I went to see her after I found out, she lied, mocked me even.
I was heart broken.
She is not your friend and something in her lacks the ability to feel for you and the situation she helped create.
Contacting her can open a new world of pain that you really don't need.
The goal, really, is to get to a place where she doesn't matter. Because she doesn't. She is a nothing in your life now and any attention, time and energy you spend on her takes away from you.
Try to let her go, she is a broken woman who may or may not one day face her demons and heal....but right now, she is not capable of giving you what you need.
Heal you, deal with the double betrayal and let her go. When she no longer invades your thoughts that's when you will get closure. She cannot give it to you.
I understand how you feel too. I'd like to hear OW story too.
I don't know what to advise you. I expect most would say not to bother, as OW will probably give you disrespect and lies.
DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - EA/PA for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1
Hoping for R
She's broken. Honestly, not worth your time. Totally remorseless. Why would you want to invite someone like that back into your life even indirectly?
I do not have any set expectations, I just want to hear her story.
FTR, I've not read of many BS/AP encounters that have gone smoothly, or made healing any easier.
If you have a good IC/MC, I would recommend discussing the pros/cons in therapy and following your therapist's recommendations.
[This message edited by sunnyrain at 12:49 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]
Thank you so much. It feels so nice to NOT feel alone.
I know this is different than the other replies but I think it's something you have to decide and ask yourself what you can and cannot live with? I think we can all agree she isn't worth your time but if you've been obsessing about it then she's taking up space in your head and she doesn't deserve that so if you feel it will remove her from that space I would say do it.
I suppose I don't really want to hear her story. I really just want her to feel properly bad - to have a real conscience, and a true look at the situation and not some overly-romanticized, narcissistic view of it. (Outward appearances show little evidence of that.) However, if she cared one whit what I thought of her, then we wouldn't be in this mess.
I like what karma said:
Try to let her go, she is a broken woman who may or may not one day face her demons and heal...
I am thinking a lot about AP today because I read a book about a 50 year old alcoholic woman. The character's self deception reminded me a lot of AP. (Who also has/had a significant drinking issue, if not full-blown alcoholism.)
So, I am just going to keep chugging along, loving my family the best that I can. Someday my hope is to feel peace from this, and not just peace in her misfortune, but simply, peace.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 4:13 PM, May 29th (Thursday)]
I edit, therefore I am.
I don't feel the need to contact them again.
fire you, when you say you have no expectations, can you get to the heart of WHY you are obsessed?
true, shes not a good person and not worth your time, unless there is something burning in you that it would address. decide your parameters. make boundaries. then stick with it.
I confronted. Twice. She told me she didn't love him. She knew her H had As and this is how she "made self feel better" and lived secret crummy M. So she tried to screw withy M
Anyhow, she wasn't remorseful. Just wondered if I'd tell her H, her parents, our friends. Told her I wasn't sure. (I didn't. Decided to let her live in fear for day I do and not hurt her kids like mine hirt(
I want to meet her again. I want to ask certain questions. I want to tell her how she could never be me. I have respect and dignity still but I know it won't sink in. If she's so screwed up she'd bang her friends H for 2 years, it won't matter
Plus, when I asked H if he told her he loved her, etc he was honest. Said " of course. I said what I thought she'd want to hear so id hear things back in return to make me feel wanted and to keep getting what I needed then from her"
It really won't help talking to ow. They lived a fantasy life for two years and she will see things thru her fantasy lenses.
She will answer for this one day. And she will never be the woman I am
But, if you are R with your H, how does this help? You have no way to know you would get any truths, and she would have an agenda to color it in one way or another. She has no commitment to you M (obviously). At best, you would get confirmation to feel the same, at worst you get a load of new issues to deal with which could even be fabricated.
You probably also feel like this friend betrayed you as well as your H. She did, no doubt about it. I think she might interpret your interest as trying to reconcile with her and that is probably counter productive. Especially if she sees a crack in the resolve of your M.
I know you feel like you are missing something, we all feel that way. But I doubt she can help you with what you feel. Just my opinion.
Reconciled; Sometimes still have hard days, but getting by. Still dealing with feelings I buried,but finally getting them out.
In my case, I never contacted the OM. It is almost 2 years and I still obsess that it was a mistake not to. I can't seem to get over that she called me and I was so paralyzed that I couldn't strike back.
I wish I had solid advice on how to not obsess on these thoughts for all of us. Keeping busy focusing on positive things helps.
Wishing you strength!
It's something I have to accept so I can move on. I'm not even close yet though. I'm sure it doesn't help that they still work together.
[This message edited by AML04 at 10:25 AM, May 31st (Saturday)]
I suppose I don't really want to hear her story. I really just want her to feel properly bad - to have a real conscience, and a true look at the situation and not some overly-romanticized, narcissistic view of it.