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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Hesitant to make the huge divorce step
Xanaxvictim
♀ New Member
Member # 41815
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have decided we are getting divorced.

I don't trust him. I believe he won't have an affair sober. But he has no will power when it comes to drugs. Drugs can lead him to another affair.
I don't respect him.

His A made me look back on our marriage and realize how 1sided it was. How do I get past his A, drug use(3rd time lying about drugs), whole year post affair of not truly remorseful and a one sided marriage.

He keeps saying he doesn't know if he can let me go cuz he cares so deeply for me and loves me so much. Well, you don't have much choice.
He also told me he doesn't think I will ever find a man that I think is good enough. I am stubborn and don't like to ask for help. I guess a strong woman intimidates him.

He's not a bad person, he just made bad choices. He has made good changes in the last year. He has become a much better father. And is trying(now) to be less selfish.

I've been saying for 2 months, I want a divorce. I need to just do it. But something holds me back. I think it's the fear of the unknown.

I know I'm happier without him. I'm exercising again, eating better, making home improvements on my own and spending time w our kids. The kids have adjusted to us living apart(he got the boot in Aug). And I don't need him financially. I can't find a reason to stay married to him.

Anyone else have trouble taking that Huge step, even when u know its the right one?


BS(me)34
WH 34
2 kids..6, 4
M: March 2006...dated for 9 yrs. Total 17 yrs together
D-Day: 4/2013
Status: Separated. Not divorced, but not living together

Posts: 12 | Registered: Dec 2013
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was terrified. Still am. I am financially dependent on my WH, middle child in crisis.

I guess the difference here is that I know my WH doesn't want me or our marriage. We were in false R for a brief period. It took me awhile to give u hope. I initially asked for a LS so that I could keep health insurance through his employer. Then found out that our policy doesn't work that way. I told him I was filing for D, he said he wanted a LS, I said no. He has given me no indication he is doing anything except leaving and he is still fully engaged in his A.

I'm not hanging around for that.

My therapist keeps telling me that very soon I will start to see that this is a good thing. Part of me is starting to believe her.

Sending you courage.

[This message edited by nekorb at 10:17 PM, May 26th (Monday)]


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He keeps saying he doesn't know if he can let me go cuz he cares so deeply for me and loves me so much. Well, you don't have much choice
.
Good for you! Not his decision to make!

He also told me he doesn't think I will ever find a man that I think is good enough. I am stubborn and don't like to ask for help. I guess a strong woman intimidates him.

Yeah ... Men hate independent women. And what colour is the sky in his frigging world!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1929 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I'm happier without him

Nuff said. Everything else is not relevant.

I can't find a reason to stay married to him

You shouldn't be looking. He should be desperately showing you with everything in his power.

Anyone else have trouble taking that Huge step, even when u know its the right one?

Absolutely I did. (First M, not current) Best decision I ever made.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2842 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Xanaxvictim
♀ New Member
Member # 41815
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nekorb...courage to u also! Health insurance is the only thing I don't have figured out yet! But I know with time, I will.

Nekorb, Pass and 5454real...thank you for the encouraging words! My friends & family don't understand, so it's good to have SI as a sounding board. I read a lot but don't really post much.
Thank you for your replies!


BS(me)34
WH 34
2 kids..6, 4
M: March 2006...dated for 9 yrs. Total 17 yrs together
D-Day: 4/2013
Status: Separated. Not divorced, but not living together

Posts: 12 | Registered: Dec 2013
idontknowwhy5
♂ Member
Member # 42648
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a lot of trouble with it, and bounced back and forth. In the end I allowed myself to realize that the only reason I tried R in the first case was for my children. That's not much of a foundation to build on. Now I'm just waiting on the paperwork.

People who haven't experienced it can have a hard time understanding the roller coaster you're on now. It's all fine and good to say if X I'll do Y, but when it becomes reality all bets are off.


DDays- too many

Status - In D.


Posts: 90 | Registered: Mar 2014
LearningToFly
♀ Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my therapist that I was ready last week. I waited all weekend to contact a lawyer. Afterwork today I was walking to my car and the usual wave of fear washed over me.

1.Everything will be unknown.
2.I am in my 50s and financially dependent on him. I love my job but it is just part-time with no chance of expanding. I REALLY love this job and don't want to let it go.
3.I spent our whole marriage scrimping and saving while staying home with kids so that we would have a paid for home when we retire. That will be gone.
4.I have ongoing health issues. I won't have insurance.
5.Then,,,,I think about the fact that he is trying (though he is so selfish it doesn't accomplish much). I think that at least he is someone to talk to, to do things with, he isn't a bad person.

Yet, he was completely able to lie to me about his porn use for over half our marriage or more and to carry on an affair for a year and a half with a lot of trouble to let it go after it was revealed. The therapist says it will happen again if I don't open up and become vulnerable. How can I do that when he cares more about having fun and being comfortable than about being an honest and trustworthy person with morals. We have done nothing but fight all day today.

Why am I so scared? Its the unknown and fear that the future will be worst than the present.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
Xanaxvictim
♀ New Member
Member # 41815
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Idontknowwhy5...I feel broken for my kids. I never wanted them to come from a broken home. But It seems that he is a better Dad when he is with the kids alone than when I'm around. So I think long term, my children will benefit in different ways.

Learningtofly...(((hugs)))
I think long term we are all stronger without our WS. It just takes time to build the strength. And sometimes we don't realize how strong we are until we are forced to face our challenges. I hope you are able to find the strength to do what is best for you!


BS(me)34
WH 34
2 kids..6, 4
M: March 2006...dated for 9 yrs. Total 17 yrs together
D-Day: 4/2013
Status: Separated. Not divorced, but not living together

Posts: 12 | Registered: Dec 2013
one2ndchance
♀ Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 1:42 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone else have trouble taking that Huge step, even when u know its the right one?

I feel like I'm in the minority here. I had no difficulty whatsoever filing for divorce after d-day #2.

I felt so totally crushed, so eviscerated, so emotionally demolished after d-day #1 that I swore I would NEVER go through that again. I would never forgive him a second time. I didn't care what it would cost me, I would not remain married to someone who witnessed the excruciating pain he had caused, only to do it again. It's the ultimate slap of disrespect.

I live alone now and am struggling to find a job. I'm in a new city and trying to establish roots and new friends. It's not easy, but I feel at peace. The turmoil, the fear, and the suspicion of living with a cheating husband who is untrustworthy is all gone. I don't care what he does and I don't care who he's with. That feeling of not caring is priceless.

We all have the power to end the pain our cheating spouses cause us. The fear of the unknown means nothing compared to the fear that he'll hurt me again & again & again.....and that I would allow it. No, thanks. I'd rather be on my own than live the rest of my life with a weak, dishonest, selfish cheater.


Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorcing

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
Topic Posts: 9

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