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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: lost
devastated1234
♀ New Member
Member # 43550
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I been married for almost 16 years and we have 2 daughters. My husband is the guy that was always completely loyal and faithful. His moral compass was so strong. That it never entered my realm of compression that he would have an affair. We were the couple that everyone envied. It hasn'talways been easy. WEve been through he'll and back. He's been to war. We've lived through miscarriages and infertility. We've had financial hardships. We made it through all of that and came out the other end stronger. We recently moved to a new state because of a promotion. I have been a stay at home mom for the past 6 years. Well we'vebeen here for 6 months. We've made friends. All of the sudden he started distancing himself and I knew something was off. His father recently had some health problems and I think it spurred on a midlife crisis. He's been working out, lost weight. All the typical midlife crisis symptoms. But 2 months ago he came home nd told me he felt horrible that he had bbeen instant messaging a coworker and it was flirtatious in nature. At this point that was my red flag. I told him i wasn't angry. I'm glad he told me and iunderstand that he's flattered that a young girl was attracted to him. He said it stopped. That there was no more communication. Well I believed him. This last Saturday we had a cookout at our home for the people he worked with. We had a good time, but it was late and everyone was leaving. I cleaned up and went to bed. I decided to walk back out and through the patio door I saw W's and the ow slow dancing on the deck. The look in his eyes said it all. I tried not to make too much of it. I waited till the next day to confront him and he broke down and confessed everything. He said the communications never stopped and they had stayed after work a few times to makeout. he said he makes her feel young and she makes him laugh. He said he feels like a pos for hurting me but he has feelings for her. I was in shock. I NEVER dreamed that this would happen to me. I kicked him out and he stayed at a hotel. And it drov me crazy thinking she was there with him. The next morning i called him and He swears she wasn't and I told him to come home so we could talk. He says he doesn'tknow why this happend. I feel a whilerange of eemotions right now. I hate him. I love him. I feel so insecure. I feel betrayed and the pain of it all is overwhelming. I love him so deeply and so fully. My heart is crushed. I feel like he stomped on the last 16 years. He says he wants to stay and work this out. He says he called her and told her it's over. But what I can't get out of my head is that he has feeling for her. What am I suppose to do with that. How am I suppose to move past that. I feel like why am I not enough for him. He said I'vemade the kids my ppriorityfor the past 10 years and he felt neglected. I do everything for him. I have never said no to sex. I cook I clean. I iron his clothes. I pay the bills. I schedulehis aappointments for him. I listen to him talk about whatever he wants work, life, kids etc. I know sometimes it's ground hog day but that life. There are some days that I feel overwhelmed and can'ttake it. But I am not out having an affair.

Posts: 2 | Registered: May 2014 | From: United States
SadieMae
♀ Member
Member # 42986
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you're going thru this. Please read here, get support from others who understand what you're feeling.

It's so hard to get this, but this isn't about you. It's nothing you did or did not do. He's selfish, and trying to cover his ass. You are stronger than you ever knew, and you will discover just how strong that is!

Please take care of yourself.


Me: BW 40
Him: SAWH 40
Together half our lives.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: North Carolina
mof2
♀ Member
Member # 40287
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((devastated)))

It's so hard to get this, but this isn't about you. It's nothing you did or did not do. He's selfish, and trying to cover his ass. You are stronger than you ever knew, and you will discover just how strong that is!

Exactly what Sadie said. Understand that this has nothing to do with you and that your H is in a fog and very selfish right now.

Read the The Healing Library which is full of great tips. It is awful that we have to be on SI but it is a place where you will get some great advice from people who have been through what you are going through and understand your pain.

If your H is wanting to work things out, I suggest that you introduce him to this site and the Wayward Side forum.

Please hang in there and know you are not alone and can come here anytime for advice or just to vent. You will be heard and given some good advice.


BW - Me 43
WH - Cheating Swine 43
Dday - February 12, 2013....a week before I was to give birth to the child I miscarried and 12 days before our 5th anniversary.

