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User Topic: I know this is morbid but...
Guinness23
♀ Member
Member # 42852
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your Mom did the best she could with the hand she was dealt, and she wants you to do the same

Yes. I DO know this..which is why I am not angry at her. I just wish we had been closer.

I opened this thread selfishly to vent over my own memories of my mom and her death on July 8, 2008. What I got here is all of you being able to relive and acknowledge your own instances of being in a room where a loved one passes. What a gift that is. Truly. It is not for everyone, however. I have 2 sisters that have stated that they were glad they were NOT with my mom.

Please - don't beat yourself up if you can't do it. The deceased understands.


Me 47
ExH 43
Divorced 2010

47 is the new year of treating myself better than I have in 6 years.

What ever doesn't kill me makes me stronger so long as I remember that

My favorite drink is no longer Guinness but water. Call me Dasani23


Posts: 592 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Indiana
Unreality
♀ New Member
Member # 41696
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. We brought my mother home from the hospital, with Hospice's help. We expected her to have a couple of weeks but after only a couple of days it was clear she was going to die soon. She was in and out of consciousness, trying to talk when she was awake. At the very end the nurse came and got my brother, my sister, and I and said it was the end. We went to her bedside. She opened her eyes and looked right at me. I told her very calmly that it was okay that she let go, that we would be okay, and that I promised I would take care of the family (I am the oldest). As she was looking at me a single tear rolled down her cheek and she was gone. I firmly believe that was her gift to me. The experience of being with her as she died helped me understand that while hard, sometimes death is a better option than staying alive. I am grateful that I was able to say my good-byes.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: US
purplejacket4
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a physician I've been there several times when a patient has passed. I've called codes and declared times of deaths. The most memorable death though I alluded to in F&G. When I was 22 doing mission work I stood there and helplessly watched a one month old baby die of tetanus on a tarmack in Eastern Honduras. It was so hard to watch a baby pass with both parents and the local nurse weeping for a disease that knowledgable hygiene on proper umbilical care would have prevented. This just spurred me on towards medical school and helping others.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2239 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
ISPIFFD
♀ Member
Member # 26367
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My father had Alzheimer's. I saw the signs of it 10 years before anyone else -- I don't mean to sound like that makes me special or anything, just that so may people in his life denied it for so long (even my sister), and to Dad's credit, he covered it well for many years. But once it finally took hold and became obvious to all, the end came very quickly. Even his own PCP refused to acknowledge the dementia until about 6 months before the end (I don't know why). Thank heavens for Hospice!

The Hospice group I'd called in had/have a pamphlet that details what to expect as death takes someone -- things like one last temperature spike as the body tries valiantly to fight off what's happening, changes in breathing, etc. I sat at Dad's bedside and could practically tick off everything on the list as it happened.

I was holding his hand, and had my fingers on his wrist pulse. I felt his heartbeat get softer and softer as his breathing got slower. I still don't really understand what happens -- it's not like an obvious traumatic cause, like a bullet to the heart -- his functions just all seemed to decide at once to slow down then stop. There was no death rattle, he just didn't take the next breath. His heartbeat got softer, slower and then stopped beating. He was there, then he was gone.


Me: BW (55)
Him: WH (62)
7/14/11 - Divorced

Posts: 1873 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: another world
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is not for everyone, however.

It was not for me. That's why my mom stayed with my dad...I could not bear to watch him die, and I didn't know what to expect. I know he understands.


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. and 2 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5076 | Registered: May 2007
Sagittarius01
♀ Member
Member # 33643
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was blessed to be with my grandpa when he passed. The days leading up to his death, he was in the hospital due to complications of a cancer-related surgery. He was alert and positive, but I never seen him so weak and bedridden, I burst into tears when I first saw him in the ICU. All of our family was there, reminiscing about the past, and each one of us got to talk to him privately and say our goodbyes when he was still alert. The next day he was incoherent. We did another round of goodbyes. It was bizarre, because the whole family kept vigil by his side the whole entire time, and when he did decide to leave, no one was there except me, and my cousin. I remember his breathing was very shallow, one breath...few seconds pass...then another breath...then nothing. I waited what seems like forever for him to gasp for another breath but nothing. My cousin and I looked at each other and I look at my grandpa and asked "Did you leave us?" while stroking his hair. My cousin got the nurse and pronounced him deceased after him and another nurse confirmed no heart beat. I was numb, but happy because he was in no pain. I had to go deliver the news to the family in the waiting room. I peeked through the window and they were all happy, laughing and smiling.
What made it even more special (not that it was) that he chose me to be with him to the end, was a few days prior when he was coherent, he told me in front of my aunts that I was his best thing in the whole world to him. You see, he raised me when my own parents we being selfish and living their lives, I looked up to him. After his funeral, I asked my S/O's grandmother who is a medicine woman why he chose me to be with him, and she said that I was his favorite grandchild and the daughter he wanted so bad (his own daughter is a selfish woman).
Oh dear, I'm blubbering now...sorry! Anyway, I doesn't trigger me as much now, I miss him every day, but I know he's in a much happier place in no pain

Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: AZ
Faithsurviver
♀ Member
Member # 30860
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was with my father when he passed in October. I feel so blessed to be there and tell him how much I loved him, that my siblings and I would watch over our mother, and that the "door" was opened and his family was waiting for him in heaven. He took his last breath and it was over. So peaceful...


