Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Taddy (44905)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Explicit question.
Scubadoo
♀ Member
Member # 43079
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stink at topic titles.
After seeing another thread about having sex and orgasms I thought about asking my own.
Quick background : WH affair lasted 8 months. First 4 months EA. then 6-7 weeks of PA, and then another 2.5 months EA.

Mind you he is having a very healthy sex life with me this entire time. Both achieving orgasams, no hang ups at all.

Then D-day comes. I could not even look at him sexually for about a month. Then my sexual appetite for him went from non-existent to I wanted it all day everyday. My appetite went from being very vanilla (excuse my 50 reference) to wanting it very naughty.

My problem is, that I can't get him to cooperate. I want sex, and a lot of it. I want it spiced up. He seems to always be tired or has a lot on his mind. Try me again on the weekend. I can seem to get him going, then it just droops. I can count on 1 hand the times he has actually finished in the last four months. Most of which were all oral in nature.

Now - factors for his defense 1) he absolutely hates his job and immediate boss. 2) he works 11 hours daily Monday-Thursday, then 8 on Friday, and 6 on Saturday 3) he has gained probably 40 pounds in the last 6 months. Gone from a 32/34 to a 38/40. That is really scary.

I keep asking him if it is me, he tells me no. I finally had to ask about the sex with the whore. He claims it was disgusting. He said she has an eating disorder and only weighs about 95 pounds, her skin literally hangs off her bones and her teeth are gross. (my response was - so you fucked it -That doesn't say a lot about you dear). He agreed.
Now mind you I'm no knock-out total vixen, I do have some curves. I think I am overweight at 138 and 5'4. I wear a 4/6. He claims he is sexually attracted to me, but can't prove it to me. My ego is taking another hard blow.

So what is going on?
Any men out there with suggestions? Could he be lying yet again? I really really need this fixed, of course he hasn't seen a dr.


BS (me) 42
WS (him) 48
OW (downgrade) 48
Married 11 yrs
DS 9
DD 8
D-day 10/27/13
8mth

Posts: 97 | Registered: Apr 2014
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It could be so many things and not have anything to do with you, Scubadoo.

My guess is that he is totally exhausted. He is 48 years old and that kind of work schedule is very hard on a young person, but as you get older you just tire more easily. Also, he may be depressed.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9641 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH had a hard time during HB because he felt guilty, he felt like he was benefitting from the whole situation. He even came right out and told me that he wouldn't do it anymore, didn't really work I kind of seduced him.

After HB I have no interest in him sexually at all. I even joked with him that at least we had HB because now it is non existent.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My guess is that he is totally exhausted. He is 48 years old and that kind of work schedule is very hard on a young person, but as you get older you just tire more easily. Also, he may be depressed.

I am going to go with depression.

When I was his age (and older) I worked hours like his and more. 16 to 18 hour days. 80 to 90 hour weeks. And sex was NEVER a problem.

Everyone is different of course. so YMMV.

I think the problem is between his ears.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I keep asking him if it is me, he tells me no.

I finally had to ask about the sex with the whore. He claims it was disgusting. He said she has an eating disorder and only weighs about 95 pounds, her skin literally hangs off her bones and her teeth are gross. (my response was - so you fucked it -That doesn't say a lot about you dear). He agreed.

Now mind you I'm no knock-out total vixen, I do have some curves. I think I am overweight at 138 and 5'4. I wear a 4/6. He claims he is sexually attracted to me, but can't prove it to me. My ego is taking another hard blow.

I think all BS have heard this Bull hockey. I really can not believe they had an affair with someone they weren't attracted to in any way.

There was something that attracted them. Maybe it was just the chance for kinky sex. I think a lot of men who cheat have Madonna whore syndrome.. and women who cheat have.. daddy spank me.. issues that's why so many older men have affairs with women young enough to be their daughters.

I am sorry you are here. Affairs suck the life out of a marriage.

