Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: jdubb80 (44703)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Darn it, I still love him.
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This Memorial Day weekend is Dipshit's holiday with the kids. He took them to his parents' retirement/moving celebration. To make a very long story shorter, circumstances made it so I met him in a town two hours away to pickup DD17. Not a problem. I like having the one on one time with her.

Here's the problem. I was to pick her up at the restaurant they would all be having dinner at. I arrive at the appointed time, but they had just arrived. I had planned on just getting DD, hugging the DSs and leaving. Since DD hadn't eaten, I'm asked to join them for dinner. My relationship with the STBXILs is pretty good, all things considered.

But spending time with Dipshit, really hurt. He was always a really nice guy, and I know he's been working on himself with IC and GC. But I cannot ever trust my heart to him again. He's still lazy and selfish in big things. But, damn it! Why is my heart taking so long to let go?

On the plus side, while driving the two hours, I realized that I'm starting to enjoy life again. I want to continue living, and not just for my kids. (yes I'm medicated and under Dr's care) This is a really big step for me in the Depression area. Too bad my idiot heart didn't get the memo. Guess I'm really living my tagline today.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1647 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gemini. Honestly if you could say. You analyzed the situation and determined the most logical thing was to no long love H so u don;t , then my friend you would be a cold hearted person and probably wouldn;t need this website.

You still ache because you have years of history. Many joys, tears and memories. Won;t there always be a part that will love him? I think you said it clearly, you know the right path for you and are walking it. I think you are doing amazing. You love because you are human. The same heart that made you the amazing person you are just needs a little more time to heal than your head does...and that;s ok.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
badmedicine
♀ Member
Member # 41692
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just another voice to say I think you are doing really well. You have moved forward, you decided to D, and you have a plan with your family. Our Ddays are very close and I'm nowhere near as resolved as you are and my marriage is shorter and childless. I can't imagine how it would feel to detach and then have to see him again, over and over. And seeing WH's progress is sooo painful for me, too, because it gives me hope. Hope is dangerous because, when mixed with love, it makes you do things and accept things that aren't ok. Keep on going. Feeling like you want to be here is a good thing, and I have to believe it will get even better as more time passes. Keep focusing on yourself, your healing, and your kids and be forgiving of yourself and your feelings. Just let them out safely, with IC or at home. Repressing or ignoring them is what causes problems.


"The wishbone will never replace the backbone." -Will Henry
"This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it." -Dorothy Parker

Posts: 204 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Hugs)))

I'm sorry. I hate that you were put in that position. I have the same issue regarding not being able to just turn that love off.

It sucks, basically.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
bigskyblues
♂ Member
Member # 36759
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have gotten to the point where I can function when the ex is around. I reached a point where I knew she was broken and there is absolutely nothing I can do to help. I do not feel sorry for her, but I do feel sad for her as I suspect she will never be able to have a real relationship again.

BSB


BH 50s
xWW 50s

Dday1 7-2012
Dday2 8-2012
Divorce 9-2012

4 kids all adults.

Married 22+ years.

I have moved on and life is good!


Posts: 191 | Registered: Sep 2012
one2ndchance
♀ Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 1:38 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cannot ever trust my heart to him again. He's still lazy and selfish in big things.

Glad you realize this.^^^

We often confuse loving someone with loving being with someone.


Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorcing

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support everyone. It helps to know that I'm not alone and it just takes time. Sometimes I forget that it's still less than a year since D-Day, because so much has changed. I feel like I've lived through at least a couple years worth of drama since then.

I guess the best thing is to be as NC as I can. I can't imagine how some couples manage to stay friends. It's not that I hate Dipshit STBX. It's that seeing him tends to draw me back in. 20 years as a couple is a lot of habit to undo.

In retrospect, I should have expected this exchange to be difficult. Next week starts our "Birthaversary" week. Dipshit's B-day, then our 19th wedding anniversary, followed by my B-day. Guess I better stock up on therapeutic ice cream and make sure I keep busy.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1647 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you are giving yourself a break. It's totally normal to still love someone that is absolutely no good for you.. What's not normal is to allow that person back in your life knowing how bad they are for you. Especially when you realize how good you are doing without him and are starting to enjoy life again..