BW (me) 51
XWH 53, but acts like a 15 y/o
M 18 yrs
DS 16, DD 14 (on D-day)
EA,PA with OW, 30 yrs his jr.
DDay 11/30/09 (DS's B-day), WH moved out 4 days later.
I filed for D-1/29/10,
DIVORCED 10/22/10
You can't reason with an NPD!!!

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Midwest
ifeellikeafool
♀ Member
Member # 43507
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with you tushnurse I have heard alot of stories where they die after family makes it to hospital and such.


Me BS 32
My WH 44
Dday march 27,2014
Around 2005 he went to one of those message places off craigslist
2002 few months of M tried with BF she said no so he got BJ from maid of honor

Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: California
Jeaniegirl
♀ Member
Member # 6370
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been with several people when they passed. Two of my best friends (both died of cancer) had me as their medical power of attorney and I promised them certain things, which I tried to follow to the letter.

Some people pass easily, some with difficulty. Most passages I have seen have been quiet, respectful and meaningful. The most difficult and sad I witnessed was the lethal injection of a client. That was a horrible death and took over 17 minutes of thrashing and gasps and struggles.

Guinness, you were given a gift to be with your Mom at her passing.

My dad had been ill for a while and on his last day, he was struggling to sit up and asked for a back scratcher. I gave it to him and he gently used it to pull back the drapes by his bed. He was looking outside and had the most wonderful, peaceful look on his face! I said .."Dad, what do you see out there?" And he laid back down and said ..."My Mama." Wow, he looked so happy. The Hospice Nurse told me she's seen that countless times -- like someone coming 'after them.' I am not afraid to die after witnessing that.

Guinness, much peace to you.

[This message edited by Jeaniegirl at 7:18 PM, May 31st (Saturday)]


"Because I deserve better"

Posts: 990 | Registered: Feb 2005
Mama_of_3_Kids
♀ Member
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Registered Nurse...I've been in the room when death was expected and it was a peaceful passing and also when we were doing everything to keep someone alive, but were not able to The latter is why I decided to leave nursing, for a while.

I was present when my grandpa passed away. I am pretty sure he "waited" on me to see him one last time before he passed. He passed about 15 minutes after I arrived, while I was holding his hand.


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/33 The kidlets: DS13, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11584 | Registered: Dec 2009
ifeellikeafool
♀ Member
Member # 43507
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The most difficult and sad I witnessed was the lethal injection of a client. That was a horrible death and took over 17 minutes of thrashing and gasps and struggles.

I don't mean to pry but I'm curious was it a serial killer or something?

[This message edited by ifeellikeafool at 1:40 AM, June 1st (Sunday)]


Me BS 32
My WH 44
Dday march 27,2014
Around 2005 he went to one of those message places off craigslist
2002 few months of M tried with BF she said no so he got BJ from maid of honor

Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: California
Jeaniegirl
♀ Member
Member # 6370
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. A woman. She didn't kill anyone and was not at the scene of the crime but was convicted of conspiracy which resulted in the death of her husband. Her IQ was 70.


"Because I deserve better"

Posts: 990 | Registered: Feb 2005
Jeaniegirl
♀ Member
Member # 6370
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I lost someone really close to me a year ago. His death has really hurt me. He died suddenly, on the job, of a 'widow maker' heart attack. No chance to say goodbye. He was 47. I was reading some of his emails recently (had not been able to until then because it was too painful) and I noticed a quote he had at the end of his emails .....

"To remember me and weep, it's best to forget you ever knew me at all ...."


"Because I deserve better"

Posts: 990 | Registered: Feb 2005
Guinness23
♀ Member
Member # 42852
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guinness, much peace to you

Thank you

Jeanie - what is your profession that you'd be able to witness that?


Me 47
ExH 43
Divorced 2010

47 is the new year of treating myself better than I have in 6 years.

What ever doesn't kill me makes me stronger so long as I remember that

My favorite drink is no longer Guinness but water. Call me Dasani23


Posts: 592 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Indiana
ifeellikeafool
♀ Member
Member # 43507
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. A woman. She didn't kill anyone and was not at the scene of the crime but was convicted of conspiracy which resulted in the death of her husband. Her IQ was 70.

Wow that's sad I'm surprised she got executed. I mean her husband died but I thought you actually had to be the killer to get executed.


Me BS 32
My WH 44
Dday march 27,2014
Around 2005 he went to one of those message places off craigslist
2002 few months of M tried with BF she said no so he got BJ from maid of honor

Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: California
ifeellikeafool
♀ Member
Member # 43507
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. A woman. She didn't kill anyone and was not at the scene of the crime but was convicted of conspiracy which resulted in the death of her husband. Her IQ was 70.

