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User Topic: The "Why." Waywards especially welcome!
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he didn't feel attractive or needed or loved

always excited to see him, always made him feel good

The why, IMHO, is the flawed thinking and unhealthy coping mechanisms that allowed him to choose every step leading up to and including an affair.

The why are the things that need to be worked on and changed.

Low self esteem, lack of communication, poor boundaries, codependency, selfishness, emotional immaturity, avoidance of intimacy, conflict avoidance.

I had no concept of boundaries and got curious about a person that I was impressed by as a "good man" who was safe because he would never be alone with a woman who wasn't his wife and I would never be alone with a man either. I knew I was crossing the line but I was "in control of the situation".

For me: poor boundaries, low self esteem, the ability to compartmentalize and suspend reality to escape my bad feelings instead of facing them and dealing with them, complete and utter cluelessness about my own flaws and issues that let me blame my unhappiness on my BH, and of course selfishness. I never before believed I was so selfish that I could hurt someone to make myself "feel better", but I did. It was the ability to compartmentalize and suspend reality that let me completely block thoughts of the pain I would cause others when it would be revealed. In my mind I was going to take it to the grave to protect everyone else. I see how utterly ridiculous that is now. I think the biggest why was the inability to see myself, to face my own pain and serious issues. I really thought I was the healthy person who needed to help everyone else around me.

I'm still working on whys and improving myself and I'm sure I have missed some stuff. Knight says I'm very different now than I ever have been in our entire marriage. I think the biggest change has been this huge, catastrophic mess I made of our lives has torn the blinders off of my eyes and forced me for the first time in my life to look at me. I'm still not who I want to be and it's a struggle every day, but I'm a lot easier to live with because when something's not right the first place I look to make corrections is with myself. Now that some time has passed I'm able to stand up for myself with knight and ask for what I need, but I am always examining myself for flawed thinking too.

Sorry I got long winded


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1509 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me: poor boundaries, low self esteem, the ability to compartmentalize and suspend reality to escape my bad feelings instead of facing them and dealing with them, complete and utter cluelessness about my own flaws and issues that let me blame my unhappiness on my BH, and of course selfishness. I never before believed I was so selfish that I could hurt someone to make myself "feel better", but I did. It was the ability to compartmentalize and suspend reality that let me completely block thoughts of the pain I would cause others when it would be revealed. In my mind I was going to take it to the grave to protect everyone else. I see how utterly ridiculous that is now. I think the biggest why was the inability to see myself, to face my own pain and serious issues. I really thought I was the healthy person who needed to help everyone else around me.


KnightsBFF:

Wow your post was really insightful and helpful as a window into the mind of someone in an affair.

Thank you.

How long did it take for you to start to realize all this stuff?

Did you ever initially blameshift, after caught?

When you say you were blaming your spouse during the affair, at the time did you realize the blame was just a way to justify what you were doing?


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO *why* is not a good question to ask. Because a WHY usually points to something out side of them self.

*I never felt attractive* - why? - because YOU never complemented or paid enough attention to me. In the end *why* seems to always be some one elses fault.

Hell. Ive never felt attractive in my life. And Ive never cheated.

If you must ask a *why question* IMO its important to cut through all the bull s**t. The WHY for WWs cheating as I see it is:

1. She had the opportunity. OM came on to her so she knew what he wanted.

2. She wanted to. OM was attractive and made her feel good by showering her with ego kibbles.

3. She believed she could get away with it. OM was a co worker as so she felt she could keep her affair and the marriage separate.

So she did it. As simple as that.

Before and during her LTA WW came up with a litany of *whys*. Our M was bad. She was lonely. I didnt love her. I didnt pay enough attention to her. All the usual stuff.

For me HOW is a much more important question for a WS to answer.

HOW was it that she did not shoot down OMs initial advances?
HOW was it that she allowed herself to be drawn in to OM?

EAs consist of many small boundaries being crossed. I think people kinda slide into a EA. But a PA starts with a BIG boundary being crossed.

HOW was it that she allowed herself to cross that PA boundary?


