For me, it was simple. I had deal-breakers, my lines in the sand.
1. Any contact between my husband and the OW that I was not informed about.
2. Another A or evidence of.
Either of those and I would pack my bags and leave.
Not deal-breakers so much, but I needed the following.
Access to all social media, phone, email.
Knowledge of where he was at all times.
No socializing with any former friends/people who were not friends of the marriage.
Open honest answers to my questions.
An understanding that he invited bat-shit-crazy into our lives and until it was conquered he would have to step up and put up with it. No defensive responses or attitude allowed.
They have to give themselves up completely to healing in order to produce a safe environment for the BS to heal.
We need to be able to feel our emotions, hurt, be angry, sad lonely....and know we are in a place that it's safe to do so.
So what you need today may not be what you need tomorrow. Your husband just needs to walk along side you and take each turn as you need it.