so he admits he feels bad what he did to her and us and is wondering is she is ok?
Those feelings are going to be there for some time as he detaches from his relationship with her. Which obviously we don't want to hear how he is tormented. My fWH did more damage in the months after his A than with the actual A as I watched him remain loyal to his two "woman". It has left a lot of resentment. Really? You want me? But are concerned about them and will apologize to them? Sorry...no f&*()ing way! Do not stand for this. He chose you. So there is just you and him. No room for him to bring up his concerns for her. If he needs to vent those feelings, tell him to do it with an IC. Stop twisting the knife in your back.
I disagree with Devasted30. You can discuss his feelings later when you have healed more and it doesn't destroy you to hear his torment. When he realizes that he is being a dumbass and sees the AP in a different light out of his fog. It will do you no good to know about how "in love" he feels for her and worried about her. Do discuss his reasons why. Do discuss what happened. Read "After the Affair". They strongly suggest the WS to NOT share those particular feelings. It will only result in you being alienated more.
If the AP knows he is married. Sorry, I don't agree with feeling bad that the AP was lied to too. They went willing into an A with a taken man. There are no lies there. Just dumb naive women. So don't feel bad for a woman that knowingly got involved with a married man. Do feel pity for their broken souls though.
[This message edited by hopefulmother at 11:03 AM, May 29th (Thursday)]
The books do help--I thought the Shirley Glass book was really good and have your husband read them. It's early days. Be kind to yourself.
For now though, triage for you. Are you sleeping and eating? Be sure to drink plenty of water. A lot of betrayed spouses have become ill in the weeks after DDay because we are engulfed in pain and eating & sleeping are non-existent. I ended up in the doctor's office twice and in the emergency room. It was not pretty.
Not to scare you, but not all counselors are good in dealing with infidelity. And reconciliation is HARD work that takes YEARS. Is your husband up for that?
(his headache behind his eye was probably from all that crying he did)
My MC at first session told WH that he would have to talk about any feelings of loss or sadness with or about OP with his own IC/psych alone. That he should not bring that into my/our healing MC sessions. I think it would explode your brain to have to sit there and hear him talk about what he is currently feeling for her, that he is thinking about her hurts. NOOOO She should have never been in his life to begin with and has to be cut out completely. As if she never existed.
But if you can withstand some, it may bring you closer together and may bring a sense of being together against this. Just not right now, you are too raw and your hurts should be the focus.
As for what to ask about for you.....I think you have an opportunity here to ask whatever you can and probably get answers. I think this window of opportunity may close as your WH gets his act together and goes into protection mode. So...
for me I would ask everything. I would want to know everything so I would feel like I could make my decision about what I wanted. I would not want to be be frustrated later when I realize I wanted information but he had moved past the disclosure stage and was wanting only to move forward.
I think that most on the WS forum are remorseful. So your WH posting there would get responses about how to be on a healing road. If he is amenable you should encourage that. It also would not hurt him to read some of the pain in the just found out and other boards.
Keep posting here, it helps so much.
And congrats on the weight loss! Keep being kind to yourself, you are worth it.
You have to decide if you need a safe place of your own.
I'm sure in your relationship you've done a lot for your husband. It sounds like you are a woman who takes care of things. You probably make things really comfortable for him. And you are doing it now to a degree. You are making counseling appointments. You are researching how to 'fix' this. You are ordering books (probably for you and him).
What is he doing? What is he researching and finding out ON HIS OWN as ways to repair your marriage?
Give him these 4 requirements right now, and sit back and see how he responds. (And in the meantime, you get yourself to a doctor for an STD check, and make an appt with a lawyer for yourself to find out what your rights are in the event of a divorce).
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of this. Please make sure you're taking the time and energy to take care of YOU! I found the best thing for me during my dark times were to take long walks. You will make it through this. Exercise is a wonderful way to deal with anxiety.
[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 12:03 PM, May 29th (Thursday)]
[This message edited by Ginny at 1:36 PM, May 29th (Thursday)]
If you still love him and he loves you, AND he is giving his AP up 100%, then by all means, give your marriage a chance. There will be many bumps along the way as details unfold and facts come to the surface. But hang in there! And come here - always know you can come here - for the comfort, support , and encouragement you need.
As many have said before me, this is a "club" no one would choose to be a member of. But, now that you are here, take comfort in the words of those who have come before you to this place.
The same newlywed feeling was missing for you too. Why didn't you go out and find some hot stud?
You can own your half of any marital problems, but that isn't why he cheated. You were both in the same marriage and you didn't cheat.
It is disheartening to see how blame is laid on the marriage or even on the betrayed spouse. It isn't fair. You did nothing wrong.
ETA: I don't like the term "giving in". He gave into what? A constant battering of OW wanting him? What he did was seek out a relationship with someone else at the potential expense of his marriage and the life he created with you. "gave in" makes it sound like he slipped up on his diet.
[This message edited by brokenblackbird at 1:23 PM, May 29th (Thursday)]
Its the hardest thing I have ever done. The pain is worse than my second trimester miscarriage.
I don't mean to give you advice because I don't have any answers. I just wanted you to know we hear you. You are not alone.
Eat, drink water, rest. Take care of YOU! Reach out to others that can help you.
I won't be posting for awhile, because I just found out about a family emergency and we are leaving in an hour. I WILL be thinking of you and sending you my best while I am gone.