Posts: 316 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: DFW
Dawn58
♀ Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((HUGS))

Please do avail yourself to the healing library. I read that over and over again.

We all know the devastation you are feeling. We've all had our trust broken. You are not alone and you are far stronger than you know.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 479 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
devastated1234
♀ New Member
Member # 43550
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for all the misspelled words. I'm having a hard time thinking straight. I'm doing all the reading I can. I'm just blinded by the pain and anger. A million different emotions and thoughts are running through my head. He says he's deeply sorry and that this is the biggest mistake of his life. I want to work through this. I can't throw away 16 years for a mistake. I guess I'm asking what was anyone's experience with taking the first step in healing. It seems impossible right now. I know in my rational mind that it can be done, but my irrational mind is taking over.

Posts: 2 | Registered: May 2014 | From: United States
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As much as you may not want to hear it, you'll need to schedule yourself for a full STD screening with your doctor.

I know you want to believe your husband that they 'just made out' and didn't have sex, but the truth is that 99.9998% of cheaters make this claim and 99.9998% of the time it's a lie.

And I know how you feel. We women are expected to do twice the heavy lifting in a marriage and it's still never good enough for most of them. We're supposed to feed their egos and spend all our time gazing at them with puppy dog eyes or dressing up like Victoria Secret models and rocking their world. Then when they've had their fill we have to go right back to cooking, cleaning, child rearing, laundry, food shopping and for a lot of us, a 40 hour a week job on top of it. Sometimes it's just a really thankless job - especially when you end up getting kicked in the head for all your trouble. Been there, done that.

Lastly, if you want this to succeed, he's going to have to work somewhere else. All cheaters claim they're no longer in contact but most continue contact just using different methods and getting much sneakier. With these two passing each other in the hallway, it's only a matter of time before they're right back at it again.

Is she married or does she have a long-term or live-in boyfriend? If so, you need to tell him immediately. Not only does that splash cold water on their little fantasy once everyone knows about them, but it gives you another pair of eyes from the OTHER side of the fence, making sure they're not contacting each other. The other betrayed spouse can be your ally, so if there IS one,, definitely tell him.

Good luck to you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1810 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
ShiningAutumn8
Member
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My strongest advice is that your husband has to see/face some real consequences to his actions. Assuming you don't want to separate, I would suggest by revealing the affair to his parents/family, or yours. Don't cover up for him.

In terms of reconciliation, the most important things to start with are to make sure the A is truly over and there is complete No Contact with the OW ("NC"). Do they work together? If so, it is going to be extra hard. You really need to put your foot down on this, AND be willing to walk away if he does not abide.

The first step is full transparency with his cell, email, computer use, internet etc

Secondly, if she is married or engaged, the A needs to be outed to her partner

3rd your WH really needs to consider leaving the job, relocating, getting a new career, whatever

Biggest mistake you can make is to let your Marriage continue without all your conditions being met and/or not being willing to completely walk away if he does not do any and everything it takes to repair

Please educate yourself via this sit on underground affairs, continuing contact, "cake eating", waffling, secret phones and all the other measures cheaters use to continue to betray and inflict pain on their spouses after an initial Dday.

We were the couple that everyone envied.

I see this quote so often in women posting about discovery of affairs. Please let go of the notion that your marriage needs to be perfect, or that you have to portray the perfect image to the public/friends/family. That will do you no good in healing.

This site will be extremely useful to you, and I am glad you found it.


Posts: 443 | Registered: Feb 2014
brokeninfl
♀ Member
Member # 21896
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Devistated - i'm so you find yourself here.

He said I've made the kids my priority for the past 10 years and he felt neglected

This is blame shifting. Honestly, WS don't think straight. In order to cheat - you have to become the "villain" in the story. There has to be a justification in their minds, and most of the time, it is literally a fabrication. My WS claimed things that later even HE admitted was totally based in some alternate reality. His cheating is NOT because YOU did something wrong. It's not. Get it out of your head. YOU didn't cause this. Period. (and unfortunately, that means YOU can't fix it either).