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long did it take for you to start to realize all this stuff?

After my AP's d-day I found SI and did a lot of reading. There is so much truth and honesty here I swear my very soul recognized it as truth and I was able to start the miserable and freeing work of seeing myself. I knew all along I was seriously wrong to be in an A. I started slowly to see my brokenness from reading here and recognizing so many of the "wayward handbook" behaviors in myself. I started slowly to recognize many things wrong in my thinking and, of course, my behavior. I am still finding things as I carefully observe myself. I think we all (humans) can continue to recognize flaws in our ways of thinking and our actions as we grow and change throughout our lives. I believe that it is one of our greater purposes in life to constantly improve ourselves, learn, and grow. I had completely stopped all progress during the A and was staying stuck in hopeless wrongness. Believe it or don't it was misery. I was using the fantasy world of the A to escape from the misery my choices (having an A) were causing me. What a freaking mess!

Did you ever initially blameshift, after caught?

I blame shifted before and during the A (to justify it to myself and even to the AP). After getting caught I had read enough on SI to know better. I wasn't even doing it internally any more by the time I confessed to my BH.

When you say you were blaming your spouse during the affair, at the time did you realize the blame was just a way to justify what you were doing?
I had to think a lot about this question. On further reflection I don't think I blamed knight for the A, I blamed him for our M being miserable though. I think at some level I did realize I was justifying myself but I couldn't let myself go there. I ran away from those uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, refused to "go there". The A was about escaping from myself. When I was in contact with the AP I could look at the false image of myself the AP created for me and avoid all the painful truths.

I am really worried I'm triggering people here and I don't want to cause pain. I want to help, not hurt.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1509 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
JustForgave
♀ Member
Member # 36038
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, all, for your responses. I talked with WH last night and this morning about some of this stuff, and it really isn't going anywhere. I don't think he blames me, completely, because we're both aware of our contributions to what was, in all objective honesty, a pretty bad marriage. But he really does have difficulty answering "why."

He says that he truly did think our marriage was dead, and that there was no way it would ever get better. There is truth to that. Neither of us was doing anything to make it better. Our communication sucked mightily. So I pointed out that we were both sad and miserable, and my choice was just to keep my head down and hope it got better. Why was his choice to have an affair? What made it okay? What made him make that choice instead of choosing to divorce me, or try MC again, or any of the other stuff he could have chosen? That's what he can't answer. I asked him what he thinks might have happened if there weren't willing women around, and he thought maybe he would have tried to find another hobby, something to make him feel good. I asked if he chose other women because it was easier than finding a new hobby. He can't answer it.

And here's the biggest question, I guess: do I really need those answers? What's done is done, he can't unfuck her. He does so much right, and I really, really hope that he won't do it again, and that we can remain married and successful and be happy.

But there's so much fear on my part.

[This message edited by JustForgave at 4:06 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)]


Me: 47
FWH: 40 (SI username: Bumbling)
DD: 11

DDay #1: June 9, 2012
Dday #2 (TT): November 29, 2012
DDay #3 (The BIG one, ALL the TT): March 30, 2013
False R: June 12, 2012 - March 21, 2013
REAL R: March 21, 2013 - present


Posts: 296 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Texas
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KnightsBFF:

Thank you so much for your reply. It has really really been very helpful to hear your perspective and thoughts.

Justforgave:

I can totally understand the fear.

For me, the fear that my wayward husband will have another affair is so huge. It fills up the whole room sometimes and prevents me from seeing past it to my husband standing there.

It is holding me back from moving forward.

I am trying to shake the fear. But it's not easy.

I do see my wayward's remorse.

But then I hear from people who told me they reconciled and ten years later their husband is having another affair.

I didn't see the signs the first time, and I don't trust myself to see them again.

He always swore he would never cheat on me. So now when he swears he will not cheat again, it's meaningless to me.

I really don't want to go there again, into that pain of knowing my husband is lying to me to hide an affair.

I know it sounds silly, but the pain of the affair is beyond description.

