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User Topic: Update after long hiatus
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you dedicated as much time to having intimacy with your wife as you have trying to have sex with her?

Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5155 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
♂ Member
Member # 19405
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


No worries, there have been times where I desperately need the 2x4, if I were queasy about feedback, I would have used the stop sign.

FWS since 4-28-08
BS b3tr4y3d
2 boys, 8 and 10
DDay1 - 4/28/08 - Caught in the act
DDay2 - 5/2/08 - OW2 revealed, extent of OW1 admitted
DDay3 - 8/1-2/08 - The whole sordid mess admitted
Fully committed to Reconciliation with my beautiful wife.

Posts: 341 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Houston
♂ Member
Member # 19405
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tired girl,

I don't really put in that much time "trying to have sex with her." I know begging is a turn off, so I really try not to engage in that much.

I try to have intimate time as much as possible, watching movies together, snuggling, rubbing her feet after work, etc.

FWS since 4-28-08
BS b3tr4y3d
2 boys, 8 and 10
DDay1 - 4/28/08 - Caught in the act
DDay2 - 5/2/08 - OW2 revealed, extent of OW1 admitted
DDay3 - 8/1-2/08 - The whole sordid mess admitted
Fully committed to Reconciliation with my beautiful wife.

Posts: 341 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Houston
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This hits home for us right now. But I think sometimes the betrayed'a actions get misinterpreted. I'm not nearly as interested in sex with with my WBF as he is with me. It's not that I'm not interested in sex. There are moments, sometimes daily, that I'm horny as anything. But because of his actions, those sexual feelings are now internal and no longer linked as often with him. I'm not wanting another man either. I've just taken my sexual desires internally.

I imagine it's a way for some of us to cope. At the same time, it's so hard to feel anything sexual for someone who's basically told us with their actions, that we weren't enough for them, or what they wanted. I know for me, part of the build up of my desire for him, was to see his desire for me. It made me feel sexy, wanted, and a huge part of the act. Once I learned of his betrayals, I now see his desire for me as just him wanting to stick it anywhere. It feels like he took me out of the equation.

I'm sure that's not how he feels. But it's my reality. And I wish I knew how to change it. Trust me when I say us B want to want our WS. We just don't want to lie to ourselves to accomplish that. And I have no idea how to get it back.

I can tell you a few things that help. Someone else here mentioned glances across a room. This is huge! That link that bonds only the two of you together.

No mentioning of having sex later, as though an appointment is being made. It also makes us feel like we aren't meeting your needs, and then fear sets in. Also pressure. And honestly, that's a huge killer of desire.

You can't show any interest or attraction to another female. The moment you do this, and we notice, we are placed right back into DD. That female becomes a threat and another possible OW. The problem is sexy women are plastered everywhere. So even when you check out the cover of a magazine at the grocery store, if we notice, it seriously stings deep inside. And while we've become very skilled at brushing it off or ignoring it, trust me when I say we notice and it does hurt.

I'm sorry if this went long. I could probably keep writing. I wish there was a way to fix this. I know for me, more than anything, I want those feelings for my WBF back. I think the key is to getting our desires back on the same track. Right now, he wants more sex. And I want that passion in wanting him back. Two different things. I look forward to seeing what suggestions others have.

Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.

Posts: 481 | Registered: Jun 2013
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This so hit home for me. The "wanted to be wanted" It was one of my rationalizations.

My BS and I years before the A's had a logical discussion. I came to her and explained that if we did not have sex, after 3 days my eyes started to wander. So instead of addressing my issues I had put the pressure on her to meet my sexual needs. She appreciated my honesty and agreed to meet my needs. Of course I did not wee this as wanting me. And what I had done, just turn sex into a job. I would complain that it didn't have to be only 2 times a week. It could be more. I wanted her to look at me with those porn eyes full of lust.

Why did I want her to look at me with those eyes?
1. Because I was watching porn, and marriage is reality not a performance where they are getting paid to look like that.
2. Because I was using sex as a love substitute.
3. Because I was objectifying people

Why did my wife not lust after me?
1. Because we made sex a job
2. I was not meeting her emotional needs
3. I was a complete @$$hole
4. I was a drunk
5. Because I did not make her important

What did we do to resolve this?
1. I evaluated exactly what am I getting out of sex. I found that once I started analyzing my selfishness in sex. that I really do not need it as much.
2. I released her from her job. This is two fold. Now that she is no longer under pressure to have sex with me. It freed her to be able to choose to want to have sex or not.
3. The other part, we agree that I will not pressure her so that when she wants to she initiates. That's right she initiates. It may not be for a week or more. But it is more satisfying, even she agrees with that.
4. I stopped watching porn. Porn increases desires.
5. I do not self-pleasure. I have found for myself, that the longer it goes the nicer I am. In hopes.
6. We set a firm NO EXPECTATIONS rule. We now can enjoy baths and showers and full body massages. without them leading sex. They may, they may not we just try to be together.

Think about a few things, How do you feel when you have to go to work. But then your boss says I need you to work late all week and then this weekend too. Once you turn sex into a job that is what you are asking her.

Be compassionate to her mood. And communicate with her. A change in point of view for myself was instead stead of expecting to have sex today, I expect not to. Then I can never be disappointed. Only pleasantly surprised.

My BS need to be mind f#@$ked (in a good way) before she wants the physical. She wants to know that she is important. Not just by doing the chores. (I totally get that. I have always work hard on chores too. To show my love)She needs to feel valuable. She needs to have real communication, not just talking, but real soul deep understanding.

I truly hope that this helps. I has changed my world.

I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women

Posts: 833 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to post a disclaimer first. I'm an extremely haphazard housekeeper. I hate cleaning. I can step over piles of laundry until I run out of clothes. The only reason I do the dishes (which amounts to putting them in the dishwasher) is that the sink gets too full for me to fill my teapot, and I'm too lazy to walk to the bathroom to do it. Therefore, my comments don't come from a Suzy Homemaker POV.

Putting aside all the the affair-related angst, for me, the fact that you did the dishes so now you deserve to get laid is ridiculous. The housework needs to get done; someone has to do it. The fact that you need a reward for doing something that has to be done makes you sound like a 7-year old. That in itself could be a turn-off for your wife.

Leave the housework out of it. Do it because it has to be done. Split the chores equitably. Try to have the person who cares the most about the task do that task, but recognizing that you don't care about the whole process, realize that you may have to suck it up more than you want to.

You're going to have to face the fact that rebuilding intimacy after betraying your wife is going to take time and a lot of hard work. You both deserve to have your love languages heard, but it's not necessarily going to happen on your timetable.

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20436 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
♀ Member
Member # 41080
Funny  Posted: 1:20 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for the t/j but wanted to take a minute to say how grateful that I stumbled upon your po0st referring to Recovery Nation! The principles there will apply to anyone, and I intend to reap the benefits of their program! Don't ya just love SI for all of the little 'nuggets' we are able to glean from one another

BS: 60 WS: 55
DS: 19 DD: 11
M:25 years
Polygraph 4/27/13 revealed A #1 (ons)only 7 weeks after wedding and A #2 7 month love of his life A
*TT for 18 MONTHS... Damned It!!!
Reconciling? Divorcing? I guess only time will tell?

Posts: 52 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The principles there will apply to anyone, and I intend to reap the benefits of their program! Don't ya just love SI for all of the little 'nuggets' we are able to glean from one another
I know! I went through the whole program and just kept asking why we aren't all taught that stuff in kindergarten! Life would have been so much easier!

Posts: 11791 | Registered: Mar 2008
Topic Posts: 28
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