I guess I'm asking what was anyone's experience with taking the first step in healing.

Neveragain and ShiningAutum gave some great advice. NC is a MUST. Transparency is a MUST. That is the first step. Without those you can't move forward.
Im stealing the suggestions from another thread but some of these are good food for thought:
Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631
Before You Say Reconcile...
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548


"On the other side of fear lies freedom"

Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
2 DS
DD 11/08
Divorced.


Posts: 1074 | Registered: Dec 2008
ShiningAutumn8
Member
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your story really touches me, and I just want to breakdown a little bit of what your husband has said/done, as it is all so incredibly "textbook" affair behavior:


But 2 months ago he came home nd told me he felt horrible that he had bbeen instant messaging a coworker and it was flirtatious in nature. At this point that was my red flag.

That was not a red flag. That was your husband having an actual Emotional Affair (EA). The fact he confessed is great and a good sign, but the fact it stopped is not.


I cleaned up and went to bed. I decided to walk back out and through the patio door I saw W's and the ow slow dancing on the deck. The look in his eyes said it all. I tried not to make too much of it.

This is atrocious behavior on your WH and the OW part. Complete disregard for you, to be so incapable of controlling themselves as to act like this in your own home. You need to stop trying to not make a big deal, and trying not to get angry, and "understanding". There is NO EXCUSE or reason for his doing this to you.

I waited till the next day to confront him and he broke down and confessed everything. He said the communications never stopped and they had stayed after work a few times to makeout.

Bologna they only made out. Until your WH is willing to confess their complete physical interactions, there is no hope at R. You can insist he take a polygraph if he continues to maintain they only kissed. Adults don't just kiss, they have sex.

I kicked him out and he stayed at a hotel. And it drov me crazy thinking she was there with him. The next morning i called him and He swears she wasn't

She most likely was with him. Don't let this go. Press him to reveal to you the complete nature of their interactions, time and place. He is still lying, I guarantee it.

He says he doesn'tknow why this happened...He says he wants to stay and work this out. He says he called her and told her it's over.

It happened because he chose to do it. Don't let him act like he was confused, and overtaken, and not realizing what he did. Every day he made a conscious decision to get closer and closer to this "friend" (By the way, you both need to read and discuss Not Just Friends). It did not "just happen" - he chose to have this affair. Do not let him get off easy with an "I don't know" as to why. He needs counseling to determine what in him led him to make choices that would cause so much pain to his wife. Oh, and him telling you he called and told her it is over is a joke. Please. from this point forward - you need proof until he has earned his trust back and proven he is no longer a liar/cheater. Its called a "No Contact Letter" -- he writes it (by, like, tomorrow) and you watch him send it.


He said I'vemade the kids my ppriorityfor the past 10 years and he felt neglected. I do everything for him.

What he is really saying is: when life got mundane and challenging and boring, I selfishly chose to pick a child-like romance with butterflies, excitement, clandestine meetings, etc to fulfill me instead of turning to my wife and actually working on my own fulfillment and happiness in a healthy way. This line is SO CLASSIC and such bullshit. WHAT AOBUT YOUR NEEDS?

I know sometimes it's ground hog day but that life. There are some days that I feel overwhelmed and can'ttake it. But I am not out having an affair.

Exactly. And please don't forget this. And I suspect when you tell him this, he will then say "Well Im just a horrible person, not as strong a person as you, boo hoo hoo"

Don't let him get away with anything short of FULLY OWNING the pain he has caused you by his choices

I really suspect this one will have a hard time going NC. Please don't just believe him at his words. HE must come up with a way to prove to you he is not in contact and not continuing the affair. HE needs to delve deep to figure out how to make you feel safe and undo the damage HE has done.

If he isn't willing to do that, Im afraid there is not much hope in my experience.

[This message edited by ShiningAutumn8 at 3:25 PM, May 27th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 443 | Registered: Feb 2014
Topic Posts: 9

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