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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Please help - tempted to sweep it all under the rug
BeHappyAgain
♀ Member
Member # 41289
Helpless  Posted: 11:40 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I am feeling lower than I ever have today. More tears than ever before. I must confess that I begged every semi to smash into me and put me out of my misery on the way to work today.......I wasn't very successful I guess.

On top of everything, I'm feeling very gullible right now. It is possible that my SAWH is the ONE AND ONLY sex addict that is "cured" after seven months of SAA and CSAT therapy?

Is it possible that he has really had ZERO temptation these past months? That he is "disgusted with himself and can't even fathom anything sexual" right now?

Is it possible that I know the full truth even though he hasn't done a full disclosure or a lie detector test yet?

Is it possible that his past actions aren't THAT bad? That I'm over thinking these things and making a bigger deal about them than I should be?

My desire to believe that these things are true is causing me to feel extreme guilt for wanting a divorce. That I am throwing away our in tact family even though he is seemingly on the path to becoming a better human being. That I owe it to him to try harder to forgive. What if he really is better and never acts out again? Will I regret leaving for the rest of my life? Will my boys hold this against me forever?

I almost have myself convinced that I will be less miserable if I decide to stay. I wouldn't have to leave my home, my children wouldn't have to change schools, I wouldn't have to go back to work full time and could continue being a part-time stay at home mom, my boys wouldn't cry for their daddy every night, I wouldn't have to carry this "shame" of being divorced that I feel from others when they find out. I wouldn't have to face the likely reality that no one will ever find me attractive or want to be with me.......I couldn't even keep my own husband happy. I am miserable shell of a person right now. Is being with this man better than being alone for the rest of my life? Is this all I deserve? It is really starting to feel that way you know it?

I'm starting to have a hard time seeing what is real here. Thanks for listening - I really needed to get that all out.


Posts: 101 | Registered: Nov 2013
Regainingsanity
♀ New Member
Member # 43558
Default  Posted: 1:09 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Behappyagain,
I can only tell you that it eventually gets better. Whatever it is you choose it will get better. My biggest mistake was making excuses for doing the right thing for me and my children. The best advise I can give you is pray, pray, pray. Most of all take care of yourself, so that you can be capable of caring for your precious children. I know it sucks, having a sex addict is a tough one, who am I to relate huh? We'll having a pornaddict husband myself I can understand. It has nothing to do with appearance or the way you take care of your home or husband. I did it all, 3 course dinner most days, spotless home, sexually fulfilled, in shape and exercised daily, gardening and mowing, etc etc....it's just choices they take. You will never be alone for the rest of your life. I know you feel this way right now but from reality's perspective you won't be alone. Sending hugs your way.


Me: 26
Him: 30
Married: 4 years (together 5)
DD 4 yrs DD 2 yrs DstepS 6 yrs
DDay: September 4 2012
6 month EA/PA with OW
Dday #2: june 6 2014 with older than him COW
hoping for R but D is staring me down

Posts: 14 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Texas
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 1:13 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried it. Gaslighted the everloving fuck out of myself too. I minimised too. I felt guilty too. I felt responsible for breaking our family apart too.

None of it worked. None of it changed the fact that this was a dealbreaker for me. None of it changed the fact that he was a dry drunk and I was heading towards DD#2, 3, 4.

No addicts are 'cured' - they are addicts for life. Lie detector is essential. Full disclosure is essential.

These are all normal thoughts. Many of us attempted R with what appeared to be remorseful spouses mostly out of fear.

I reached a point where I was more fearful of the pretty certain future I was facing if I stayed in that M than I was of the unknown future of getting out of it.

There's an SA thread in the ICR forum. There are posters in there who are in R. You might want to post in there too.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5557 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
one2ndchance
♀ Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 2:05 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{BeHappyAgain}}

You know the answers to all these questions. You know what you have to do if you want any chance at finding peace and happiness.

You're in a really low spot right now. It's happened to all of us. You have to believe that you DO deserve better. You have to believe in your own strength and convictions. You will get through this. You will survive it. You will look back at this time in your life and realize you were right to get out.

I speak from experience....being alone is better than spending your life with someone you do not trust.


Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorcing

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is possible that my SAWH is the ONE AND ONLY sex addict that is "cured" after seven months of SAA and CSAT therapy?

Anything is possible. But is it probable? Not really. There is one member here who has stuck with her SA. Supposedly he's a "dry drunk" at the moment, not practicing his addiction. No matter how positive the intent of her posts, I always think she sounds miserable and like she's gas lighting herself. Her whole world is maintaining that marriage.

As for shame? Saving your children from being exposed to his sickness and addiction? How can that be shameful?

It's scary for sure. Unwanted change always is. D won't necessarily make you feel better either, especially if you've already attached the shame notion to it.

Are you in IC? Focus on changing your preconceived notions of what D is, what shame is, what being a protective mother is (keeping the family together versus saving them from daily exposure to an addict where they might learn some crappy coping behaviors). This is a re-framing exercise that you might want to pursue. It'll help you feel stronger and better about the decisions you're making.

((((behappyagain))))

[This message edited by cayc at 11:01 AM, May 28th, 2014 (Wednesday)]


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3082 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't have to face the likely reality that no one will ever find me attractive or want to be with me.......I couldn't even keep my own husband happy

I just had to point out that this is distorted thinking.

Your WH's choices had nothing to do with you or how you looked, acted, cleaned house, etc. maybe his unhappiness had to do with that, but his choice to cheat , to actively engage in addictive and harmful behaviors - ALL HIM.