I am trying hard to find ways to overcome the fear.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
hopefull77
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Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Knightsbff
I can not tell you how much your post means to me...my H has said some of these same things...
no triggers here it makes me feel hopeful and happy for you...you like my H have done the deep digging...that is a very uncomfortable place to be ...BUT it is also very freeing...
I feel pretty sure that this won't happen to us again...BECAUSE of the very hard work it takes to recognize our flaws and COMMUNICATE our fears....oh I know there will be more tears shed...but I know we will be comforting each other ....reassuring each other...
today we CELEBRATE 37 years of marriage....there is no way in hell 37 years ago either one of us thought we'd be sitting here ....but we are and we are healing....
I'm sorry if I've gone off topic but thank you all for your insight


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 06-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 676 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
Falls
♂ New Member
Member # 43544
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW says to me that "she thinks she changed" that "the romance wasn't there anymore".

Specifically, what does this mean? It means that she was lost confused and searching for something. What does it mean to me? That she was lost confused and searching for something. Could/should I have more of an every day attempt to show or create more romance in the marriage? Definitely. But was that going to guarantee what happened not to happen? Who knows.

And that is the crux of the problem. It seems like we can only move forward with this and use the knowledge from what we have learned to try respect ourselves and our partner. Whether that be during a R or in a new relationship. Questions like the whys are like acid that burn through our thoughts, emotions, and our overall well-being.


Posts: 4 | Registered: May 2014
ItTookTime
♀ New Member
Member # 43396
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor - awesome post. Made me think maybe it wasn't the "why" that I really wanted. It was more "how could you?" Insightful.


DDay= March 22 2011
Divorced 9/29/2014
BW
2 kids


Posts: 15 | Registered: May 2014
LivinginLimbo
♀ Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Initially, my FWH tried to make it sound as if he did it for me. When menopause hit, I had a problem with dryness so sex became painful. In his pea brain way of thinking, he was "sparing me" the discomfort by going elsewhere for sex.

I showed him quite the collection of K-Y bottles I had which was a simple solution to the issue. Since he rebuffed my advances, most of them had passed their expiration date.

When I wouldn't buy into this selfless humanitarian gesture, he finally admitted that he felt using a lubricant was an affront to his manhood and ability to perform.

About nine months after D-Day, I was dealing with a serious medical issue and the loss of my beloved dog. I was numb from all the pain on top of the A pain. My FWH finally saw the depth of what he did to me and broke down crying. This was when he blurted out "I was selfish. I just wanted to do it."

That's all I ever needed. One truly honest answer to "why."


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1059 | Registered: Mar 2012
tearingaway
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Member # 28618
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. She had the opportunity and she didn't think anyone would find out about it. This is a big one!

2. She needed to be reassured that she was attractive. mOM gave her that reassurance by sticking his dick inside her.

3. She is selfish and acts like a junior high school girl around other men. As a result, she didn't have the insight, foresight, or tools to actively detach from the mOM.

4. She's never satisfied with the here and now, even if it is actually better than something new, so she wanted to experiment. The opportunity that she had allowed her to experiment.

5. She doesn't care about the feelings of those who actually love her, so she does what she wants, when she wants.


Posts: 357 | Registered: May 2010
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Exclaimation  Posted: 7:54 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was when he blurted out "I was selfish. I just wanted to do it."
This, to me, is the bottom line for most waywards. Everything else, the compartmentalization, poor coping skills, poor boundaries, etc., etc. are the "how's" that let them be able to do what they wanted to do.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Gman1
♂ Member
Member # 40879
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would think the question of "Why?" is one of the most important of all if not the most important. It was for me. We had a seemingly perfect life with two kids, a newly built dream home, great jobs, a golden retriever and a very good marriage with no real issues (or so I thought). When my WW came to me and confessed her A, it was beyond my comprehension and the "why" question came in my mind within seconds and stayed there for months. She could not give me good reasons so one day during a one on one MC session, I asked the MC if he could give me an answer to why. He told me that A's are illogical and that I was looking for a logical answer to an illogical situation and that I would never truly be able to fully understand. He then went on to explain that she had a "perfect storm" of many factors including her depression, mid-life crises issues, low self esteem, FOO issues, etc.

