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Newest Member: PTSD (44945)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Anyone else stuck 3.5 years out?
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 3.5 yes. post divorce single full time SAHM, and feeling stuck. Life is good on the outside, rage has subsided, but there is still this black ball of yuck in my soul. Dating is not right for me at this point. I can't seem to quite get rid of this pit in me. IC has been done,meds have been done. I have friends, a weekly support group, and a good life. I exercise.

I feel lame complaining this far out.

Please,any ideas welcome. I don't want to carry this forever.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.

Update...he


Posts: 730 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm about at your timeline and it IS frustrating sometimes that I am not more "healed" than I feel like I should be. It is true that this is a 3-5 year healing process. I am 4 years post d-day and little over 3 post S. I am just now at the edge of probably healing.

Dating has been up and down, and I have to confront "ghosts" when I date, but I don't consider that a bad thing. It just IS. I'm learning more about myself and how I handle (or don't handle) personal situations. I'd rather confront and figure it out then let everything "sit", but that is me.

Some days I worry about myself, some days I assume I'm doing fine for what I've been through and where I find myself in life right now.

A dear friend told me that if you fight the quicksand, you drown. The best thing you can do is lie still in the quicksand and roll off when you can.

I try to not fight that I'm not healed, if that makes any sense. When I fight against how I'm feeling ("WHY am I not healed??" "Who is going to want to deal with me??") type stuff then I flail around in the quicksand of negative emotions…if I talk the feelings down a little and just BE, I feel better. I lie still….or try to.

There is no "normal" way to heal. It is whatever works for you. I've been through some serious crap and I just have to accept and be OK with my past. There are days it is one step forward, and two sideways, then a jog backwards. There are days that I completely have my shit together and days I do not. And that is perfectly fine


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4142 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
StoryHour
♀ Member
Member # 19725
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Five years out here. I have my first post divorce date on Tuesday. It's okay. You're ready when you're ready.

[This message edited by StoryHour at 10:15 AM, May 29th (Thursday)]


3 Strikes you're out pal!
D. 8-10


Posts: 2034 | Registered: May 2008
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am at 4 years out past D-day. I have days where I ask myself why I'm not past it. They say it takes 2-5, so I guess I'm closer to 5 years..


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3348 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm about 3.5 years out too and it is still a bit of the up and down. I actually got upset about it in an IC session a couple of weeks ago - I feel like I'm past the really horrible shit, but I still feel like I'm not going anywhere either. My life really hasn't changed a whole lot, minus the douche. I still live in our house, I take care of the kids, same job, good friends. Life is good and I'm grateful for what I have, but I wonder, why hasn't more happened??

I get scared about it sometimes. I'm scared that I'll be alone forever or, if I find someone, I'll somehow end up going through this pain again. I get scared that I'll get sick and no one will be there to help take care of me.

There are all kinds of emotions that go through me from time to time and they make me sad and afraid.

Then, there are other times - luckily it happens more often than not - that I can smile and marvel at how I got through all of that bullshit that he handed me. I can smile at the fact that I'm self sufficient and I'm okay on my own. My kids are okay with me and we have made our own little traditions and special times.

I don't know what the future is going to hold. I don't want to feel stuck, but, as my IC put it, I'm not stuck - I've made a choice. She said that it's a choice to heal, rebuild slowly, and focus on the things that were not a focus when we had to create a personal life before, mainly kids and jobs. She told me that it's really okay to make that choice and that it means we will be healthier and more sure of ourselves as we move on.

Sometimes I believe her and sometimes I don't.

I'm rambling, but the point is that yes, I sometimes feel really stuck. Like someone else said, I try not to focus on that so much or else my thoughts become very negative and I take a trip down the rabbit hole. I suppose the only thing we can do is live in the here and now and if you are ready for a change, you make it. If not, you wait it out and do something new down the road. If we look at it that way, we are living in a world of pure freedom. I'd rather live that way than be stuck with an unremorseful douche who could have tethered me to his crap for the rest of my life.

We'll get there. 3 years, 5 years, whatever. Change will come one day.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2794 | Registered: Jan 2011
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm two years out from my D and there is good and bad.

The bad mostly comes though when I tell myself the "shoulds" e.g. I should be more healed, I should not be bothered by this, I should know what I want. Or worse, I should have found someone new by now.

Well, I'm only partially over what happened, I don't really think I'm ready for dating, the one person I've been trying to date sends me into spirals of "what ifs?" (and not about fidelity, about pretty much everything else). I don't handle dating conflicts particularly well, and I'm more insecure about myself and my life than I ever have been.

I'm trying to practice acceptance. That where I am and what I am doing is ok. That I don't have to prove anything to anyone about my situation.

But I hear you. Inside, there is this spot that whispers "fuck this" "why me?" "really, again?".


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3089 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for your responses! It feels like so much is better, I just want this last bit healed. Thank you for all the insight!


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.

Update...he


Posts: 730 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3.5 years out and stuck (sometimes) too. Most days the "big ball of yuck" is only a little ball, but there are some days when it feels overwhelming. I think that is just "life". My friends who haven't been through this particular life even also have days like this...I think everyone does.

