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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: devaluing fidelity?
mozzchops
♂ Member
Member # 42896
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


By staying are we devaluing fidelity ?

Before I said is was a deal-breaker, because to me is was such a horrible thing to do. Now by staying I obviously don't believe it is such a horrible thing to do (otherwise I would have left)

Thus, I don't put as high a price on it now.

Thought ?


The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Posts: 119 | Registered: Mar 2014
Branca
♀ Member
Member # 42837
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get to prove my true, strong fidelity by staying with him despite his infidelity toward me.

I am practicing what I preach - showing my commitment and faithfulness through thick and thin.

That said, if this turns out to be false R.... not sure I will stick around. I have to be faithful to myself as well as to my marriage, and if he continues to disrespect me, my faithfulness to myself might trump my faithfulness to him/the marriage.


Me: BW, 36
Him: WH, 36
Married 13 years
2 children aged 9 and 5

DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - EA/PA for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1
Hoping for R


Posts: 119 | Registered: Mar 2014
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Exclaimation  Posted: 11:25 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BS, here's my thought on fidelity.

I do still put a high price on fidelity.

It's just that at this time, I do not put a high price on fidelity in my marriage post husband's affair.

He did not honor his vows and now I feel the contract we made to forsake all others has been irrevocably broken.

Through the years I have kept my boundaries up high and when someone approached me too seductively, I shut it down immediately. Even when I was attracted to the other person.

I still shut those attempts down, but thus far the attempts have not been made by someone I am attracted to in any way.

I do think post his affair I might behave differently if someone is seductive, single and I am attracted to them.

At that point, if I felt an interest, I would likely ask my husband for either an open marriage to explore it or a divorce.

My husband's affair involved, emotional, sexual and financial infidelity. He Trickle truthed for six months and made contact at least three times in those six months post dday, even though he swore he would never contact her again.

He swears contact was only to see how things were going in her marriage. Still!!!

I am deeply hurt and vulnerable because of that hurt and betrayal.

[This message edited by seethelight at 12:41 PM, May 27th (Tuesday)]


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not devaluing fidelity. Your partner did. Instead, you are showing that you are capable of understanding and bearing the complexities of reality, of understanding that people and relationships are complex and often contradictory. We are all capable of good and bad actions. We chose what we can live with. That doesn't mean that you don't value fidelity or that you value it less than others. I assume you're actually more actively demanding it now than people who haven't been touched by infidelity.

Your comment alludes to the loss of purity of the M. Most BS's (and a lot of remorseful WS's) grieve over this loss. In some ways it's the loss of a fantasy. We look to M as black/white, all or nothing, and why shouldn't we when most marriage vows are quite lofty. One person above all others, no matter what for the rest of our lives.

After an infidelity, a BS is forced to become a realist. The person you trust most has hurt and betrayed you and of course you know it's possible that it can happen again. It's a huge psychological shift to go from blind trust to this more careful approach.

Don't beat yourself up for staying. IMO it's much harder to stick around and do the work than it is to separate.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 571 | Registered: Jan 2014
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The choices your spouse makes do not define you.

You did not have the affair.

You chose to work through someone else's issues, pain and brokenness to create a happier, healthier life going forward.

That isn't devaluing fidelity.

It's valuing your marriage and commitment.

If 2 people are committed to healing then it's something that can be done.

IMO this is completely false


Don't beat yourself up for staying. IMO it's much harder to stick around and do the work than it is to separate.

To walk through this trauma is difficult. Whether you have 2 people willing to do the work or you have someone that needs to walk away. There is no easier path and to suggest there is only makes light of another's journey.

We all have our own unique and difficult paths ahead of us.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great question...

From my belief only....

By staying I am defining fidelity!!! I am remaining loyal and supportive through the worst case scenario. Leading and teaching by example.

What this shit storm did devalue for me/us was monogamy. Which is a completely different story.


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Aug 2012
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry if I offended anyone with my statement. Not my intention.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 571 | Registered: Jan 2014
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry if I offended anyone with my statement. Not my intention

Not offensive...I think it's easy to get caught up in wanting to compare....

but in the end...it all sucks


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What this shit storm did devalue for me/us was monogamy. Which is a completely different story.

^^^^This totally! My fWH's many A's have devalued monogamy. It's sad but it is what it is.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You valued fidelity; it was your spouse that chose not to. For that, you can give the gift of a second chance or walk away. No matter what, make sure he knows you hold the decision and your demands will be met.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
L-I-B-E-R-A-T-I-N-G ME

Posts: 1237 | Registered: Dec 2013
MJane
♀ Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well said karmahappens....the loss of purity is a heavy blow. I have been lucky enough never to have mistrusted anyone I was very close to - jealousy was never something I suffered from even when I was younger and dating (I figured if someone didn't make you feel secure then it was time to move on and did so rather than waste time on someone disrespectful). Now I find myself with someone I opened my heart to, who knew all my vulnerabilities, who was my best friend in life and was capable of the worst betrayal and, worse for me, the total indifference to the pain he caused to me. I do ask myself if I am true to what I believed in...I can see the point made that sticking it out (where there is true R) is the ultimate testament to M vows but another part of me screams loudly that I would want myself to walk away from such a betrayal - that if this happened to my daughter or my close friend I doubt I would want her to stay....

