so I'll refer you to there.


Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
ItTookTime
♀ New Member
Member # 43396
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My stbxwh gave me some whoppers of why in couples therapy. She was nice to me. (Wtf). I liked her. I wanted to be single. I wanted the attention. . Bs after bs after bs. And he just didn't get it. I could, and did, put way too much time into figuring out his why, but in the end there was never going to be a why that made it okay. Believe me, it took years to get there.


DDay= March 22 2011
Divorce filed
BW
2 kids


Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2014
ShellyShell
♀ Member
Member # 42662
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine basically told me he had acted out sexually most his life, whenever he felt low (which was most of the time) and when he didn't feel loved. My depression after the birth of our youngest child caused me to withdraw emotionally, and his self centered self interpreted that to mean I didn't love him anymore and was going to leave him at any minute. He started seeking sex and affection elsewhere and just kept going out of pure selfishness and self loathing. He told me it will never make sense so I should stop trying to understand, he was just a shitty husband.

Posts: 95 | Registered: Mar 2014
brokeninfl
♀ Member
Member # 21896
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMHO, the "why" has be an internal issue. While "no sex" "not feeling loved" could certainly be "triggers" -- the reason those turned into - "My way of deal with this is to allow myself to have and A" is the real "Why".

I DO think that a need for external validation (for whatever reason) combined with poor boundaries and communication skills are often a big part of the "why" of a lot of affairs. Obviously I'm oversimplifying.

I have to agree with some others -- I'm not sure that I would be satisfied with a "i was selfish" "why".


I think the "why" is one of the hardest part. It seems to be a many layered answer -- usually sprinkled with unresolved issues which led to poor coping mechanisms with led to mal-adaptive thinking processes which allowed for the demonizing/justifying/compartmentalizing which facilitates the affair.


"On the other side of fear lies freedom"

Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
2 DS
DD 11/08
Divorced.


Posts: 1074 | Registered: Dec 2008
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the "why" is one of the hardest part. It seems to be a many layered answer -- usually sprinkled with unresolved issues which led to poor coping mechanisms with led to mal-adaptive thinking processes which allowed for the demonizing/justifying/compartmentalizing which facilitates the affair.


This would basically be it in a nutshell for me.

There was no slippery slope for me, no lies, no hiding, no ego kibbles, no external validation. I made a choice when I was in a very bad place emotionally and physically. My coping skills were maxed out. But mine is not the typical A.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4743 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
BrokenheartedUK
♀ Member
Member # 43520
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's the hardest question after "what was I to him during the affair" to answer truthfully. It's many different answers combining a variety of factors. He's the only one that can answer it but keep pressure on him for a little more insight.


Dday: 4th of January, 2014
WH 50
BS 49
18 years of marriage...three children
One affair PA/EA

Whatever doesn't kill you...doesn't kill you.


Posts: 142 | Registered: May 2014
KatieG
♀ Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the "why" is one of the hardest part. It seems to be a many layered answer -- usually sprinkled with unresolved issues which led to poor coping mechanisms with led to mal-adaptive thinking processes which allowed for the demonizing/justifying/compartmentalizing which facilitates the affair.

Yes it is the hardest part. Any of these excuses could be repeated if the planets were aligned again.

What I really want is this:

He didn't feel needed attractive or loved.
This is not the why it's a direction to find why.
WHY does he need to feel needed, attractive, and why does he need external validation?

And WHY did you choose to get your needs met in an unhealthy, self-destructive way? Could be drugs, alcohol, overeating, porn, having an affair. The choice is usually subconscious so takes a lot of work to get there - if you want to.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 417 | Registered: Nov 2013
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Sad  Posted: 9:45 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In a nutshell, my why is that when I felt bad, I blamed external forces, in part because I was emotionally stunted. Dissociation was my go-to maladaptive coping mechanism, and under stress I delusionally convinced myself that I wasn't doing anything wrong by seeking out MOM for fantasy escapism. Some may see that as a psycho-babble excuse for "because I was a selfish jerk," and I respect that opinion as well. But this "why" enables me to catch myself when I'm feeling unattractive or unloved or whatever, figure out what the internal source is, and speak to BH and/or my IC about it. Instead of acting out in unhealthy ways.

20wrongs:

I think that is an excellent an answer. I think you are owning the responsibility rather than blameshifting.

I don't always feel as if my husband was simply being a selfish jerk.

Sometimes I can see that he needed external validation because he was very spoiled and adored as a child and perhaps my admiration wasn't strong enough to fill that need.

The thing that upsets me is that he is still blameshifting by claiming I didn't make him feel attractive enough or loved enough.

I don't think any wife could have fawned over him enough to feed his need for admiration and ego strokes.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 967 | Registered: May 2014
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Content  Posted: 9:52 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because I wanted to cheat with the OM and didn't care that it would hurt XH...I didn't care that it was wrong...I didn't care about anything but what I wanted in that instant. The epitome of selfish and asshole.

Because I was a selfish, entitled asshat.
Anything else is just excuses.

Although, I think there are more reasons to the why of cheating for the majority of waywards, I do appreciate the fact that some waywards are willing to label cheating as selfish.

Even though, I don't really see my husband's affair as simply being selfish and thoughtless, they are components of the A, but not the true why, maybe?

However, if my husband made comments like the ones from waywards here that I have quoted, it would truly help me heal faster.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 967 | Registered: May 2014
Topic Posts: 56
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.