Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.
I am SO sorry you found yourself here. This is a club that you never wanted to belong to but will be glad you are because you will be able to have a "go-to" place to get advice, blow off steam, learn about this horrible situation you are in now and be part of a whole group of people that understand the pain, rollercoaster and the unfairness of this mess.
Fourth down on the left is the Healing Library. Read all you can there. It will educate you and make you feel better. There are a lot of good people that will be along after me to give you good advice and information.
Keep your chin up. Drink fluids, eat good food and get sleep. You and your kids will need that.
We all have come here never EVER expecting or seeing the level of mass destruction to our lives from the very person that held our most basic trust. He is your WS (wayward spouse). Is he remorseful? Is he blaming you for everything? Is he willing to work on himself to discover why he did this? These are all important now so you know which direction you are headed: divorce or reconciliation. Is he willing to go NC (no contact) with her. Is he willing to be transparent - ie no secret email accounts, phones etc. Is he willing to go to marriage counseling?
This is hurricane on your life. Break it down in baby bites to be able to swallow it.
This maybe hard to hear but GO get yourself a FULL STD panel done to see if he gave you anything.
Keep posting here. This place is WONDERFUL because 24/7 365 days a year whenever you NEED help people ALL over the world are here to help you. These people care and will give you the truth whether you want it or not and will help you work things out you may not be willing to work on.
47 is the new year of treating myself better than I have in 6 years.
What ever doesn't kill me makes me stronger so long as I remember that
My favorite drink is no longer Guinness but water. Call me Dasani23
Enough practical advice...I am so so sorry that you have found yourself here. This is definitely a community where people from all different backgrounds, experiences, and plans (with their WS's) come to share their wisdom and seek wisdom. You have come to the barracks in the midst of the internal war you will be facing. Use it often.
He has stopped seeing the other woman, and swears he will never see her again and that it meant nothing.
Neecee, please stop telling your teenage children your intensely private marital business. Hey, I know you're pissed off as hell at him. I GET it. But they don't need the burden of knowing their father was cheating on you. When I separated from my son's father, I simply told him that dad and I could no longer live together. Period. There was no need to share intensely intimate marital information with him because it wasn't fair to visit that type of heavy stuff on a child and it wasn't his business. I also didn't want his opinion of his dad irreparably damaged forever. And I did that not for his dad's sake, but for my son's sake. Please look at the bigger picture and consider how this is affecting your kids in the long run.
I'm really sorry to hear that he's brought nothing positive to the table for a long, long time. Drug addiction which wiped you out financially, angry, insecure, jealous outbursts dominating your family life, and the list goes on. And now this.
I guess at this point, you need to weigh whether he's more of an asset or a liability to you and the family.
From what you've written, he doesn't sound remorseful at all. It just sounds like he has nowhere else to go so he's doing whatever he can to worm his way back into your good graces.
Someone with no remorse for what he's done doesn't 'get' the gravity of his behavior and how it's affected everyone. He just knows he has to jump around like a trained seal to get back into your good graces. But without remorse, you can't truly reconcile.
Good luck to you.
Am I missing something? Where do you gather..from the above statement...that she's sharing intensely personal info with her kids?
Now, you need to start to take some action. Get into individual therapy and if at all possible insist that he get's into individual therapy. It sounds like he needs it (but of course anyone crazy enough to have an affair obviously needs it!). Get into marriage counselling on top. And start talking and listening. You are in the very early stages of this and I feel for you. You've got some dark days ahead. Look after yourself however you can. You've got to bear your children's pain and your own and most probably (and most unfairly) sometime's your husband's. Try and hand that one right back to him and let him deal with the kids acting out.
Also, go see a lawyer. At least you will know where you stand though I can tell you that the infidelity itself won't matter much legally.
I would have also sworn on my children's lives that my husband wouldn't ever do this to me so lesson learned. You are in all probability still in shock and it will take some time for that to wear off. I swear it took me months. Keep posting here and let us know how you are getting on.
Whatever doesn't kill you...doesn't kill you.
How did your children find out??? My 11 yr old recently asked me what happened that caused mommy and daddy to live apart. I felt that she was still too young to understand what her mother did so I simply told her that she was too young to understand. But someday when she is old enough and wants this information I believe that she has the right to know.
Take care Neecee, time doesn't completely heal all wounds but it does get a lot better.
About 1/3 in she said:
"Our lives will never be the same. My teenagers know what he did, but my littlest does not."
Neecee, please stop telling your teenage children your intensely private marital business. Hey, I know you're pissed off as hell at him. I GET it. But they don't need the burden of knowing their father was cheating on you.
I don't see anything posted that she "shared intensely private marital business" details with any of her children. That being said, teenagers AREN'T stupid and to lie or fluff up the reason "Daddy" doesn't live here anymore is more then likely going to cause further issues then sitting down and talking to your children honestly. They ARE a part of the marriage and while they don't need to be used as leverage or sounding boards, they do deserve and need to know what's going on, in my opinion...
Keep posting. You'll have a lot of great support here. Make sure you read the articles in the healing library (found in the yellow box on the left of the page). My heart goes out to you!! Many thoughts of strength for you as well!!
[This message edited by neecee at 9:24 PM, May 26th (Monday)]
I'm glad that your husband is in IC and is a grovelling wreck. He bloody well should be!! Have you considered IC for yourself? At some point the anger will wear off, or at least alternate, with a shit load of pain. That's the really fun part! It helps to have some professional support during those dark times. You were smart to tell him to move out for a year--I kicked my husband out for six weeks but the youngest child was acting out so badly that I allowed him back into the guest room.
Good luck and keep us posted.