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Newest Member: Gladiator5 (45339)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: If I want to R
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I want to R, what should I be doing as a BH? My WW hasn't demonstrated Remorse or anything yet as I am sure you read my threads. I am just curious to what I should be doing or what a FWS thinks I should do.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If your WS is unremorseful, and you want to R, you have to choose between

1) suffering while your WS eats cake,
2) do the 180 now and possibly (well, probably) D later, and
3) D now and do the self-reclamation part of the 180 later (or stay in Victim, or...).

Son, I know that's a difficult message to hear, but I'd bet a lot that that's it - no other realistic choices.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:14 AM, May 26th (Monday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10352 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMHO, R involves you working on you, your WS working on herself and both of you working on the marriage. I personally would find it very difficult to R with an unremorseful spouse, but obviously R and marriage are deeply personal issues, and each to their own.

So, if I were to give my opinion on what you should be doing, my advice would be to work on yourself. Spend some time working on FOO issues (we all seem to have them!) become stronger as an individual, read up on any issues you may have identified in yourself that need working on. And then, with your wife, work on your marriage. Communicate your needs and desires for your marriage. Perhaps read some books together. I know you are already in MC.

{LostSamurai}


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1022 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 3

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