I don't think it is "complaining" so much as it is acknowledging that life is really hard sometimes. That sometimes it is hard to find joy. Sometimes life can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes thinking about the future can be really scary.

What has really helped me through this is ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) and meditation. PM me if you'd like some resource ideas.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3130 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am exactly 3 years out since this shitstorm began. Being D for 18 months now (have to be legally separated for 1 year and then it took another 6 months to have it go to court & finalised here).

I am the same. Life is so much harder then I thought it would be. I am still struggling financially. My youngest DS with SN still struggling with the D and living in 2 homes and with his NPD father. I have as little as possible to do with the ex and wifestress. I no longer hate him but tolerate him at best. He plays no active role in parenting the children and continues to be the "Disney dad".

Whilst I would like some company and a healthy relationship there is just no time for that to happen right now.

I feel like I am just living each day to day. I am trying to think of some small and long term goals to set to motivate myself.

Things have to get better right???


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1333 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Understand. I'm 2.5 years out. Similar feelings.

I wonder if it would help to embrace the scar and realize that it will never fully heals. At the same time, we could embrace that it no longer is at risk of infection and causing life threatening problems.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 944 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Check my date of reg., I feel about 88% healed from infidelity. That would be a lot higher if I didn't have to deal with him about kids and an investment issue for one more year. Kid issue for 5 more years.

I often feel overwhelmed at the responsibility of raising teens alone, upkeeping house and big yard, full time job,part time school and having to deal with the hostility and sabotage x and owife try to throw into my life. It feels like a marathon and some days I want to give up. This is compounded when it feels like no one understands, even when I try to explain it to them.


Posts: 4703 | Registered: Dec 2009
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3.5 years out (from ex leaving) is about when I hit the divorce plain of lethal flatness. Yes, life was good, but I wasn't were I wanted to be (aka fully healed, financially secure, etc), and...I was tired. I had spent so much time and energy in rebuilding my life that I was just tapped out. If I hadn't already been in a post-divorce relationship, I wouldn't have been interested in men or dating. I just didn't have the energy.

I just rode it out. I probably should have gotten on ADs at the time, but my insurance was crappy and I couldn't afford it. Other than work and time spent with my SO, I pretty much isolated myself at home, and spent about 6 months recharging. I got through a couple of life milestones that were stressing me out (youngest son turning 18, and CS getting stopped), and finally stopped feeling so tired.

I think some of it is just that we're on high alert during the time after finding out about the infidelity, and then if we go through a divorce, we remain on high alert. Eventually, we're not running on adrenaline anymore, and we figure out just how tired we are. Our bodies and minds just need a break. I think it's normal to go through this stage.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12149 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if it would help to embrace the scar and realize that it will never fully heals. At the same time, we could embrace that it no longer is at risk of infection and causing life threatening problems.


Loved this!

And Inconnu, you really nailed it. Thank you so much for putting my insides into words.

It really helps to know that this is "normal".

But as my Dad says, normal is a mark on a thermometer, and you know what they do with thermometers!


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.

Update...he


Posts: 730 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Harriet
♀ Member
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 2:33 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you ever logged on to SI because you were desperate to reach out...and found that someone else was reaching out for the exact same reason?

I cried while reading this thread, and I haven't cried in a long time. I am so very afraid I will be stuck on my roller coaster forever. I feel like I am at the lowest I have been in quite a long time and it's so tiring and disappointing. There have been so many false times when I thought I was finally done with the grief. When I read "this black ball of yuck in my soul," I just started weeping.

I have a wonderful home, supportive children, secure job...a good life. But I can't seem to escape the pain and fear. I get down on myself for not being strong enough to move on, and my friends and family say I should have moved on, and what is wrong with me?

Don't they think I would if I could? I am so afraid I will be stuck forever. I don't want this to be my life.


D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 459 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
JerseyCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 41441
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your post has really hit home with me..having the exact same feelings as you. What I believe happens to us BS's after the divorce dust settles is that it sends us into a sort of "mid-life crisis" no matter what our age is. I find myself with those types of feelings like...is this all my life amounts to?


Me: Divorced 2012
I know that when I truly love & honor myself I am at my best & most complete; and I will never settle for anything less from myself or from anyone else ever again!

Posts: 324 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Have not decided where to land yet!
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im 3 years + from Dday and final D and only recently feel that I'm really starting to feel I'm at a level of being "healed" by my definition. To me that means that XWH entering my thoughts no longer means much emotionally - he simply doesn't affect me much anymore and I love it.

But that doesn't mean that I've forgotten or that I'm "over" it - I will always bear the scars - they just gradually don't affect my everyday life as much.

[This message edited by persevere at 10:40 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4516 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Blackhair
♀ Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 1:47 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am only a year out from D day, still on roller coaster, feel the pain will never end.
I can not stop seeing EX since we have young children.

But this is great post, I guess another two years I will be a lot better.

Gosh... This is HARD!


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 177 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 17

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