I would remember too that he got a major head start on the "detachment" aspect. On D-Day, he had already been detaching from you for quite a while, right? But you were not detaching from him at that point and may have even been trying to get closer to him to "fix" whatever problems you might have suspected were going on (that's what was happening to me). So while it might seem that he is so easily moving on, just remember that he got more time to deal with his emotions than you have had. It's really all so unfair in so many ways..

Sending hugs..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2101 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gemini71 you have given me so much support that I hope I can return the favor.
Of course a big part of you still loves him. You are only a year out. He is the father of your children. His better behavior was being displayed (parents around)...a reminder of the man you fell in love with. And most importantly, your love was genuine and unconditional.
It's going to take a lot longer than just a year to be fully passed all this! You and I joined around the same time. We are both going to get healed.
(((Gemini71)))


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2213 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the plus side, while driving the two hours, I realized that I'm starting to enjoy life again. I want to continue living, and not just for my kids.

That's HUGE! Discovering you were married to a cheating fuckwit was the lowest point in your life. Like it says in my tagline: The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!

And you're on the road to fucking fabulouser!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1828 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to say sorry and (((hugs))).


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 885 | Registered: Dec 2013
AlwaysBeenStrong
♀ Member
Member # 39888
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just like Still, you have given me great advice, so here's mine.

It's ok to go through all the feelings you are going through, you will go through many ups and downs. With my experience, I had loved the man I married, not this person who still walks this planet. The man I married would have never done what this stranger has done and continues to do. The man I married no longer exists and will never return.

It does get easier with time, it does I swear!
((((GEM)))))


BW: 41 (me)
Divorced soon.
Moving forward.
Pre Nursing Student
Getting a Do over at 42

Posts: 125 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Lonelyville
Vulcanized
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gemini, it's ok to still love him. You know that he is unsafe for you, so it's not like you'll walk backwards down that road.

It often takes the heart far too long to catch up to the brain. Less than a year isn't that long to let it go. My DD was almost 5 years ago & I still think I "love" XH.

Maybe we will always "love" our Xs. But, there is a huge difference between having the love and going back to a shitty situation.

You know what you need to do and are going in that direction. In time, your heart will catch up to your head.

And it true that the more time passes, the easier it gets.

(((Gemini)))


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 738 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
reallystruggling
♀ Member
Member # 23471
Default  Posted: 2:34 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i was surprised to wake up one day and realize i just didnt love him anymore. after more than 25 years of loving him - even loving him through multiple DDays, his remarriage(!) and total craziness - one day i just didnt. it was a subtle change, so subtle i didnt even realize that it was happening. then one day i tried to summon up that familiar love, that familiar pang, and it simply wasnt there. the ghost was gone. and damn that was one fine day. i thought i would love him forever. i thought that because i loved him even after all he did that i must love him unconditionally and for eternity. but he strangled and starved it to death and i am so glad that love died.


me- BS (40 something)
him- remarried and already a WS again
3 amazing kids
multiple D Days over 20 years
Divorced 2010

Posts: 274 | Registered: Apr 2009
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it was a subtle change, so subtle i didnt even realize that it was happening. then one day i tried to summon up that familiar love, that familiar pang, and it simply wasnt there. the ghost was gone. and damn that was one fine day.

Sigh! That sounds absolutely lovely. Can't wait for that day to come!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1828 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
reallystruggling
♀ Member
Member # 23471
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i hope this day will come soon for you (and for all BS who choose to save themselves and their children by D). it doesn't mean the pain is gone. just the love.

i received plenty of 2x4s from friends here and friends IRL when i admitted that i loved him (long after D) because there was no reason in hell i should have. yet i did. and then one day, i didn't.


me- BS (40 something)
him- remarried and already a WS again
3 amazing kids
multiple D Days over 20 years
Divorced 2010

Posts: 274 | Registered: Apr 2009
Topic Posts: 16

Return to Forum: Divorce/Separation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.