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Newest Member: conflictedcolleg (44943)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Where to begin
Truly
♀ Member
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((geneboy)))))

You sound like a wonderful, compassionate and intelligent man...so what are you doing?

She does not love you. This is not how you treat someone you love. This is cruel. She is using you and your generous heart.

Get back to your job. Change your number and work your way back to a normal, sunshine filled life.

Inside my head I just bought you a cyber ticket to a better future, it cost nothing but is priceless...please consider accepting this humblest of gifts.

Stay strong (kia kaha) and true

xxx


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
Geneboy
♂ New Member
Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is really touching, and appreciated. All of your comments are. I already kinda knew what I had to do, it's just such a relief to be able to tell other people and not feel like I'm the crazy one.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
Geneboy
♂ New Member
Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 4:18 AM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This going dark thing is a bit rough on the system. She tried to call last night, which as per your recommendations I didn't answer.

Do I just severe all contact completely? It feels like I should just explain to her what is happening, and then walk away.


Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 5:12 AM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't owe her a thing. Unless I missed something, she didn't explain her wanderings to you before hey occurred and she didn't explain why she was screwing other guys.

If you absent mindedly answer a call from her play as cool as Steve McQueen would have. No apologies no penance and no interest in her life. When she asks a favor you don't have the time now as you are busy. Don't explain what you are busy with either.

Also ignore the text or email which will follow a day or so later.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you read threads randomly here, you'll see a bias towards reconciliation, probably because those who post here want to survive infidelity and actually thrive. Here, it appears you have a serial cheater who is perfectly content to do the bare minimum with you to keep you around. That's called Plan B and those down that path before you rarely write of their joy and contentment afterwards.

I wanted to point this quote out, because you have been a member here for a while...although not a poster.

Everybody's situation is unique, yet very similar to many others. And I definitely agree with Schadenfreude that this site is biased more towards reconciliation. But it is 100% biased to surviving infidelity. And often times, the information given by a member will tell a story of a very unhealthy relationship, where walking away is most likely the best move. I am afraid that your story fits this description....as virtually every other member here has stated.

Frank didn't ruin her first marriage---she did. Just as she ruined your relationship. Not once have I seen the description of remorse or empathy, and her continued disrespect of you only confirms her inability to participate in a caring, loving relationship.

I know that there has been an "investment". That truly means little at this point....as cold as that may seem. There are members here that are now divorced after decades of investment--and why? Because they have come to the realization that they are worth more than how they are/were being treated in their relationships.

You have a lot to offer a partner. Unfortunately, your current partner is not the right one. She is definitely a serial cheater(emotional and physical with at least one, and emotional with at least one or two others), and obviously has not put in the work to discover why she is this way.

It is not your job to fix her. It is your job to save yourself, recover, and decide if you want to share yourself with a worthy partner in the future. You owe your current partner nothing. If you want to give her an explanation why you are walking away, so be it....but she will very much try to "suck" you back in. Not because of her love for you, but the fact that she doesn't want to lose control---the ONE thing that she claims that she herself won't tolerate. Pretty ironic, huh?

Things will get better. You are having trouble seeing this, because you are right in the middle of it. Read up on the 180. Learn how to emotionally detach, and you will see things much clearer. It won't be easy, because there is no easy way out of infidelity. I strongly suggest that you post often---it really can help.

Good luck moving forward.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2052 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Geneboy
♂ New Member
Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agreed to the above. Will stay the course.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
Geneboy
♂ New Member
Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, this is nuts.

She tried to phone through like 7 times in a row, and 6-7 times to the house phone too. Sent three messages saying "tried to call" and a final one saying "are you ok?"

This could be a long night... time to put the phone on silent.


Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you feel better overall not having to talk with her? If nothing else, you see how she's trying to manipulate you by these repeated calls. Think she really cares how you are doing?

Emails and texts straight to "delete". I think you will feel better. You don't even owe her an explanation for going dark.

JB has it right read up on 180. Applying it can save your self respect and sanity.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
FrmrBH80124
♂ Member
Member # 42967
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Geneboy,

You've received some great advice! Stay the course and walk away. It's going to be hard but she will soon get the point. You deserve so much better. Keep the phone on silent for awhile. As other posters have said, make yourself scarce and unavailable. She will do anything and everything to keep you in her world as plan B.

As I said earlier, GET OUT before you suffer any more damage.


ME - BH 45
Her - XWS 30
D - April 2010 - never looked back and good riddance.
Happily remarried!

Though much is taken, much abides; and though we are not now that strength which in old days
moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are


Posts: 164 | Registered: Apr 2014
molly5
New Member
Member # 43147
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like you have been through alot dating her. Picture marriage... People don't change unless they want to. You have a lot to offer to a person who deserves you! Best of luck to you.


molly5

Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: PA
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Geneboy, I just read your story and it sounds like it has been a nightmare.

Do I just severe all contact completely? It feels like I should just explain to her what is happening, and then walk away.
Can you walk away or will the next time you talk to her, be like the others and you will believe everything is okay.

