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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Year two drawing to a close
918Mama
♀ Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two years ago this weekend started my journey into the depths of hell I could never have imagined. I called him and he was on the other line with a "friend". There was something in his voice...I just knew it.

He was held over at work that night and I stayed up waiting for him. I was on the couch, half asleep when he walked in the door. At almost five months pregnant, I had a hard time being a night owl. That certainly didn't help our relationship, working completely opposite shifts.

I followed him into our bedroom when he asked me to call his partner for him about a call they'd been working. I took that brief moment to scan his call log and noticed the record of the call with the "friend" was missing.

After he got off the phone, I grilled him about the missing call. His answers ranged from "I don't know" to "maybe it got deleted" to "I was on the other line so maybe it doesn't show in caller Id."

We argued about it for hours before he finally admitted that he deleted the call because they had talked for awhile and he didn't want me to freak out if I saw that in his phone log.

Oh if only it had stopped there!!!

We were supposed to leave for vacation the next day. It didn't happen. Instead I got 48 hours of trickle truth that damn near killed me until I finally intercepted an emergency email from her while he was sleeping, went back and forth with her just long enough to confirm my suspicions and then woke him up with a swift kick to the junk.

I held his phone in my hand, security code already changed by me, and told him I had proof. I asked him how many times and am pretty sure my heart stopped when he said twice.

Oh my god no. No no no. This can't be happening. The rest is a blur. Except for the part where I told him to get out. And then the part where I nearly fell down the stairs as we wrestled for the phone. How in the hell did we get here??

And then came trying to live on Jupiter with no oxygen. I laid on the couch for a week and prayed for God to kill me, and my children, so we didn't have to live in this upside down world. I stared at pictures of our family and prayed for God to let me go back in time and do it all again, only differently this time. I lost my mind, and too much weight and almost lost the baby. And it was still weeks before I found out that wasn't the first betrayal.

That was another week spent on the couch. That was when I decided God must hate me. And that I surely hated Him.

I checked out of everything except caring for my daughter. I stayed up all night long, sleeping only a few hours in the morning and only when sheer exhaustion took over. I have no idea how that little baby boy inside me hung on, but by golly he did!

There's a lot that happened between that first Memorial Day and the one today. But I can tell you this...I survived. Some days we are even thriving around these parts.

This weekend, the hubs and I went away with the kiddos. Everyone got sick except for me! We had to cut the trip short and he spent the entire way home sick as a dog. Seems fitting on this day of all days, eh?

Today marks that two year mark for me. At the beginning, when I heard 2-5 years for recovering, I never thought we would LIVE that long, let alone still be married.

But here we are. And that might be the best part of year two. We are still here.

So, on to year three we (unbelievably) go.


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 585 | Registered: Dec 2012
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for posting. We are also coming up to the end of year 2. Just last night we were talking about how far we have come.

I think it's so important for newbies to the R forum to see firstly, how long it takes to reach some sort of normality, and secondly that no matter how bad things seem it does get better. Your post shows that quite clearly.

Hope Year 3 is a wonderful year for you!


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1022 | Registered: Oct 2012
RomanticInnocenc
♀ Member
Member # 43041
Default  Posted: 1:23 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for posting, as itsaclimb said, for us newbies it helps a lot to read stories that started off in hell and are heading toward something better a couple of years on. When you are in the hell it is so hard to hold on that it might get better! So thanks! :-)


Me: BS 31
WH: 29 (theseseatsRtaken)
DS: getting close to 1
Together 10 years, married 2.
DD1: 8th of Jan 2014
DD2: 10th of Jan 2014
NC: 8th of Jan
In hopeful R!

Posts: 323 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi 918

It is really good to see you posting in the R forum. I know your journey like mine has been full of ups and downs. Like you, we have also entered year three from the last Dday and things are finally starting to feel good. It is amazing the roller coaster of ride this is huh?

You know I am rooting for both of you, and I think you have done an amazing job of healing yourself lately. Hugs.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5068 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Chinadoll30
♀ Member
Member # 43131
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for this. 2 months out, okay, not even 2 months, but I'd like time to speed up, and it is good to read that the future can hold some light.


