In my own experience, my WW "confessed" that the OM was "better in bed" than me. He was endowed with larger anatomy and a better physique. This came as volunteered information, not as something I asked about.
This became a huge point between us which was never really overcome. For a long time after her "confession", I would be largely unable to complete the sexual act. In the majority of cases, I would achieve an erection, but upon attempting to penetrate her, it would go flaccid within a few seconds.
The thoughts in my mind were that she would never be pleased with me again.
My situation is decades over. My WW passed away about 4 years after DD, the last 3-1/2 years between us were completely sexless, even though I managed on a couple of occasions to complete.
I have carried these feelings into two more marriages. It was not so damaging in the first because I married a woman who was not very experienced and had low expectations.
However, in my second marriage, in our late 50s and 60s, my sexual abilities are diminished due to diabetes and heart disease and the use of beta blockers to keep my blood pressure down. This has really become a source of significant pain again.
My current W is not interested in sex, and I think
it's because she had lovers in her past who were "better" than me.
My question is this. Is "complete truth" really desirable, in all cases, and at all demands?
If I cheated on my wife, would I want to come home and tell her how beautiful my AP was?
Are those details better left out of the "mix"?
Do they fit into the "Rahab" category of lies? Where the greater good is served by not giving the unvarnished truth?
[This message edited by tfkeel at 5:32 AM, May 29th (Thursday)]
My WW never did they , thankfully. The few times we tried to have sex after were difficult and I personally had flashes of her with the AP. That was a mood crusher for me.
Ur WW destroyed the intimacy in ur M. If you had specifically asked for these type details then totally honesty would be expected but to volunteer these knowing it would fully be at your expense was cruel in my opinion.
I already take a calcium-channel blocker, as well as long-acting nitrates for angina, so viagra, etc, is not useable.
Should I ask my WW this?
I sure wouldn't recommend it. In fact, I'd have to come down on the side of diplomacy on her part even if you did ask.
What a cruel and horrible thing to say.
To compound the original selfish and cruel act with more selfishness and cruelty - is beyond understanding. As if the original act was not abusive enough - adding more abuse goes beyond reason.
If a BS decides they need certain details to help them process and understand - that is one thing. To voluntarily offer hurtful details shows a certain character of the WS - full of disrespect and disregard to the feelings of the one damaged.
I also feel the withholding of the details when asked is also just as counterproductive and cruel.
In my case my "wayward" wanted my forgiveness when "D-Day" happened. But she was not willing to provide details and just wanted to try and forget it. That might be easy for her - but not so easy for me. To dismiss the reality of what happened and marginalize her involvement with another man showed abuse and cruelty. How was I to know what I was forgiving her for?
When it seemed forgiveness did not happen within minutes - she decided it would be too much work - planned a new course of action - and continued to be cruel. She then dismissed our relationship and tried to make me the one to blame for everything. Once again - more cruelty.
She finally told me she needed time to think everything through and she would contact me when she is done. She left me in an indefinite limbo.
Can you say "More Cruelty"?
The cruelty does not end.
While she is "thinking" - the OP is still around - even though she said he was not. She hides the truth and provides only lies.
I know I will never hear from her again. She was strong enough to knowingly and willingly cause the trouble in the first place - but too weak to face up to the consequences of her actions.
We should be told "what we need" - and nothing more - and nothing less. Is it not already enough to process?
[This message edited by BlackHorse at 7:08 AM, May 29th (Thursday)]
I has similar experience, not that brutal but still painful, it was sort of you want full honesty you will have it. Luckily after this conversation she "got it" but still the damage was done.
I would say the lesson is to wait when to push for the Big Conversation, it may be better to wait till he/she is remorseful, than to push it when still in the regret phase
My WW has done this to me.
She would blurt out details of her affair phrased in the most hurtful manner possible. I believe she did this to make me reluctant to ask questions she didnt want to answer.
Once I asked a question (I forget about what) and she was brutal in her answer. Telling me more than I asked about in horrible and pain inflicting terms. then she said *there.. arent you glad you asked*
Maybe it was her own pain over what she did that made her lash out at me. I will never know for sure.
I just wanted to say that what your WW said may not have even been the truth. It could be she was angry at herself or you and she lashed out as a way to avoid having to relive old memories.
Three days later when I went through text messages, the content there fully reinforced what she said.
There are a lot of issues we are dealing with in attempting to build something out what is left of our marriage. They are hard, some crazy hard. But I like our chances on every other issue.
This comparison, particularly my feeling that what she said is true will be the undoing of the M if it fails. As hard as this is to believe, I still don't regret getting the truth. I wish she had framed true answer in a more loving way, but there are a lot of things I wish...
Simply moving on won't resolve the problems created by what she did and said. There is disrespect and contempt in spades, and I've got some serious healing to do with or without WW. I think tfkeel's story can attest to that.
In contrast to some of above stories, the HB has been very good. WW agrees, and I believe her. That does help, but it doesn't kill the gorilla in the room.
Great topic, I hope more folks join in with thoughts on what has helped.
BH (Me) 49
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
This all wanting to know The Truth thing can be a dangerous game. The truth may be hard to handle. Still I cannot change the fact that I do want to have it all!
we cant make smart decisions about our life and the path we take without the truth. even if its hard to hear IMO its necessary.
WS that try to *protect* us are instead controlling us by parsing the truth such that it steers us toward their desired outcome.
I only wanted to know truth not comparisons. Eg. who, what, where, when and why...
I do think that only a cruel person intent on punishing you would voluntarily say such awful things, and if that's the measure of who they are, then you're better off without them.
Conversely people do make ridiculous untrue statements when put on the spot. And never ever forget that LIARS LIE.
It's not you, it's them. They own it all. Not good enough in bed? Bullshit. People who feel loved, valued and safe in their intimate relationships have awesome sex. So I blame the cheaters for making us feel unloved, undervalued and unsafe.
It's like they already stabbed the BS now they are telling the details and turning the knife slowly instead of pulling it out.
I imagine it is hard if you know how the AP looks and have actually seen them. For example, my WW OM AP 1 was my relative who is some much bigger than me in body size and would probably be consider obese... OM 2 was young as her and he was some what physically the idea body size for men.
Some men are bigger than others, and some women have bigger breast. It doesn't matter if they are bigger than you. Size doesn't matter unless you suffer from micropenis other wise just know how to use the tools you got.
If the WS offers that voluntarily, I would consider, what was the point they had in doing that. I can not imagine that being any good to just give that. If it was asked and then it needs to go through a careful filter and be said a certain way.
I am attempted to ask sometimes, but I have a feeling she would either lie or tell me and hurt me even more...
He has back-tracked on all of it, and I am certain those words were intended to hurt me, to cover his own shame for what he had done, and to get me to stop asking questions. He does not remember saying she was more beautiful than me, and he has a hard time believing he would have said it. She is not more beautiful than me. I know it is subjective, but she is perfectly average, same as me. My friends, who have been brutally honest with me in all things, said she is "ugly".
I don't even question whether she is a better woman than me - that is a no-brainer.
My point is, many things are said post Dday that may feel "true" at the time, or may be words designed to inflict damage in a fit of self-preservation (like an animal in a trap bites anything that comes near it), but upon clearer reflection are revealed to be very untrue. Maybe OM was more well-endowed, maybe he really, truly wasn't. Really, that isn't what makes a good lover anyway.
I am sorry your wife left such a brain-bomb in your mind. It was a cruel thing to say, and all it reveals is how hurtful and selfish of a person she was - it says nothing about you. It must be so difficult to process these feelings when the person has died. I am very sorry that is your journey.