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Newest Member: whathappensnext (45075)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: to wws, bs cant say i love you
littlemiss1
♀ Member
Member # 43465
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi

My wh and i are trying to work at R.
we are only 5 weeks in from d day, we talk non stop about Everything.
the bad, the worse and the ugly.

We are trying to build foundations back up because we have our first baby due soon.So in some ways i guess its speeding it up a bit.

however we both know it will take a very long time to work it all out, but were making a start.i have hopes that we can get there one day.

He is fully remorseful and honest with me,tells me where and with who hes with, shows me phone etc.
ic started. he has depression and anxiety issues, mainly due to very high pressured job ( no excuse at all, but its true)

Im here with him because i want my husband back not the stranger he has been for 4months.
since hes told me about it all i can see the weight/ guilt has lifted.
during A he became cold and distant.

hes now very loving, sorry, answers all questions, holds me when i cry listens when i shout.

He tells me he loves me so much and hell be a good husband again that i can trust. hell never forgive himself for letting me down when i needed him.

my issue is i cant say i love him back, im holding off almost to stop myself getting hurt again.

this morning he went to work and said he loved me, i hugged him and said have a good day.

he looked at me with the sadddest eyes, and said please say something, im scared youll never love me again or want me.

i said i cared about him, but hes caused me so much hurt im not ready to say it. i kissed him and he left saying ok i understand.

why does that make me feel so bad?
after what hes done?
that i cant bring myself to tell him, when i know it would help him too.

waywards how did this make you feel when your bs couldnt say these things to you?
i do hug and cuddle him show him affection, this is just the part i cant say.

it seems to hurt him so much.

any opinion welcome thank you

me; bs 29yr
him; wh 35yr

Ive learnt i can be happy with or without you, but im choosing to be with you.


Posts: 79 | Registered: May 2014
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's probably a protective gesture. You can't say it because you need to hold back a little because you are hurting so much. How can a WS expect us to be able to say I love You after they've torn our world apart? You need to process this. He is 4 months ahead of you in your marriage. He knows it all and you are still trying to catch up. There is not much worse than this betrayal from the person we trusted most in this world. IMO
Stop worrying about him and worry about yourself. You will be able to say it when you feel safer with him. After all, look what he's done to your marriage, to your baby, to you. If it's still there, the love, it will come back and you will know when you WANT to say it again.

Posts: 1228 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H stopped saying it after Dday. We're five months out now and he's started saying it again. Not often, but he does say it.

It was upsetting at first that my I love you's went unreturned but then I realised he didn't have to tell me. He was showing me every day by still being with me.

There's more to love than words. Waywards especially need to realise that very quickly.

Take your time, when you're ready the words will come.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our relationship was via letters for the few months before we agreed to get married, and we discussed ILY a number of time during that period. I said it and wanted to hear it. She didn't say it; what she did say was that actions were important to her, not words.

Throughout our M, I said ILY a lot; she said it rarely - and it sounded right even more rarely.

I haven't said it more than 4 times since D-Day. She's said it a lot more than she used to, and it sounds right, but ... I just don't say it. I show it with my actions, but I hold myself back from saying the words.

I used to worry about this, but I guess I've concluded that the words didn't do much for us before, so there's no need for them now.

But R is going great without them.

[This message edited by sisoon at 7:37 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10167 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Melian40
♀ Member
Member # 41205
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been almost 10 months since DD and I haven't said it. I don't know why either. Sometimes I'm afraid that our M is over, but in SI I have seen how much time you need to process that.


BW-me:40
BH-him:41
DD-age 9
Together 7 years, married 17 years
DD1:8/12/2013 -OW1-PA 1.5 months in 2009
DD2:8/17/2013 - OW2-EA Spring 2013- He tried to hit on her but she denied.

"You can't fix a broken man, but he can break you"


Posts: 208 | Registered: Nov 2013
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Little Miss

Five weeks out is not enough time to process the affair.

You are still in shock.

A good infidelity counselor can help him understand your perspective, if you can afford the fees.

I couldn't say I love you back to my WH for several months.

What I did when he said "i love you" was to say something else that was nice like "you are my sweetie" Or, you are a cutie" Or "you're my baby" That sort of thing or use whatever you are comfortable with.

I said those things because I couldn't stand seeing that sad hurt look on his face, and those words would brighten him a little.

If your husband is showing remorse and you want to work on the relationship, he needs to be reinforce by something positive that shows him you are all in and want to salvage the relationship too.