But what it really boils down to is that these issues were combined with poor boundaries and selfishness and the need for external validation from another male. All these things came together at one time when she was 39 and boom, an EA began which eventually turned into a weekend PA. And now I have to live with this ridiculous decision of hers for the rest of my life. I wish she had gone out and secretly bought a red convertible sports car instead...


Posts: 273 | Registered: Oct 2013
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Initially, my FWH tried to make it sound as if he did it for me. When menopause hit, I had a problem with dryness so sex became painful. In his pea brain way of thinking, he was "sparing me" the discomfort by going elsewhere for sex.

I showed him quite the collection of K-Y bottles I had which was a simple solution to the issue. Since he rebuffed my advances, most of them had passed their expiration date.

When I wouldn't buy into this selfless humanitarian gesture, he finally admitted that he felt using a lubricant was an affront to his manhood and ability to perform.

About nine months after D-Day, I was dealing with a serious medical issue and the loss of my beloved dog. I was numb from all the pain on top of the A pain. My FWH finally saw the depth of what he did to me and broke down crying. This was when he blurted out "I was selfish. I just wanted to do it."

That's all I ever needed. One truly honest answer to "why."

Wow. I really resonate with your post.

I had similar problems with dryness. I had similar problems with initiating and being rebuffed when using lubricants.

He later told the MC that at that point sex seemed too contrived and he wanted more spontaneity.

Does he think that after 20 years of marriage perhaps I too was a tad bored with the routine sex?

His affair came on the heels of my father's death. So, admittedly a few months later, I was still somewhat depressed and disengaged.

I had been spending a lot of time with my mother who leaves two hours away, trying to help her adjust and cope. She's in her 8os.

So, he also told the counselor he felt neglected.

All are just excuses for he wanted to date someone new and have sex with someone new while married.

He is still minimizing.

It would really help me heal if he would just admit that he was selfish and only cared about his own pleasure and the responsibilities of real life was not the work he was willing to do.

[This message edited by seethelight at 9:14 AM, May 29th (Thursday)]


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T/J
I wish she had gone out and secretly bought a red convertible sports car instead...
On my birthday one year, FWH went out and bought a red convertible Corvette secretly. He brought it home and I thought it was for me. Nope, he bought himself a little red Corvette for himself on my birthday. I don't even remember now if he bought me a gift.

I use to joke at the time that I was glad that he bought a Corvette instead of going out and getting some young blonde. Yeah, just had to wait a decade and he did go out and get himself some dishwater blonde who was a few years younger than me. end T/J


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And now I have to live with this ridiculous decision of hers for the rest of my life. I wish she had gone out and secretly bought a red convertible sports car instead...

After the affair my husband claimed I was too careful with spending.

I was careful because I was the saver and he was the spender and we had huge credit card debt we were trying to pay off. The debt was directly related to his outlandish spending and need for silly status symbol type of items.

After the affair he asked me if he could by a red Ferari. I was so confuse and my self esteem was so low, and he kept claiming he had the affair because I was too careful with money that I let him use money we didn't have to buy this stupid red Ferari.

I feel like he is the one who had all the fun of an affair and now he gets rewarded with a Ferari, and what do I have.

All I have is a man whom I can never trust. A man who makes me feel unsafe with him, and unspecial to him.

Also, why does he need a red Ferari, is he going to use it to bait young girls.

[This message edited by seethelight at 9:27 AM, May 29th (Thursday)]


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
ShiningAutumn8
Member
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ultimately, why does anyone do anything?

Because they want to.

Even things we supposedly "have" to do -- ie work, pay bills -- those ultimately are done b/c we WANT income, a house, electricity.

I think all cheaters cheat b/c they want to. (And they don't think they'll get caught.)

But the more deeper question is How, as in How could do it, how could you risk it, how could you hurt me.

And also WHY did you want to do it. (ie was depressed, seeking validation from outside sources, or simply b/c it felt good and Im narcissistic and selfish)

I think Betrayed kill themselves searching for Why. When ultimately, they all cheated b/c they wanted to and for whatever reason it felt good.