Posts: 260 | Registered: Sep 2013
mozzchops
♂ Member
Member # 42896
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


But by staying doesn't that mean I'm putting a lower value on it ?

I'm a logical guy:-

Before affair, cheating = 10/10 and is a leaving offence.

After affair, cheating = less as it wasn't a leaving offence.

So by staying I am accepting something I wouldn't have accepted before. So, it can't mean as much as it did previously.

I find myself having to review my outlook on life, otherwise I would leave. The damage has been done and there's nothing anyone can do about it


The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Posts: 119 | Registered: Mar 2014
Mama3030
♀ New Member
Member # 42553
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I do think post his affair I might behave differently if someone is seductive, single and I am attracted to them."

OMG totally. It makes me mad in way, I feel like this affair has hurt my own morals even though I'm not the WS.

Ugh


WH 42
BS (me) 33
3 kids- 6. 4, infant

Together 13 years, married for 8

DDAY 2/21/14


Posts: 43 | Registered: Feb 2014
Gotmegood
♀ Member
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Early into my marriage, had I been asked what my response would be to discovering WH's betrayal, I most definitely would have said "I'm gone!" Well, I'm not. The only emotion I could have imagined then was intense anger. This gutting of my heart and spirit was not in the equation back then. I also could never have imagined this trauma involving such a cheap, meaningless ONS with a scumbag prostitute. The reality of what he brought into my life was just not on my radar screen at all. The shock and trauma experienced on DDay might have had an impact on my original decision..... Who knows. But I do know that the death of the purity I now have is something I could never have predicted. So I guess what I'm saying is, that although I think I would have firmly believed that infidelity would be an absolute deal breaker for me, I had no idea what was truly involved in this shit. I'm making the best decision I can now, with the information I have now.


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 529 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
lostworld
♀ Member
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me the value of fidelity didn't change; what changed was my preconceived notions of how I would think, feel, and react in the aftermath of infidelity. While it seems somewhat incongruous to me, my FWH and I both still value fidelity enormously.


Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married 30 yrs. w/ 2 grown kids
Dday 1: Very early 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
R'd
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 820 | Registered: Apr 2008
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Veronique- a perfect response, I think.

I am going to go all Pollyanna here and say that I feel like while our love was "real" before, it had not been tested in a significant way. Well, now it certainly has, and the end result of our work picking up the pieces is deeper intimacy moving towards a better marriage.

My husband and I both had ideas about love and fidelity (that they were just a given, and didn't need to be nurtured) that turned out to be false, and left us in harm's way. So, I don't think we are devaluing it in any way, we just have a truer perspective on what it takes to maintain it.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:03 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I said: "I do think post his affair I might behave differently if someone is seductive, single and I am attracted to them."

Mama said:OMG totally. It makes me mad in way, I feel like this affair has hurt my own morals even though I'm not the WS. ugh!


Mama:

The other sad thing is I really am confused about morality at this point, regarding a revenge affair because truly, my husband already broke the implied contract of fidelity and forsaking all others in our marriage vows.

So, I don't feel the contract is valid at this point. Therefore no morals would be compromised, based on the basic tenet of an implied or written contract. The contract was made null and void by his affair.

I can understand a revenge affair, but the idea disgusts me personally.

I am vulnerable however and I can see myself filing for divorce should I meet a single man who made me feel special and whom I could trust. I think I might want to explore that possibility, but never as an affair.

I do think the broken marital contract feeling is consequence of the affair that the wayward must live with.

An attorney friend told me that in almost 90 percent of the divorces she handles the person who files was cheated on at some point in the marriage,......maybe ten 20 years ago. But it always exists as part of the reason for finally filing for divorce.

For my part, post affair, a lot of things about my husband annoy me these days.

In the past, I would just brush these things off because for me, the most important aspect of the marriage was trustworthiness and faithfulness.

Therefore, prior to his affair, when he did little annoying things, I would ignore them, or sometimes laugh about them, or maybe even find them cute.....but now they really Irk me.

It was my husband's request to save the marriage. I am not sure he has changed. He is still blameshifting and not taking full responsibility.

I initially, after finding out six months after dday that he was still running into the OW on the street and talking to her, wanted to file for Divorce.

He asked me not to.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
Topic Posts: 17

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