The next thing is to keep all of the evidence you have found in a safe place. My husband deleted a lot of what I found out. Keep the evidence safe.
It's a roller coaster ride. But this site has a lot of wisdom and a lot of truly caring people who know exactly how you feel.
thinking of you- hugs
Can you get in to a counselor to talk about this? How about any friends you can confide in? Even if they're far away a phone call or something to help ease the pain?
If you need to cry today, cry today - don't suppress what you're feeling. I am so sorry, I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. There is a tab to the side with the healing library - it has articles and other information in there that will help you. Please post anything you need to, it has been very helpful for me to process what I've gone through as well (at times challenging too, keep in mind you will get differing opinions, etc especially online so be kind to yourself first and foremost).
Drink plenty of water. Try to sleep. Remember to breathe.
You will have days you do not think you can go on or fight. But you have to. You will have the power in you like you will never know where it comes from at times but it is there.
Cheaters are such scum....
Please trust those of us who have been down this road, that it will not always feel this painful----time will help.
Sending you strength.
Sending you lots of healing vibes. He definitely needs the 180 and be tough about it. Maybe it will scare him straight....just dont give in anytime he acts like he's sorry until you know the truth and can verify.
Your only obligation is to Take Care Of Yourself! Nothing else. Breathe. Remember to stay hydrated and eat what you can. If you can't eat because you're throwing up too much, get some Ensure or other whole nutrition liquids and sip it when you can. Start reading here. Look at The Healing Library in the yellow box in the upper left corner. Read all of the 1st pages of the posts with red "targets" on the first 3 pages of this forum. Reach out. Reach out for help IRL (in real life) and here. We are all here for you.
Know this. You WILL be better. You WILL be happy again. You WILL heal from this. With or without him, you WILL do this. It takes time. And that time is likely to hurt a lot. But you will be OK. Wake up every day and say this "I will be OK." Because you will.
(((hugs))) Come back here often for support. We are all here for you.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
You said alot of things today,,yes, I was unhappy down here but I stayed by you because in the end you were trying to do good for OUR family!! I was working on us these past few months and looking like an ass now that I know what has transpired. WHAT A FOOL I HAVE BEEN!! I wish you would have told me no, not into it,etc,,but what you did was a crock of shit!!! you played me and led me to believe things are fine,,but they are not. it was about you and always has been ,,I have followed you everywhere,,put up with your drinking, righteousness and morals and in the end you have turned out to be what you loathe. I thought we were getting healhty for each other, to be together for grand kids,and be ready for the next half of our lives,,little did I know you wanted only 1/2,,your half to continue on. False, misleadings from you about being together for 50+ years,,you are such a liar and cheat!! Again,,my being the fool and listening,following you and your lead..
We will do what we have to to get things in order and move on ,which you had already done quite a while ago..I want this to be civil and fair and only involve the two of us even tho the two of you made my life decisions and our family by being selfish and unable to control yourselves except for your own self satisfaction. I hope her kids know what you both are too!! LIES LIES LIES!!
In 33 years I have not once stepped outside our marriage and I probably had good reason to at times,,but NEVER EVER did I!! You on the other hand,want roses and pearls,,have at it..,you say this is the first and I find that hard to believe after a couple of incidents that I know of.
you need to be tested because I don't trust either one of you!! I don't care what you say do it!! Cheaters cheat and lie and you deserve each other. Which that totally now disgusts me that after being with her you were with me,,you make me sick to my stomach but she on the hand doesn't care I'm sure because she knew you were married and continued this affair.
I know you said you cant explain the feeling of how she makes you feel,,she is smart,on your same level,interests,,go make a nice life together on a deserted fucking island and sip pina colodas all day and you can stare and fuck each others brains out!! sorry,,I stooped to WT level,,the girl that I am and have been for 33 YEARS!! Now it bothers you and you need something else..go for it hot shot,,I helped you get where you are today and your family,,not HER,,US!!! The moving, the whinning,the drinking,,and on and on ....But you have HER now,,so full of grace
I really want you to understand how much you have hurt me from the depths of my soul...I don't and didn't deserve this but I will persevere and move on with peace and happiness someday
You can come by the house for clothes,vitamins ,etc til we get everything in order, since we have very different schedules, which will be awhile I'm sure but right now, to see you , you make me very sad ..I don't want to see you. I don't deserve to be sad, I don't deserve what you did, being a coward and unable to tell me ...low and deceitful both of you..I am sorry I have kept you from your bliss all these years. I hope someday you will find your true happiness.
In the early days it is a struggle just to stay upright and get through the day. That's perfectly normal. Don't make any rash decisions about your future...nourish yourself. Drink water, sleep. Attend to the basics.
Read the healing library. Read here, post often. We are all here for you
You are right on about standing up for yourself and not for one minute letting him think any of his behavior and actions are your fault. However, as I've learned, no matter what you want to say or point out, it is going to be useless on him. He's in his own fantasy world while he left you behind in the reality of life. Let him go about his fantasy. He's no longer your concern. Don't worry about when or if he's going to get his things. He's a grown man. He'll figure it out. Now is the time to focus on YOU and your healing. It is going be a rough road, but you are going to be able to do it! Take one minute at a time. Keep yourself hydrated and try your best to put food in you.
We are all here for you. Keep posting. Many hugs and thoughts of strength for you!!
You are still in shock. Keep writing your letters and post them HERE. Not to anyone else. Keep your information close to your heart and don't tell him anything.
You need to find your way out of the shock before you can make any decision. If you need to be away from him for now, that's OK.
Think twice before telling your family right now. Remember, whatever comes out now while you are raw and hurting, can never be taken away from those you tell.
I am only 5 months into this, so I am not one of the pros here, but I can tell you that my experience in the last 5 months has been, to re-act. And then to absorb. Re-act. Absorb. It sucks, but I wish for you the strength to do what will help you heal. I'm so sorry you are here.
In the meantime, get some individual counseling for yourself. You might start looking for a job near your family. Ultimately, I started healing when we moved away...you might find that helpful too. Especially with your support system.
In telling your adult children, don't sugar coat it. Tell them he has had an affair. Out it into the light. Do not try to keep bridges built for him (as their father) let him deal with his own damage control.
Rest, eat, drink and try to sleep. Expect your emotions to be all over the place through this. I imagine his will be too. Watch out for that, he can try to convince you he want's to stay only to change his mine shortly afterwards. It is a roller coaster and not a fun one at that.
Hugs being sent to you.
Sorry you are going thru this. Just know that right now is the most painful time and it will not get any worse. I just went thru this myself March 10th. You will get good advise here from the others with more experience. I would write the letters but not send them. Always give yourself 24 hours before doing something as far as sending. See if you still want to send it at that point. I wrote several but did not send them all out. You are in the shock phase of this it sounds like. I have been there and I do feel much better now. It will get better. It won't be perfect but you will feel better as some time passes. As the others have said, don't make any permanent decisions right now. You really don't need to. Just keep the evidence as they suggested. I did that as well. We are heading into R and trying to rebuild the trust which will not happen over night. This will get better for you, please stay strong.
"What you feel only matters to you, what matters is what you do to those you claim to love"