Others may have other advice?
4 kiddos in mid 20's
Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...
If you and your spouse are R'ing, and she is doing all the hard work, she will be more than happy to give you her password, and hand over her phone. It's just what we do.
It has nothing to do with her current actions, it has to do with making you feel safe.
You need to have this discussion. Even 5+ years out in a healed relationship we share our passwords, for email, phone, apps, etc. It's not a big deal, nor should it be. And yes most of us with work phones have to change our passwords every 30, 60, or 90 days. Sometimes it slips our minds to let the other spouse know, but when asked is readily shared.
You need to talk about this.
But second part of my question was that if the reason for checking her communication is to put me at ease, it will be much more efficient if she will not be aware I am doing it. My open control of her phone will put her into this victim mode, of being submitted to this humiliating ritual, that she understand was brought by her affair but still resents. In the same time it will not make me feel secure, as it is obvious that if she want to communicate secretly and she knows I am checking her email she can do it in other way.
She always had this very visceral reaction to my spying,
as a former ww, I don't understand this. My husband also takes it personally if I spy. I do not.
I'm not sure it's a red flag or just people needing privacy. I don't need privacy. Former waywards, especially repeat offenders, shouldn't expect this. I mean, will some things be off the table forever? I think so...
But to not want to do it to provide the peace of mind to your spouse after their world had been shattered? I do not understand that.
My husband had to change his email password a few months ago because he suddenly got a ton of spam and strange mail. I didn't want the new password.
I just don't need it. There was a time it made me feel safe to be able to look and check and confirm...but let's be honest, if someone wants to cheat a new email, an app on the phone that's hidden, a burner phone...it's all too easy.
Having the passwords can be a false sense of security. I liked being able to gauge my husband's reaction about my looking at his stuff more than the looking itself.
He wasn't threatened by it, never questioned why I looked and easily gave up his phone or personal property when I wanted it. That was what started to make me feel safe, not the act of looking.
Maybe it is better that she doesn't know I have access to her e-mail rather that her knowing I see it and using other secret channels.
If you are in R I don't think the above is a good idea as a matter of general direction. Constant deception on either parties part is not a good idea. Not to mention a lot of work.
My two cent is that a WS, for the rest of the relationship as defined by the BS, has lost privacy (as it applies to the above). They need to give the passwords up freely and forever. When they change they need to let the BS know. A fear on their part of being spied on is just silly if they are being honest. Moreover, I would add that if serious concerns, such as distancing, odd behavior, etc arise, full and total investigations can begin by the BS as they see fit.
IMO, after an A, it is just the cost of business for the WS. It should be on the table that this is the how things will go down.
Your feeling safe should always be a priority for her.
My open control of her phone will put her into this victim mode, of being submitted to this humiliating ritual, that she understand was brought by her affair but still resents
Wow you have this all twisted around. If she truly resents this, and is playing the part of victim, then you need to have your guard up, this is not true R. Now there is being gunshy about asking questions, and doing things that piss your partner off in R, however.....YOU should be able to ask anything of her at anytime, and she should be more than happy to comply. Real R does not have the WS play the victim. Real R the WS is the one who says, "oh hey I had to update my work password, it's 1234 for the next 90 days."
There is NOTHING humiliating about it either. Would you be humiliated if she picked up your phone and looked through it?
Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.
I found some stuff by looking and rather than check with him I jumped to a wrong conclusion. He wants me to feel safer. Listen to the advice on here, if she's still defensive and saying it's an invasion of her privacy she is not totally interested in R.
Real R does not have the WS play the victim.
we struggle with this at our house.
When the WS plays the victim it then becomes all about them and not the safety of the BS. Not sure why this is such a hard lesson to learn for the WS.
I am happy for him to have access to anything I have and happy for him to check up on me any way he wishes. I am where I say I am and I am doing nothing that would upset him. If he checks it only tells him that my actions match my words. I am consistent and honest. It's great for him to discover that! Why would I resent it?
My husband has given me the gift of a lifetime. Resentment or begrudging compliance boggles my mind. It makes absolutely no sense. This is what I want more than anything, what is there to be resentful about?
If your WW is resentful I think she has some work to do. Something is not right.