We're twenty months out. Like many here, i suffer from depression triggered by A. Within the first week, my doctor had me on anti depressants. (which i firmly believe saved my life). I'm in IC as well as MC. I also have ADHD which i take aderole for.
The thing is, once a month or so, something from the affair gets stuck in my brain and i can't get it out. Could be one of the many pieces of this insane puzzle that continue to plague me. The EA portion, the pursuit, the final decision, the graphic parts, the lies, the deception, the choice to go underground, her choosing him over me, my self esteem, my sexual confidence, the TTing, the whys,.the how's...is always something..
Generally, the variouse thoughts hit me throughout the day, but I don't linger on them. I push them away and they usually go right out. But once a month or so, it sticks. And it sticks bad! Can't pry it out with a crowbar. And it cripples me. Can barely get out of bed.
WW is absolutely fantasticly supportive. But i don't relish the notion of being a burden, of being a painful reminder of her betrayal. Don't get me wrong, she did what she did. That's on her. But I don't enjoy her seeing me feeble and weak. I guess i worry she'll second guess her decision to R.
I don't know. Sometimes i feel crazy and just tired of it all. Tired of the work. Tired of the pain. Tired of seeing the look of fear in my wifes eyes. The sadness. The regret and remorse. Tired of my kids not knowing what dad is like today.
And most of all, the fear that this is all for naught and will happen all over again.
Yeah, today is one of those days. And it sucks.