As for knowing not saying I love you hurts him. It's normal to want to hurt him a bit by withholding affection.

I wanted my husband to hurt as much as I did at five weeks out. It was an effort daily to NOT do things I knew would hurt him.

Still forgive yourself for wanting to hurt him back. It's so beyond normal.

[This message edited by seethelight at 3:14 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)]


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1234 | Registered: May 2014
Crosswordnut
♀ New Member
Member # 42842
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought I was the only one. It took me a year to say "I love you." I do love him but WH had said it to both of us (OW and me) for months. My IC said I was trying to punish WH but I was hurting myself. So now I say it when he says it but I feel like a traitor to myself.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2014
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm nearly 2 years out and I still haven't said it. (Although I said it a lot in the early days.) I'm not going to say it until I truly feel it.

It's totally understandable that it makes you feel bad to not be able to say it. We all yearn for that time when we could say this without thought and really, really mean it. but you know what? This is a consequence of his behavior and he needs to suck it up. No poor me doe eyes. What he did had real and serious consequences, and no amount of saying "I'm sorry" is going to make it better. He needs to get that. And for you, it's painful because it's a real sign that things have really and truly changed. It's a before and after thing -- life just isn't the same. That's the horrible truth... gosh, I'm sounding so depressing and you probably don't need that!

He can show his love by figuring out how and why he let himself do this and what concrete steps he's taking to ensure this never happens again. (Not just saying "I'll be better!") And I hope to GOD he's waiting on you hand and foot.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2012
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What he did had real and serious consequences, and no amount of saying "I'm sorry" is going to make it better. He needs to get that. And for you, it's painful because it's a real sign that things have really and truly changed. It's a before and after thing -- life just isn't the same. That's the horrible truth.

Good point.

I don't say I love you as often as I used to. I do say it because I do love him, so it's a true statement, but honestly at this point I am not sure that I am in love with him, anymore.

I was, but he uses as one excuse for the affair, that he thought I was no longer in love with him.

What????????

How did he draw that conclusion, and why didn't he discuss it.

Now the sad part is his affair has created the self fulfilling prophecy of me not being sure if I am "in love with him."

I love him like a family member, but I don't feel safe with him nor do I trust him and for me being in love means feeling safe, protected and special.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1234 | Registered: May 2014
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you heard the "bucket with a hole" analogy? Wayards are like that -- you can keep pouring love into them and it's never enough. They will never feel truly loved and there's nothing even the most loving spouse can do. And your reaction is confirmation that they really are a bad person. You're right, it's messed up. We all have good and bad urges (there are so many examples of this -- the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other/The Force vs the The Dark Side) -- which one is truly "us"? I think a lot of waywards feel that they secretly are bad people and deserve to be punished. That's why there's a sense of freedom involved in having an A and that feeling that you're really being yourself. And that self is unloveable by a good person.

Of course that puts us in the ridiculous position of being cast as a person we don't want to be. In short, he can't blame you for not loving him enough. That's on him. As you say, if he really felt that way, he should have talked to you. The truth is, it's his own brokenness.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2012
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm almost 5 years out (but have only been dealing with this truly for about 2 - lots and lots and lots of therapy) and at this point I can't say it to my W.

A part of me still loves her, but it is different. When the A first happened I basically buried all of my emotions and just attempted to get through one day at a time. I said the words because that was what I was supposed to do, but I haven't felt them for a long time. And my W tells me not to say them unless I really mean them. I stopped saying it about a year ago, and then tried saying it again when it felt like things were a little better, but I'm back to not saying them again.

I feel so guilty that I'm hurting her by not saying them. I wish I could say them. I wish it was in me, but it just isn't. I'm not even sure why sometimes... it's like it just doesn't feel right. The words get caught in my throat.

Maybe part of it is that the words are symbolic of being vulnerable to your WS again... and maybe part of it is that someone who can hurt you the way they did is hard to fall in love with again.

God this stuff sucks.


Me: BH, 36
Her: WW, 37
Two girls 8 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 269 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your H sort of sounds like mine about 5 weeks out. Maybe I'm misreading, but it seems like he's in self-pity mode, which I don't think is where you ultimately want him to be. Yes he can feel bad for his actions, but he also needs to actively work on helping rebuild trust and earning your love, not simply pine for the trust and love that he threw away. It can take WS's a while to get that point. Consistent trustworthy and loving actions over a long period of time is what is needed, not a sad face. Actions, not words.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 509 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 12

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