I might have said, yes, stay with her and see how it goes, but the new job in law enforcement seems like staying with her would be out of the question.

With the things she said to you about her coworkers, and the long shifts with a male partner, almost sounds like she is forewarning you, there will be more affairs.

She might be the thrill seeking type, and I don't think you want to live your life going from one thrill to the next.

She hasn't even come clean on the hundreds of texts with the last coworker you found.

I think I am correct that, she is already divorced because of 'Frank'. Will Frank reappear, who is the next Frank?

None of this is easy, and it is miserable to have to go through all of the pros and cons of the relationship in your head, which I can imagine you have done.

But with her new job, do you really think things will be better with her.


Posts: 3954 | Registered: Jun 2002
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally I agree with the walk away and go dark and while you don't owe her a damn thing if you will have peace by stating what you believe then do it. Send her an email and then block her from everything. This isn't a woman who is gonna get it.
She is a F'd up mess who will always have dysfunctional relationships. Nothing you do or say is going to change that. This dynamic is unhealthy.

Walk away don't look back. I do think that you are codependent and actually stuck in an abuse cycle. I realize it seems odd to say a man is in an abusive situation. But you are. You need to learn how to recognize it and heal the broken piece in you so that you never waste time and love on it again.

You are smart beyond reason. You are capable and you deserve true happiness. So heal you and go get it.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8506 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, I think you should tell her it's over. You have a history and I don't think she's just going to go away because you don't answer your phone. I think you need to tell her that while you've been exceptionally supportive, she's been exceptionally duplicitous and it is time for you to move forward with your life to a more reciprocal relationship. While you wish her the best you feel that it would be best to sever contact at this time.

Then turn off your phone or change your number.

This will hurt like hell but it leaves no room for ambiguity and it solves the problem of her wondering if you've been injured or killed. Otherwise, she's likely to book a flight and show up to do a spot check or call the police and put out an alert.

You are a good guy and she is a vortex of drama waiting to suck you in. There are intelligent women out there who would be able to reciprocate the attention you give without condemning you for your superior language skills. End it the right way and then move on. Take some time to mourn the relationship and throw yourself back into the job you love for a while. If you can get past 6 weeks, the pain will decrease dramatically. After 6 months, you'll begin to feel normal again. By then, she'll have no doubt found another KISA to save her. Yes, you'll be the bad guy but believe me, you don't want a whirlpool of theatrics as a friend anyway. She really will keep you from moving on.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4089 | Registered: Sep 2005
Geneboy
♂ New Member
Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've always been extremely independent, and still am I believe. I'm not entirely sure how this dynamic evolved in the relationship. It crept up slowly and then gradually became the status quo.

Whilst there were plenty of good times, the heinous acts are too many. There is too much uncertainty, when there shouldn't be any. One thing I am certain of, is that just by airing this on SI it has enabled me to hardened my resolve. Prior to this, I didn't really have anything down on paper (so to speak), but when I read and reread, and indeed contemplate the stuff I have omitted it all becomes rather clear.

One day at a time, and surprisingly I'm not a gibbering emotional heap, thank goodness. I think those tears were well shed first time round.


Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Geneboy

Glad you are finally seeing the light.

Your girl has issues.

Issues you cannot solve or fix.

Worse. She is a liar and cheater. As well as a user.

Not a good combo for any man.

Now use all that brainpower of yours to have a happy life. Call that opposite sex friend and renew contact. You deserve and need friendships.

Now show your girl some real consequences for her lousy actions.

The first one?

You not being in her life and paying her bills.

One question for you. Have you ever spoken to her first husband and asked why they divorced?

You should.

HM


Posts: 855 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
cannotforgive
♀ New Member
Member # 43367
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I suggest 2 books that might help you?

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Glover
How to Break your addiction to a person by Howard M. Halpern.

Every minute you spend with her is every minute lost from a future relationship where someone will love and cherish you for who you are and judging from your post, you are a hell of a nice guy who has a lot to offer....to the right person.


Posts: 14 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Europe
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One question for you. Have you ever spoken to her first husband and asked why they divorced?

I agree with this suggestion. Although I personally do not have experience with this I do know someone who has. He not only found out from the first husband the pattern of the WW's behavior was the same, but that by talking to my friend it also helped the first husband answer questions he still had from that marriage. In other words, they helped each other heal further. Strangely, now they are good friends.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 492 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
Geneboy
♂ New Member
Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whilst I would love to do that, I really would. I don't think it would be very appropriate. They have kids together, and seem to have a non-combative relationship. I would be worried about causing any havoc on the way out the door.

[This message edited by Geneboy at 9:23 AM, May 31st (Saturday)]


Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep taking care of yourself and know that your life will eventually be a lot more peaceful once you have walked away from her manipulations..
You can look forward to picking up on your old friendships(the true friends) whom you had to sacrifice for the sake of this relationship..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Nov 2011
Geneboy
♂ New Member
Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really do look forward to that. I think though I'll probably get a big chunk of me time before. Lots of things I want to do, but didn't have the freedom to.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
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