sending strength and hope to you during this 'worst of times'..
..33 years!!!.. is so many years to be fooled.. too many years!!!
Let us know what his response was.....
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
Don't send that letter, keep writing it and posting here as it is therapeutic. If you send it it will come across to your WH as weakness.Realize your WH is not the man you were married to, he is some other creature that you never new existed. Also it is important to understand this is not your fault, you did not cause this, you can not fix this (only your WH can). I was married for over 22 years and was 51 when I got divorced and my life is wonderful now. If this winds up being a deal breaker and your marriage ends there is a better life out there for you and you can find it.
Also your WH is in a fantasy land and you can not reason him out of it (another reason not to send the letter). If you want to try to R then he needs to get out of the fantasy. You have been advised of the 180, it is critical to follow that.
Follow through with your plan to meet with your children to let them know. Get to an attorney ASAP (not a word to your WH) find out all your options and file for divorce. If that doesn't bring him out of his fantasy nothing will, if he does wake up and prove he truly wants to R then you can always put the D on hold.
I didn't find SI until it was too late, and I tried to be nice. For normal people your first instinct is to be nice, play fair, and try to woo the wayward back. That will only get you more pain. You need to think only of whats best for you, do not worry about him he made his mess and he can wallow in it. As the BW on this site say "it is time to put your bitch boots on!" It is the only thing he will respect and the only chance you have to protect yourself and possibly break his fantasy.
4 kids all adults.
Married 22+ years.
I have moved on and life is good!
It was all I could do the first few weeks after Dday, was just breath. I just try to breath through the intense waves of pain that washed over me, that literally brought me to the floor. I was devastated.
I took a lot of hot baths and drank a lot of hot tea. I called my family and cried. I saw an attorney to find out my rights and get advice. My thinking was not clear so I sought good advice.
I wrote letters to him and the other woman that I did not send. I screamed in my car. I started therapy to learn how to move through this. Posted messages on here and read the Healing Library.
As time went on, I started the 180. He kicked me out of the house when I confronted him and I moved to the vacation home. I blocked his emails and ended up changing my cell phone number to avoid his text messages. I stopped calling him, stopped all contact with him. Someone once told me no contact = no new pain, and I found that was true for me.
I joined support groups and sat in a room full of people who's marriages were shattered by affairs. It seems that I met so many people that have walked through this.
You will find a reserve of strength that you never knew you had.
Be truthful with your adult children. Do not take responsibility for his affair, it had nothing to do with you.
Many of us here have found out in our late 40's and 50's.
You will make it. You will survive and thrive.
See an attorney ASAP! In my state since you (like me) are in a long term marriage, half of all assets and debt is yours. It's basically a business and split down the middle. So that may set your mind at ease if it is similar in your state.
Practice the 180, breathe, and stay calm. You have many years ahead of you.
I too was 51, M 25 years, living in a State with no family, when I learned of my WH disgusting A. I, however, did hate my WH...with ever fiber of my being...and made that quite clear to him. It was the most devastating experience of my entire life.
I am 3 1/2 years out and am in a much better place. Yes, my M survived this nightmare but it was a long, difficult, journey.
I am not saying that this will work for you but here is what I did:
1) On dday I told him to go and live with MOW. He never left.
2) Never once did I beg. I always believed, during our entire M, that he was lucky to have me...because he was/is.
3) I agreed to give him a 2nd chance but I immediately started to plan for the worse, D.
4) Within days I contacted more than one attorney and asked many questions. Learned my rights, what to expect, actions to take.
5) Within 10 days I had set up IC for each of us.
6) Purchased a VAR (voice activated recorder) and secretly taped our conversations getting him to admit and offer up details of the A. Attorney informed me that in my State this info was admissible.
7) Started to pull together financial documentation, legal documents, and proof of the A. Wrote everything down so that when he engaged in TT (trickle truth) I could show him proof of his lies.
8) I was mad as hell and was never afraid of showing that. Nothing silenced me.
