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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Terrified of D
Regainingsanity
♀ New Member
Member # 43558
Default  Posted: 1:50 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello to all, I recently joined and after reading many posts just to remind myself that I'm making the right decision, I'm still finding myself scared and anxious. Here is my story or should I say life....
It all started in DDay September 9th 2012. WH had a A with a woman he met while he was out of town for a vacation he planned for us. I ended up not going because of the fights we had the night before. He went anyways screwed some 28 yr woman then came home to his 24 yr old wife, newborn DD and 2 year old DD. I had no clue, I felt bad for not going and hating him for planning a vacation while still nursing my baby and not even recovered fully from having our DD. That was March 2012 and didn't find out until I had a gut feeling to check his call records. I honestly thought the worse I'd find was just sexting or convos. But it was worse than I thought, like him going up to see her 4 states away and her flying down to meet my WH. My H had always been a little indifferent but he made up by being a great father and provider. He has struggled with porn addiction, dirty messaging women online and sexting with anyone who will respond back. Due to his job he was away for a year following the A, and we couldn't quite move forward. When he came back I moved to his new duty station and we were mAking much progress. After a couple months we started fighting because of finances and groceries and I asked and begged for MC.. He said he rather have a D then do MC. I still asked and begged, until one evening our usual weekend fight escalated in front of our DD and he threatened to hit me. I left that week to my moms down south exactly 4 days before Christmas. He has tried since Christmas to get us back with him. Although he showered me with gifts and letters I still felt his controlling behavior and disrespectful attitude. This weekend I decided to give him another shot. He was coming from his duty station and flew in. After having an amazing weekend I told him we could just drive back and be a family again. That we could start fresh and try one more time. I (deep inside of me) knew it was the wrong thing to do. I just wanted to hope, have a family, dad, mom, kids, happy, forever. He said he wasn't ready, that after spending months apart in different cities but calling daily and texting he thought I moved on. He said he has been sexting two women and has an extra phone. When I first picked him up from the airport he had no phone, no suitcase, NOTHING! Why??!! Anyways after getting to the airport so that he could go back I asked him one last time, staY in the car and we go back home be a family, I just want to know what is in the phones and phone records, or leave walk away from this marriage forever. He said that I could go back but that I had to give him 5 minutes to go in his apartment destroy the phone and tidy up. I said no, we go back and I see all. We'll he walked away, left me. He didn't care that my DD was asking to go back home with him. That we needed to go all together home. Was I asking for too much? I feel I am keeping happiness from my children if I could've just not cared what was in the phones and in the apartment.


Me: 26
Him: 30
Married: 4 years (together 5)
DD 4 yrs DD 2 yrs DstepS 6 yrs
DDay: September 4 2012
6 month EA/PA with OW
Dday #2: june 6 2014 with older than him COW
hoping for R but D is staring me down

Posts: 14 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Texas
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 3:01 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You didn't ask for too much. His ACTIONS showed you that he is not remorseful and only wants to rugsweep, not be truthful and work on things properly.

It hurts so much when you see who they truly are, but please believe him. He does not want the M enough to really change and be a safe partner for you. ((hugs))


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 900 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 3:05 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh and just in case you're in any doubt:

- He blamed you for him sexting other women,rather than owning his own poor choices
- He refuses transparency & would rather destroy a phone than show it to you
- He refuses to be honest with you about what he has said/done with other women
- He is still controlling
- He has not sought help about his violent threat to you


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 900 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:50 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He refused your very reasonable request because he knows that his secret life would be exposed and you would D his arse anyway.

He wanted time to destroy evidence. Perhaps even kick out an OW for the afternoon. He wants to keep you in the dark.

He wants to keep his secrets. Secrets keep us sick and he wants to stay sick. He can't stay sick and have you in his life.

My guess is his infidelity is far broader than you even have an inkling of. The sad clown exhibited much of the same behaviour (sans me being aware of sexting) but he has always had poor boundaries and he has always had inappropriate female relationships. Looking back I now realise he had slept with virtually all of them.

What he was doing is cake eating and hoovering. Read the Hoovering thread.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=480828

Almost all of them do it and they will keep doing it for as long as we let them.

((Regainingsanity)) I too was gaslighted to within an inch of my sanity. I thought I was the crazy one. Nothing made sense and he told me I was being crazy and I stared to believe him.

It is a very common tactic. Controlling us via emotional abuse - it escalates to physical sometimes too.

Be prepared for him to go feral once he realises you are serious about D. They don't like it when they lose control of us.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5535 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((hugs))))

I understand being terrified of D even when faced with an unremorseful WS who is still cheating. It is not what we planned for in life. In fact, it is the opposite of what we planned for in life.

But your WS has given you a clear message. He does not want to have a real M. He wants to have you when it is convenient for him and also have his whores without your interference. He does not want to be a family man.

Go NC with him as much as possible. Keep all communication business like and only about kids and finances. Gather the strength you need to file for D. While you are gathering strength, talk to several L and decide which one you should retain.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17606 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Regainingsanity
♀ New Member
Member # 43558
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for taking the time to reply Softcentre, SBB, and Dreamboat.
I guess I was just used to a f****d up marriage that I have completely brainwashed myself that he is not that bad.
I had a plan every time I went back of being better, looking better and being sweeter. I feel unprepared of what's coming and that's what's scary to me. I left college when I married him and had my 2 DD. I'm going to have to go back to school at 26 with two girls and a tight, very tight wallet. I guess after I've written it it's not so bad. I was just always hopeful I'd be a SAHM to care for my girls. Although I am a tough cookie to everyone, this separation and soon to be divorce is harder on me than I thought. My WH was the only one I ever showed my fragile emotional system and having to rely on family/friends and be vulnerable is unbelievably terrifying. As I'm reading this my Pastor's words comes to mind,
" God is there specifically to fulfill every need your H isn't "
Thank you all


Me: 26
Him: 30
Married: 4 years (together 5)
DD 4 yrs DD 2 yrs DstepS 6 yrs
DDay: September 4 2012
6 month EA/PA with OW
Dday #2: june 6 2014 with older than him COW
hoping for R but D is staring me down

Posts: 14 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Texas
Regainingsanity
♀ New Member
Member # 43558
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for taking the time to reply Softcentre, SBB, and Dreamboat.
I guess I was just used to a f****d up marriage that I have completely brainwashed myself that he is not that bad.
I had a plan every time I went back of being better, looking better and being sweeter. I feel unprepared of what's coming and that's what's scary to me. I left college when I married him and had my 2 DD. I'm going to have to go back to school at 26 with two girls and a tight, very tight wallet. I guess after I've written it it's not so bad. I was just always hopeful I'd be a SAHM to care for my girls. Although I am a tough cookie to everyone, this separation and soon to be divorce is harder on me than I thought. My WH was the only one I ever showed my fragile emotional system and having to rely on family/friends and be vulnerable is unbelievably terrifying. As I'm reading this my Pastor's words comes to mind,
" God is there specifically to fulfill every need your H isn't "
Thank you all


Me: 26
Him: 30
Married: 4 years (together 5)
DD 4 yrs DD 2 yrs DstepS 6 yrs
DDay: September 4 2012
6 month EA/PA with OW
Dday #2: june 6 2014 with older than him COW
hoping for R but D is staring me down

Posts: 14 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Texas
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like you have a great pastor. It really sucks having to face D when we married for life, but God gave D for a reason, honey, especially for infidelity. The M is already shattered and it takes two to rebuild it. Your WS wants you to do all the rebuilding by yourself, and that just doesn't work, no matter how we want it to. ((hugs))


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 900 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 8

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