One who is affected with a personality disorder marked by antisocial behavior.
This is who I am, unable to express emotions as they happen, don't get me wrong, I feel emotions,
I have this innate ability to block them out.
Cheated on my wife twice, left twice
My main goal posting this is to find similar people who experience the same type of affliction
that infects me, this is my start, details will follow.
If this affliction seems familiar to you, reach out to me
Married 2.5 years
I have two bits of good news for you.
1) There's a one-question test for sociopaths: "Do you think you might be a sociopath?" If you say yes, you're definitely not. So congratulations, you're not.
2) The affliction you're describing is curable. Ask my kids.
Those are some examples. I have not been diagnosed as such although my IC did wonder about possible BPD.
As for how I deal with it: I focus every day on becoming a good person and doing the right thing. At first it was simply modification of the behavior, with every impulse in me being to return to what was comfortable. As time has gone on, making good decisions and having good thoughts has come more naturally.
Childhood was difficult, at times extreme yet I cannot fathom why I stay stuck in those patterns
I think for a lot of us, those patterns are what is familiar, and we tend to gravitate towards what is familiar, healthy or otherwise. One member pointed out to me a couple of years back that the words "family" and "familiar" are very tightly intertwined.
There are some who are able to break out of those patterns, and some of us who choose not to. I use the word "choose", even though it can be an implicit choice to continue with what has been presented to us in life from a young age. Poor choices through complacency of unhealthy familiar behavior, if you will. It takes a conscious and concerted effort to break out of it, in a lot of cases, I think.
Have you ever done anything to really deal with your past? IC?
I think what TG asked here is a great question. If you aren't seeing a counselor or therapist, what are you doing to break out of these patterns?
Best of luck to you. Keep posting!