9) Never lived in fear of him leaving. I did and said whatever I wanted (no brain to mouth editing for me). Asked anything and everything. Drilled him day and night.
10) I expected a lot. I received a lot. I was always fair...letting him know, sometimes daily, that if he did not like it he could get the f&*k out.
You are in a terrible place right now but please know, you will survive ~ with or without him.
Wishing you strength. (((melzee + adult children)))
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
The 180 is outlined in a post entitled 'Understanding the 180' on page 2 of the Just Found Out thread. There is also a lot of helpful information to be found in the Healing Library ( click on the link above Dr Phil's head.)
We all know how devastating this is. Try to take care of yourself.
Hit send on that email. It's a very well-written message for JFO and your WH needs to see what you think of him as a long-term husband.
Let us know what his response was.....
I have to agree with Gonnabe on this.
Don't be silenced at this point. Your voice was silenced by their deception. You deserve to be heard and he deserves to see the devastation he has caused. There is no reason he shouldn't know the gravity of what he has done BUT have no expectations of a certain kind of response. What he does with this information, will tell you volumes and help you decide what steps to take next.
It' will be important that once you send this, you shut off ways for him to hurt you further. After you send the email, start the 180, and only allow him contact on your terms.
Based on the letter you wrote, you addressed some serious issues that have plagued your marriage...yet you still chose faithfulness. This matters.
Make sure that the IC (and should you also choose an MC) is experienced in handling infidelity.
I get the feeling you are open to reconciliation, but it's still early on.
The most important thing is not to sweep any of these issues under the rug. Address them and hit them head on.
After all that has happened you will need time to heal and to really take care of yourself. This whirlwind of emotion you feel, can last a while, and it's exhausting.
It's ok if things feel completely out of control. Just take this one step at a time, eat, sleep and breathe.
You don't have to make any decisions right this second. You have time, and take as much as you want and need.
[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 3:08 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]
You may have a chance of your WH agreeing to make sure you are protected legally and financially in a post - nup if he is a sobbing mess and his remorse isn't an act..
If you go ahead and make a financial/legal settlement a condition of R you will find out very quickly where your WH's true motivations lie before you waste time in a false R ...Anybody can sob, cry and make remorse an act, especially if he or she doesn't want to lose home, hearth, the comfortable livelihood of a marriage..
BTW I decided not to R, my WH was unremorseful...We are separated in house, separate finances..I don't have to worry about WH's schedule conflicting with mine, his laundry, meals,etc, but I know I need to file ASAP..
Of course I came out of post nup discussion realizing that my WH only wanted the rights, comforts and benefits of being married..
Keeping ME as his wife/ mate wasn't so important...He was unwilling to go thru the work and hardship in making sure I was secure and protected, should he be caught cheating again..KWIM?
[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:07 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]
Your entire life has been turned upside-down and it cannot be righted just by his declaration that he wants to come home. He has to do the work. HE HAS TO FIND A COUNSELOR. HE has to prove to you that home is where HE wants to be.
How does he do that? HIS ACTIONS. You are right this minute trying to make it better. You found a counselor. You are rationalizing, you are making things nice for him to want to stay. All totally normal things. But sometimes we need some boots with a little bitch in them.
He needs to honestly answer your questions. All those questions that are going through your head on your commute.
He needs to be accountable for his time and have total transparency with his electronics. He hid an affair, he doesn't get privacy.
NC with the AP! None. This is non-negotiable. They aren't 'friends', your marriage should come before anyone else.
He needs his own IC. How did he feel it was OK to run a wrecking ball through your life? How did he justify that to himself? - he has a lot of soul searching to do.
((hugs))Be good to you. Be gentle with you.
he admits he feels bad what he did to her and us and is wondering is she is ok?
I very strongly suggest that you make it a condition of R that he join this site & start posting in the Wayward forum.
I wish I had absolutely insisted that my WH did this.
He is not the first WH who had trouble giving up the OW. You are understandably livid. His #1 & only priority should be your healing right now.