You were not honest with your feelings.
I agree, I find it odd he even asked, but you need to be honest too.
If he decided to not take the trip because of that then that's his own fault.
I don't think things like wanting to live it up with his cousin are "little" things.
Does he hang out with people that are friends of the marriage?
Has he not dealt with his need to rescue and his impulsiveness in IC? I would insist on it.
Glad you talked it out and I too hope he understands. I can understand why you are mad, but you will probably have to let it go and move forward.
It is up to you to speak your truth. It's part of being in an honest relationship, that goes both ways.
The boundaries established after an affair are for a lifetime, not just a few years. His job is to protect you and your marriage, not to do things that cause small hurts. Sometimes miscommunications are just going to happen, and we forgive one another those. However, it seems to me he doesn't quite GET that life is changes forever. Things don't ever go back "the way they were" or what have you.
Shit be different. Both the wayward and the betrayed have to understand and embrace that.
That being said if I was uncomfortable with something that he wanted to do I would absolutely tell him now and why. If he can't understand why I would be upset/uncomfortable then we really aren't on the same page like we should be.
If you guys have gone to MC maybe it's time for a revisit? You don't want to build up resentment over those "little" things. Better to get them out on the table now so you can continue doing as well as you have!!
Best wishes to you both!!
Innocent until the woman behind you on the bike becomes a little more touchy feely or suggestive, then what? What about rumors, which can be very painful?
You avoid these situations.
I've never had an affair, and I avoid them, because I've had opportunities that presented and they didn't involve that much contact. But I avoid them because I know it would make my wife uncomfortable, I KNOW, she doesn't have to tell me.
Agree with everyone else about speaking your truth as well.
I am honest with him when he asks and explain why every single time, but I just want to yell "if you have to ask if it is ok then it probably isn't and you know that somewhere deep down inside or you wouldn't be asking for permission!".
I have asked him to go back to IC to explore why making decision is so hard for him, but he keeps insisting that his thought process has changed and doesn't need it. I can't change him so now I wait and watch for him to "get it". Not sure how long I will wait for, but for now I am here doing my part.
I struggle with WH asking "Is it ok if...". I get tired of having to be his moral compass.
this kind of thing perpetuates the parent child relationship. I get it as well. I really feel that if a wayward truly gets it, they already know what to do based on the kind of partner THEY want to be, not the kind of partner YOU want them to be.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.
the easiest way is to avoid situations that can lead to something inappropriate. rather than having to say "no" its better to avoid the situation that would require a "no".
to put it another way only a foolish male would put themselve into a position where they would have to say no to a nude, horny, and willing female - nuch easier to have avoided all of the steps that could have led to this situation ever occuring.
he could have said "the only one allowed to ride with me is my wife".
[This message edited by william at 6:03 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys
Now, what part of the last five years made him think that I would be ok with that? But the way he asked implied that if I wasn't ok with it, he just wouldn't go.
I'm sure it's innocent but I can't help but question why the girl felt comfortable enough to even ask a married man to ride on back of his motorcycle. Would you have the nerve to ask another woman's husband that? I wouldn't. I can't believe your husband even entertained the idea enough to ask you. And then to imply if you aren't ok with it, he just won't go at all. To me that would mean my husband would rather not go at all than to tell that woman no, the only woman I let on my bike is my wife. He had to know this would bother you or he wouldn't have asked for permission. He knew you wouldn't want him to miss the trip so he played on that and basically said if you don't let me take this woman, I just won't go at all. I would feel like that woman's feelings were important to him than mine. And then to see a picture of them on facebook??? That would send me over the edge. Would he be ok with you riding with another man?
[This message edited by Newme123 at 1:33 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)]
We all have learned that the A is not the biggest problem, although it is by far the most painful and hurtful and destructive thing a WS can do, it is really only the tip of the iceberg. All those "little" problems along the way that were swept under the rug are a part of the huge problem. If he continues to be selfish in his choices, even the small ones then this IS his character.
"if you have to ask if it is ok then it probably isn't and you know that somewhere deep down inside or you wouldn't be asking for permission!".
I totally agree with this, as others have said it sets up the parent/child mentality with your marriage. You can't win either way.
What your husband did would bother me. Him asking me would bother me. I would think, "really? why are you even asking?"
there is a transfer of vigilence thing that needs to last for a long long time. An anticipation of your BS's needs.