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Newest Member: 4ever2gether (45763)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Science of Trust
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

by Gottman.... I have a lot of his books and didn't own this one. Someone here suggested it too. Me not trusting hubby enough is one of his biggest issues with me.

There is a passage about healing from betrayal starting on page 378 that is very focused on how we must go from step to step to heal and stay in the relationship.

He also states that some things are too big to forgive and that forgiving would be detrimental to a person's soul.

This guy's work is very scientific, and at times, hard to read. But his research on marriage is probably the most in depth and current.

So, I got this book and told hubby about it. Turned up his nose at it.

The hard thing about some of our communication is that he would be so much further along if he read or spent time at places like SI. We could actually talk about some of these things that come up. But he won't. And that is his choice. And I can't do it for him. But the fixer, co-dependent part of me thinks we could be so much further along if he did this.

Well, at least I will have more knowledge under my belt, which will help me heal. And ya know, be a walking encyclopedia on infidelity.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5538 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
KatieG
♀ Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I am like you too, just got a Gottman book, different one and is also quite scientific - game theory and all that.

My WBF is not so big on self-help books but I am, seems not so big on forums either. I was frustrated at this, but really if you think about the Love Language thing, different people learn in different ways. I will always read books and stuff online to help - but he doesn't.

That's the generous side of me - the other side is that he's not interested in healing and learning from others. Disappointing.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 506 | Registered: Nov 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the thing is, if a person doesn't understand how trust works after two betrayals, then find out more about it. It's not a choice, in this case, it's a careful rebuilding of a new foundation. It's a testing and prodding and time gone by thing that I occasionally dip my foot into. Hell by now my entire foot is in. But my whole body - um no.

IT WILL TAKE YEARS. And he would know that if he spent some time learning about it. But that's his problem.

I do enjoying reading Gottman's work. This one is pretty thick.

[This message edited by rachelc at 8:46 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5538 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just ordered the book - I like Gottman. He makes me think.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2159 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


But he won't. And that is his choice. And I can't do it for him. But the fixer, co-dependent part of me thinks we could be so much further along if he did this.

This is a really healthy post Rachel. And I am right there with you. I am changing and I am not sure my WH is changing as much as I am or with me. I am learning I cannot control the outcome. I can't drag him where he doesn't want to go. He has to do it on his own. Sadly, that might ultimately mean we won't be together, but I can't control that either.

Hugs! I get it!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1595 | Registered: Jun 2012
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you asked him if he trusts you?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5156 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Topic Posts: 6

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