Someone will come along that will find you attractive. Right now what would you do if that person showed up? You aren't in a position to have yourself "out there". Work on yourself and becoming comfortable with YOU, alone. Then you can think about the next guy. Kwim?

Are you in IC?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
BeHappyAgain
♀ Member
Member # 41289
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I am in IC, although I'm not able to go very often; I just can't afford to pay a sitter to go as often as I would like. I know I need to go more, but it hasn't worked out to be a weekly thing.

You aren't in a position to have yourself "out there". Work on yourself and becoming comfortable with YOU, alone. Then you can think about the next guy. Kwim?

I'm not the slightest bit interested in the "next guy." It is more a reflection of how I feel about myself......I'm so self conscious right now that it is hard to leave the house. And I do have a lot of fear of being alone. Something I definitely need to work on.

I don't put shame on others for being divorced AT ALL - I realize this is a shame I am creating on my own......I just can't shake it.


Posts: 101 | Registered: Nov 2013
staystrong101
♀ Member
Member # 41068
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"...being alone is better than spending your life with someone you do not trust." Well said, one2ndchance.
BeHappy - I'm sorry. Yes this is incredibly painful. I understand the temptation to sweep it under the rug. It seems so much easier in so many ways to just let it go and keep up the image of a perfect family.It would have been so much easier for me to stay with my XWH. I would have had a secure financial future. Instead, I am trying to sell my house and find a better paying job. It's hard, but the alternative of staying with someone who used me and lied to me was worse. You seem like a good mom. Maybe it would help you to think of your kids long term. If one of your kids was disrespected and betrayed by a future spouse in this way, would you want them to just accept it? Or would you want them to stand up and find a better life? I don't know your situation at all, but would your kids really have to move schools? Maybe your H is telling you these things to pressure you. It might be worth talking to someone about your options. Maybe you can get a job working during the school day? Good luck. Only you can decide what you're willing to accept.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please, don't sweep it all under the rug.

Is being with this man better than being alone for the rest of my life? Is this all I deserve?

No. You deserve better.

If your SAWH truly is getting better and is able to work things out, no one says you can't get back together with him --- in the future. Continue on your path. Do what you need to do for yourself and your boys. If he gets better, you can talk about that later.

I wouldn't have to carry this "shame" of being divorced that I feel from others when they find out.

I felt more shame when people found out that I stayed with XH after he cheated. Because we all knew that I swept it under the rug and that XH hadn't changed. I just didn't want to believe it (at the time).


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4166 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take care of yourself Be. You're facing a lot of difficult choices; change is hard even in the best of circumstances and you are not in those. Even if you can't see your IC weekly, is s/he giving you homework or suggested readings?


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 562 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
Artemisia
♀ Member
Member # 40564
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs, BeHappy. We're here and listening to you.

So much good advice above. I really relate to two things you said from the experience of my life tearing apart about a year ago.

I begged every semi to smash into me

I felt this way. I mean this exact way, the exact same wish. I don't feel that way anymore and I'm grateful to be alive. You can come through the other side of this despair. I did, so many of us on here did. I know you can too, even if you don't believe it now. Hugs. You are worth everything.

Is being with this man better than being alone for the rest of my life?

I don't know what your story will be, of course. But I've been "alone" in this sense for a year now. It was terrifying to me. I couldn't even do it at first, and stayed with my parents. But now I live "alone," and it is fine. It is more than fine. You make a new nest for yourself and you realize one day that you don't feel alone. I have my pet and new neighbors, you'll have your kids, you will have this new community that shapes around you slowly. I didn't believe it, but it really does turn out ok. You may even love your new life one day, as totally unbelievable as that sounds. I'm not exactly there yet but I can see it out there.

Again, keep posting. This is so, so hard.


Posts: 117 | Registered: Sep 2013
NoMorDeceit
♀ Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I almost have myself convinced that I will be less miserable if I decide to stay. I wouldn't have to leave my home, my children wouldn't have to change schools, I wouldn't have to go back to work full time and could continue being a part-time stay at home mom, my boys wouldn't cry for their daddy every night, I wouldn't have to carry this "shame" of being divorced that I feel from others when they find out. I wouldn't have to face the likely reality that no one will ever find me attractive or want to be with me.......I couldn't even keep my own husband happy. I am miserable shell of a person right now. Is being with this man better than being alone for the rest of my life? Is this all I deserve? It is really starting to feel that way you know it?

Now that you have identified those things and how they would make you feel juxtapose those next to how will you feel when he relapses? How did you feel when you found out the first time? Can you really imagine living with someone you will need to subject to polygraph every few months AND constantly babysit and monitor just waiting for him to slip? To never ever feel really safe again?

Addicts are addict for life, there is no cure. I worked in addiction as an RN for over a decade. Addiction is a chronic disease and it is very difficult to manage. 7 months is nothing. If he has been in treatment he knows that, telling you otherwise makes me wonder if he has actually been going to treatment? Is he still going to meetings? He should be going more...he should contact his sponsor, he is going down the rabbit hole of "I'm all better and don't need help". Relapse is just around the corner of that street.

I'm sorry. I'd keep moving forward because the question with an addict isn't what if he never does it again, but what if he does? The odds are far greater that he will, then won't. Don't let fear of being alone cloud that reality. Then you are back at square one and hurting all over again.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 519 | Registered: Apr 2009
Topic Posts: 12

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