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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Can i has new brain plz
Adeahan
♂ Member
Member # 43005
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS is doing everything right, she is transparent, she started IC she wrote a no contact, gave up all social media, calls me from work and texts and lets me know when she is on her way home, she is more loving and open and our marriage is 100 times better then before the A. I find myself getting upset/triggered by the most weirdest little things that then just become irrational fears, for example my W was wearing a nice tank top under her work shirt today, i know why she is wearing it, (she just had breast reduction surgery a bit over a month ago and cant wear bras with an under wire so it is more comfortable) but automatically my brain went right to "oh hey she is wearing a nice shirt under her uniform, she must be going to meet a guy" or she will work a short shift sometime 3-8pm then they will ask her to stay till close 11pm, she will call me and let me know and call again from the store when she leaves, but then there is my brain again "she is calling you then going out to meet someone then calling back at 11, EVERYTHING IS A LIE!"

I was never like this before i was always very trusting with her not a jealous husband or boyfriend, i hate that this is what i have become, i hope evntually it will fade, sometimes i just laugh at my own thoughts because they seem so crazy, i try not to bring it up to her every time but if i dont talk about it every once in a while i feel like i am going to pop.

I did say something today and she just kind of looked at me and said "i am sorry, i didnt realize wearing a nice shirt was a problem" and i just thought "shit, i feel like a nut case" i dont think people realize that a BS whole thought process has changed, i find i over analize everything now, even though she is doing everything right since around dday, my brain always goes to THAT place first. thanks for listening, hope you all are well.


Me 33, H 31,D-Day 03/30/14, Together 12 years, married 2, 3 kids, 3 dogs, Working on R
"nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ainít about how hard you hit. Itís about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward"

Posts: 138 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Ontario, Canada
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please excuse me if I over step. But what you feel is normal

As a WW I feel grateful when my BH is willing to share his fears. Its because of me he has them so really I should know the full affect. Yes it is surprising sometimes what the trigger is , however. I cannot be defensive in fact, I feel horrible for him. I try to let him know, that its okay, and thank you for telling me. Cause I know as a WW the pain you are in my BH is unbearable.

And these triggers can be crazy making. Its not okay in the sense the world is right but it is okay to feel this way and react .

I hope your WW is supportive. My Bh tells me he never has wanted to be that jealous type and fights it now as well.

I am sorry you are having to go through this.

The logic and the heart work differently, My BH has said it is getting better, its when a trigger or when he's tired or under normal stress sometimes that he is more likely to trigger. So get lots of rest,

Once again I am sorry you are going through this and excuseme if I have over stepped.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 437 | Registered: Apr 2013
Adeahan
♂ Member
Member # 43005
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no i do not mind at all your comments, i welcome any WS that wants to take part in my threads, my WS is supportive, i mean she hugs me and says she is sorry and i see it in her eyes, but i mean what can she say really, there really is no thing that she can say that is going to make it go away, i am just happy she helps me through it the best way she knows how. It is hardest when she is at work and i cant talk to her about it, which is why i am so thankful for this place.


Me 33, H 31,D-Day 03/30/14, Together 12 years, married 2, 3 kids, 3 dogs, Working on R
"nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ainít about how hard you hit. Itís about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward"

Posts: 138 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Ontario, Canada
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your Dday is incredibly fresh, and you have been severely traumatized. There is an awful lot of work that your WW can and should be doing to help you heal, beginning with not belittling your pain in response to her choice of shirt. The fact that you felt like a nut case after that conversation tells me that you really did not feel validated in your feelings. You have every reason in the world to be alert to what she is wearing and why. Just take a look at how many people here have had more than one Dday.

Not that this is for everyone, but my WH hardly ever dresses 'nice' any more. He is very conscious of how he dressed for validation, and he is really working at putting to death that part of himself that needed ego stroking. He goes out of his way NOT to attract the attention of women.

I feel like a better response from your wife might have been, "I know it is going to take time for you to trust me again. I did this to you, and I am willing to do anything that you need me to do to help you heal from this soul crushing pain." And then put on a different shirt.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tis is your new brain, and it's what you need. As time passes, the suspicions will die down if you see more and more trustworthy behavior.

Your old brain had the problem - no one deserves 100% trust 100% of the time.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10384 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Branca
♀ Member
Member # 42837
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was never like this before i was always very trusting with her not a jealous husband or boyfriend, i hate that this is what i have become

Me too. I don't like feeling suspicious, especially when it seems I am suspicious over every little thing even when it isn't logical.

I always felt good about being a non-jealous spouse. Now I feel like I'm being jealous, and I hate the feeling, although really it's less about jealousy and more about trust (or lack of).


Me: BW, 36
Him: WH, 36
Married 13 years
2 children aged 9 and 5

DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - EA/PA for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1
Hoping for R


Posts: 119 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 6

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