"We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means 'I survived'." -Chris Cleave

Posts: 300 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Philadelphia
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What an uplifting post! I am into year three too and are thriving at times as well. It is hard to believe sometimes, but I am happy I made the decision to R. Doesn't mean bad times don't sneak up on me they still do. I am just better equip to handle them now.

Best of luck in year three!


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. I know those same feelings far to well. It's a hell I wish no one.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
PinkJeepLady
♀ Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Mama!
I hear you loud and clear about wondering how/if we would make it through 2 years???!!! I too am reflecting on the past 2 years and am wondering, "how in the world.....??" But, we did it! For me it feels like an accomplishment.

It's amazing isn't it that your life can completely change in that one moment. I too heard that weird something in his voice and saw a brief expression on his face, I just knew.

Congratulations for surviving this long!!!! That's awesome in itself. I am wishing you both the very best in the coming year.

Take care!


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks 918Mama....within 2 months of entering year 3 here too!

Oh.....my heart sank as I read how your DD unfolded. Mine unfolded similarly too......evasive, defensive, lying, minimizing....its like waywards go to camp to learn how to do a DD!

You, however, started from a stronger footing. I did NOT kick my wife out. Instead, I decided to choose to do some of the most dreadful, self-defacing actions I could. Ugh! Thankfully I found and owned the difference between being condemned and being convicted!!!!

I, too, wished it had stopped on my first DD. To no avail. EA went to PA while all of our close friends knew about my wifes affair and while we were in MC....second DD cometh. Again, a play right out of so many waywards playbooks.

Nothing unique to the pain or sitches, is there?

I screamed at God too. I begged for him to take me now. The pain was.......well, I still can't describe it. Maybe like an elephant sitting on you while you see your children get taken away from you.....can't breath, powerless, immobile.

First year was traumatically tough. God gets credit for me surviving it. Adultery simply is too strong of a trial for a person to handle on their own. Newbies.....you gotta find relationship freindly, same-sex folks to reach out to. This burden is too heavy to try and "make nice" and do it all on your own.

Second year was better. Still tough, still exhausting....but it was as if I found my legs. Choices. Year 2 I finally started to get that I had choices. I always had them of course, but lacked the courage to make them....my world was without reference (codependent here). Once I found the courage to investigate D and to really be honest with myself....healing kicked in big time.

The process of "shattering" is painful...but oh so healthy.

I have learned pain often = healthy.

I havent spontaneously cried in over a month! Triggers are less strong. Mind movies during sex are like re-runs...hardly distract me really.


I am hopeful for the future.

I am grateful for you, and others on SI for making this abnormal experience make me feel......normal.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:20 PM, May 27th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3971 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
kansas1968
♀ Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have passed year three and things are really good. A few bumps here and there, but mostly good. I am like you. I never thought I could live to month three, let alone year three, but I did, we did, and although the pain is still there it is so, so, much less. It is possible to survive this.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1319 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
918Mama
♀ Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys! Thank you all for the love!!

I have much to say but am currently down for the count. You know the saying, karma's only a bitch if you are??

Well let's just say I shouldn't have taken pleasure in my hubby getting sick!! It's hit me HARD today and I've been completely humbled by the way my man has taken care of me and the kids today.

It reminds me of something our therapist said recently...

"918mama...he could have left. He makes a great living, would absolutely get shared custody and could move on with his life very nicely...might it be that he actually (gasp) loves you??"

I guess I'm learning what love really does look like. So I guess I will keep him.


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 585 | Registered: Dec 2012
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes (gasp) he still loves you! I know my H loves me..I feel it sometimes almost too much...know what I mean? He is GREATFUL for the chance to prove it...he tells me he thanks God every day for not giving up on him...
I agree with all the posters here...I myself am thankful to be here at 18 months out...happy to have a place like SI to come to and see I am not alone on this journey...
thank you all for being here in my time of need...
feel the love and don't be afraid to believe it'


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
Topic Posts: 12

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