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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Where to begin
Schadenfreude
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Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only reason not to firmly remain on the dark side with her is if you have a genuine worry that she will show up and cause havoc at your workplace. If so, send her the short "I am moving on and don't want to see you or communicate with you" email. And change your phone number. Get a new email, and send hers to junk status immediately on your work email if you have one she knows.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Geneboy
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Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you all, and fully appreciate what you are saying. I am definitely forging my own path from here on out.

However, I think if I don't have a face to face regarding my intentions that I will be taking the easy way out. It doesn't feel like the honourable thing to do in these circumstances. I'm heading back home to visit family, and I want to have a sit down with this woman to let her know the score.

Has anyone any tips on how to do this relatively cleanly/effectively? And/or important things that I should prepare myself for/with in advance?


Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
Geneboy
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Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nearly a week in. Am still on course with the 180. Feeling extremely emotionally drained.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
Schadenfreude
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Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone quotes WS Churchill here:


When you're going through hell, keep going.

Just stay prepared for her sudden appearance. It will happen, and she isn't happy with you since her game has been called on account of a storm of common sense.

( that phrase is modified from the world of baseball, so I apologize if it's meaning is vague to you )

.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Geneboy
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Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's bizarre really,

I haven't been engaging at all. She still sends messages ending with x, and still leaves voice mail. Was originally planning on visiting next week, and she has left voice mail about that.

The straw that broke the camels back, was a request that she stay in 8 weeks longer on the residential aspect of the course, rather than coming home. I haven't replied.

It's hard not to contemplate things, and mourn a little the passing of what could have been something pretty special.

Stay the course I say.


Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's asking you if she can stay? A trap. If you say no, you are controlling. If you say yes, you granted permission and it's partially your fault something happened during those 8 weeks so you have no standing to complain.

Don't go visiting. That's trolling for trouble.

Mourn what might have been? I do that weekly just after the lottery numbers are drawn.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Geneboy
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Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lol,

I have a pretty robust grasp of probability and I still play the lottery...

When you wrote a trap there, I kinda imagined you as Admiral Ackbar,

"Is this a trap SF?"
"Shit yeah it's a trap!"


Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you finally posted and got this off your chest. You seem like a hell of a guy and there is someone out there waiting for you right now. I agree with going
dark on the woman. I happen to be a little bit more spiteful than most. I'd take this time and use it to my advantage.

When she's calling you all the time finally call her back at the end of the day and make something up if you have too. Definitely let her know that you are having fun and living life. I'd also tell her a story about a new coworker :) or something like that. She deserves to feel the sting of being dismissed as an insignificant part of your life.Then I'd tell her "I have to get off the phone now and jump in the shower, some friends and I have plans, I'll talk to you soon". Then I wouldn't call her at all. I'd wait for her to call you back after her trying about ten times at least! I'd repeat the same as the first with a different story of course.

Of course when everyone tells you to run for the hills it's the truth and what I'd do in your circumstance. With that being said though there is a slim chance that she may pull her head out of her ass after she realizes what she is about to lose. Reconciliation is always possible but she has to be the one to own her shit and want to make changes. Walking away from something like this hurts no matter if you're married or not. When you love someone it just complicates things.

I wish you the best of luck and am glad you came out of hiding and posted.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 616 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not entirely sure how this dynamic evolved in the relationship. It crept up slowly and then gradually became the status quo.

What victims of abuse regularly say when they begin to realize they've been abused!
This is at least one mighty good subject to explore in IC.
What usually happens is that abusers gradually erode boundaries - frog in boiling water deal.

The honorable thing to do is HONOR YOURSELF & see that you've had pieces of yourself stolen by this person.
She doesn't deserve any more "pieces" of you.


Posts: 6644 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Geneboy
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Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the comments. I've read many of your posts (all of you in fact) and have a great deal of respect for your opinions. SI has been a real safety blanket over the last two years, and I've gleaned much by reading the advice given to others.

I have actually considered casually mentioning stuff. I've recently been considered by a promotion committee to a very respectable post (with commensurate responsibility and salary), and was just thinking of casually dropping that if I did make contact (I would basically be earning three times her wage). That seemed a little petty though, but I do like the idea of the other aspect i.e. just get on with shit, and let her know how much fun I'm having without so to speak.

I did consider confronting the work colleague from her last place. I know he is married, and that there was something going on, and I doubt his wife would have appreciated it one bit. This would be purely a fact finding mission, and I would have to play the cards very very close to the chest to get anything from it, so I'm probably going to err on the side of caution there.

I totally agree that it is a frog in water scenario. When I reread my first post, It feels like an out of body experience. I can't believe I put up with it.

[This message edited by Geneboy at 9:58 AM, June 5th (Thursday)]


Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad Geneman)))

"Mentioning stuff", letting her know how much fun you're having, all of that stuff is a waste of your "pieces" - they're directed toward her. Not where you will find the best place, directing toward you.
Focusing in on you and you alone will blossom something within your heart. There you will find strength, strength to be yourself, and no longer tolerate users (there are many of them), no longer being driven to and fro by outside things, blandishments, attractions to those who would use your goodness against you.

Be still for awhile my friend, and then write your own song about the twisted strands, about how you discovered yourself, and discovery sings.
PM me when you make the papers for the greatness of your song.


Posts: 6644 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Geneboy
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Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Got a message today, saying that the residential has been extended. That is what is known as the straw that broke the camels back.

I'm pretty sure these messages are just status updates now, as I'm not responding to them and there are no calls; I've also noticed that they occur at times outside of when social stuff would be happening i.e. just before dinner or midnight.

I'm at the stage now where I've pretty much stopped caring about this. On a plus note, I'm pretty sure I got chatted up by a contemporary from a different University yesterday. Didn't do anything, or rise to it, but it felt pretty god-damn good.

[This message edited by Geneboy at 2:50 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]


Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
Schadenfreude
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Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you. Maybe she'll get the message, at least until Frank or whatever version of him is currently floating her boat disappears. Be very wary of any future attempts at contact. Smart girls,like her love to have Plan B waiting in the wings.

You didn't need to book a voyage on HMS Beagle, after all.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
HobbesTheTiger
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Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congratulations on getting away from her!

Can you somehow change your number, block her etc. Cut off her means of contacting you?

And be wary of her showing up and trying to tempt you into having sex with her and getting her pregnant... Don't let her in the same room as her! Just, don't, ok! It will be a trap:D

Best wishes


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 233 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
Geneboy
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Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Smart... not entirely sure about that. Cunning definitely... Devisive absolutely...

Pregnant... not even on the cards... no way...

Voyages on the Beagle not really necessary. I work mostly on molecular analysis of rapidly evolving species, and populations. That said, in a month I could probably have enough tucked away, by not spending it on her for a nice diving trip somewhere.

We shall see.


Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
Jduff
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Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That said, in a month I could probably have enough tucked away, by not spending it on her for a nice diving trip somewhere

Like, maybe the Galapagos Islands?


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 553 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
Topic Posts: 56
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