Wow that's sad I'm surprised she got executed. I mean her husband died but I thought you actually had to be the killer to get executed.

[This message edited by ifeellikeafool at 4:20 PM, June 1st (Sunday)]


Me BS 32
My WH 44
Dday march 27,2014
Around 2005 he went to one of those message places off craigslist
2002 few months of M tried with BF she said no so he got BJ from maid of honor

Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: California
millienotboo
♀ Member
Member # 22415
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My very precious dad had stomach cancer. I knew he was dying from it before he did. We had an almost supernatural bond where we knew when the other was thinking about us etc...
He lived 11 mos after diagnosis. It was tragic in so many ways. I have a brother who was 15 at the time, extremely close to dad and wholly unprepared for this loss. Dad fortunately had hospice care and was at home. For reasons that I don't really understand but was assured by the hospice nurse was the norm.. My brothers could not be in the room while dad was clearly dying. It was left to myself and my step mother to sit with him, handle him when he choked and hopefully ease and comfort him. He had begun the "death rattle" at about 3 am the previous morning and even the hospice nurse was surprised at the fact that now more than 24 hours later he was still hanging on.
Every time that my little brother walked past (averting his eyes each time) my, now nonverbal, dad would groan and grunt. Finally at 5:13 his breathing slowed and I called my brothers into the room and told them that If they wanted to say goodbye it had to be now. We all told him that we loved him and my very brave little brother said "I love you dad" and my dad looked at him, smiled and passed away. It was beautiful.


M-8 yrs together 11
Me-45 BW
Him-49-WH
D-Day 10-10-2008
In R

Posts: 758 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: South
justdoit
♀ Member
Member # 25898
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was with my Mom when she died. She had been injured, was doing fine and then everything turned. I got a call in the middle of the night and grabbed the first plane. She was conscious when I arrived, but had a tube down her throat and couldn't speak. The look of shock when she saw and then the resignation - she knew that if I was there she wouldn't make it. The next day she lost consciousness and the medical team gathered to explain to my sister and I that she wouldn't be back. Although it was very hard we took her off life support as we had no doubt that was what she would have wanted. They removed the machines and we sat with her until I saw her take her last breath. Yes, I am so glad I was there.


Me - 60
WH - 67
Married 35 years
DDay - 5/14/09
He's reconciled, I'm in limbo.
"Stuck in the middle with you"

Posts: 159 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Rocky Mountains
Jeaniegirl
♀ Member
Member # 6370
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guinness, I am an attorney and on several occasions I have represented clients on federal appeals. When all appeals are exhausted and the final say comes down from the Supreme Court, the state A.G. sets an execution date. She is the only client I've dealt with who was executed.

Conspiracy is a felony and if someone dies during the commission of a felony and the death is heinous enough and meets the mitigating factors, the death penalty can be sought. The person that did the actual killing of this woman's husband is eligible for parole in about 8 years due to the fact he turned state's evidence against the woman and another defendant. Both defendants have been executed yet the murderer will be released from prison on parole.

Guinness, I hope your Mom didn't suffer long before her death. One thing I am positive of -- it's horrible to watch someone suffer for a long time prior to death.


"Because I deserve better"

Posts: 990 | Registered: Feb 2005
Guinness23
♀ Member
Member # 42852
Default  Posted: 1:22 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guinness, I hope your Mom didn't suffer long before her death. One thing I am positive of -- it's horrible to watch someone suffer for a long time prior to death.

My mom died of congestive heart failure at 5:30 am on July 7, 2008 in the Emergency Room. At 10pm, the ambulance took her to the hospital. My mom was NEVER someone who wanted to advertise about her health so it took my father 5 hours to actually call me. I lived 1 hr and half away at the time. My heart was racing the whole way. I honestly do not know if she suffered prior to me getting there around 4:30 a.m. but she didn't look like she suffered when I was there. The staff kept giving her the paddeles and trying to jolt her heart back to life. It was SO surreal and frightening. I took my direction from my father who was there, too and who loved this woman for 47 years. A very Christian man, he was stronger than I was that day, I will tell you....but then again, he AND she knew this was coming for sometime.

I am SO grateful I was there. I am SO grateful I was there for my dad to lean on when we left. And I am SO grateful I asked to look at her in the prep room after her body arrived at the funeral home. It was horribly creepy, but healing for me. She had a stove burn mark on her left arm and when I saw that, I knew the person lying on the table with her hair washed and her faced waxed over was my mother.

I miss her terribly but wish we had been closer in life.


Me 47
ExH 43
Divorced 2010

47 is the new year of treating myself better than I have in 6 years.

What ever doesn't kill me makes me stronger so long as I remember that

My favorite drink is no longer Guinness but water. Call me Dasani23


Posts: 592 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 45
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