It more important to delve into why it felt good, why they wanted it, and how they could hurt their spouse.


Posts: 522 | Registered: Feb 2014
painpaingoaway
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Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree 1000% with razor. I don't even like to hear people talk about wanting an answer to the "why"! To me, it just seems like we are giving them an opportunity to make excuses. To me, it is about the "HOW", not the "WHY".

I think many BS's agonize over this issue too much. I believe many waywards lack emotional maturity and have no moral compass. They came upon an opportunity, they thought they could get away with it, and just jumped right in.

Many many people have all sorts of FOO issues, self-esteem issues, and a plethora of other issues, BUT WE DON'T CHEAT. Why is that? IMO, it is because we have very deep seated moral values that are part of WHO WE ARE. These values can not be pulled out of us, they are woven into our character, and nothing can change that. Some of our WS's however, may have led us to believe they held similar beliefs, and they may have even believed themselves to be 'moral' people, but had never truly incorporated what that actually means into themselves.



me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7140 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j Jovie: I understand what you're saying and I think the answer is that nobody really can know. Yes, I can certainly see how in my XH's mind he could be thinking, "How long before she turns into a selfish asshole again and does whatever she wants, the rest of the world be damned?" It'd be a perfectly reasonable fear.

The thing is, those really are the crux of my whys. I tend to agree with those that say infidelity occurs because the cheating partner wants to cheat. The reasons why they want to cheat may vary but the simple fact is, unless they are forced (which is rape), we wouldn't have done it if on some level, for whatever reason, we didn't want to do it.

I have always done pretty much whatever the hell I wanted to do. I have always been a "weigh the risk against the rewards" type in deciding my behavior. I don't particularly like going to work, but I go because I would dislike living in a cardboard box *more.* When I cheated, I did so because I wanted to cheat more than I wanted to remain faithful. I basically determined that being divorced due to my adultery was preferable to not having the affair in the first place. Fucked up? Yep. If it's not the definition of "selfish asshole" then I don't know what is.

Speaking only for myself, I believe that throwing up other whys besides I was selfish, self-centered, and didn't care about anyone's feelings but my own, are excuses. There were various reasons why cheating was a decision I made (the "how", I guess) but to me they don't really matter. In the end, despite my low self-esteem, excessive need for validation, uncontrollable urge to "win" back the OM after he dumped me years ago, my overblown sense of entitlement and ego...none of it matters because in the end one either does the right thing or the wrong thing. I chose to do the wrong thing. I believe XH is with me because he now trusts me to do the right thing. Because at the end of the day, even a selfish asshole has the power to choose to do the right thing.

Whew, that was a longer t/j than I meant. I got carried away!


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

We remarried in 2014.


Posts: 2317 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
islesguy
♂ Member
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have done a ton of self analysis and IC and it has led to the following conclusion.

I have always had low self esteem and had always looked to others for approval, I have poor boundaries, I am a selfish person, I am a risk taker, I was very immature, I compartmentalized everything, I can rationalize things, and I am impulsive.

So, why did I cheat, because there was opportunity and because it made me feel good to know someone wanted me because of my low self esteem. Yes, this is true for lots of non cheaters, but the difference is that I also had the poor boundaries, selfishness, strong real time rationalizing skills, and I took my relationship for granted because I wasn't thinking about consequences.

I can also completely relate to knightsbff as even though I knew my past, until I was exposed I was able to look at myself as a good person who had made some poor choices because of my rationalizing and compartmentalizing skills and would have taken it to the grave to "protect" my wife. After being exposed and seeing the fallout firsthand, I can see myself as an awful selfish person who used others in order to boost my own ego at my wife and families expense with the excuse of protecting her from the truth when in reality I was just protecting my lying cheating ass.

Knowing these poor traits helps me work on them but I still have failures in my life. I am not talking about cheating, but I am talking about not thinking before I do things. I know no one is perfect, but I made the absolute worst decisions sometimes. But, I am committed to continuing to grow as a person.


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


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