[This message edited by seethelight at 2:55 PM, May 29th (Thursday)]


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1124 | Registered: May 2014
shatteredapart
♀ Member
Member # 41978
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was the same way during HB. At first WH seemed into it then he wasn't as interested. I found out several months later he never went NO with her. The shit hit the fan and now I think all non-work related (very minimal) contact has stopped. It took a few months but our sex drives both match now and that makes me believe NC is really in place. I hope your WH is just exhausted from work stress. {{Scubbadoo}}


Me-BS
Him-WS
EA(PA?) 10 months with COW
3 ddays-Sept '13, Oct '13, Dec '13
Attempting Reconciliation...time and actions will tell

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These posts all have something to offer as in reasons that could be the cause. I'm going to mention a different approach, are you sure he's NC. Just.putting it out there because my ws had these issues but he had gone undergrround. I think it sounds like depression, exhaustion, but just though I would throw the other out to think about.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5025 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Scubadoo
♀ Member
Member # 43079
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow thanks for the quick responses.
Ostrich80 - I am 100% positive the affair is no longer PA. I can account for his actual every location, and she is 10 hours away. As for EA 95% sure it has stopped. I am monitoring all known resources. Yet, after reading posts on here, there are apparently a1000 more ways I don't know about.

As for being tired, I just can't buy that myself. When he was in the midst of the actual physical affair portion he was working 12 hour days fucking her 4 nights a week, and having sex up to 6 times during the 3 days he was at home with me. Seems his stamina was up then.

I am truly hoping it is not me, we were having sex just fine and very frequent for the 2.5 months after he came home before I found out.

My only worry if that it is depression, most of the side effects of anti-depression meds is a decreased libido.

I was wondering if anyone knows of anything I can try homeopathic ally to keep that willy at attention. I'm sorry, but the sexual frustration on my end is getting real. Maybe this frustration is what has finally given me the ability to speak my mind to him though. But, I'm beginning to get quickly frustrated with others too.


BS (me) 42
WS (him) 48
OW (downgrade) 48
Married 11 yrs
DS 9
DD 8
D-day 10/27/13
8mth

Posts: 97 | Registered: Apr 2014
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi. My WS has ED as well. It's a combination of guilt (started during his affairs -7 years and he probably only had intercourse 7-8 times) age and the AD's that he is on because he is so disgusted with himself. Funny though, he was good for the BJ's during the affairs. Mind you during all that times there was probably on 15-20 hook up at the most. And for the BJ's, said he'd have to get himself going because they had no clue how. OMG, can you believe we are talking about this. He even had Viagara but is usually didn't work-all he got was heartburn. As well, when he returned home, we had his testosterone checked and it was barely registering. He is on monthly shots now. I have often wondered if these were lies, but from what has happened over the last 17 months, I don't think it is. Now, he went out specifically for BDSM. Not the ordinary stuff. No, the hard stuff was what he wanted. For months he hasn't even been able to think about it because it brings him so much pain and self loathing. But, he is very concerned about my satisfaction and is extremely giving and caring that way. While I would love good old regular sex, it is not possible at this time. But things are looking up? So, before you decide your WS is not attracted to you, consider everything; the long hours, the guilt, the job and the extra pressure he is putting on himself to perform. Then have a serious talk with him and tell him what YOU need. There are many other ways to be sexually satisfied other then intercourse.

Posts: 1148 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think he needs to go to IC if he hasn't already


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I made sex a requirement for R. For me and my W, that reduced pressure on us, so it worked.

I also made every event slow, and pleasure, not orgasm, as the main goal - of course, I'm a lot older than your H is, and orgasms can get elusive as one ages. Still, focusing just on pleasure may help.

If ED is an issue, at 48 I suffered from a bout of ED, and that was really bad because it was before Viagra was available. The cause for me was physical, so I'd say your H should see his doc.

If he's taking ADs, maybe Welbutrin would help - it's and AD that's supposed to not depress libido.

Good luck.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10059 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Chinadoll30
♀ Member
Member # 43131
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Same exact issue over here. Such a role reversal. Half way through the mast just droops... I think it is guilt.


"We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means 'I survived'." -Chris Cleave

Posts: 290 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Philadelphia
NoDoormat
♀ Member
Member # 43529
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely I'd say it's all the stuff going on in the M, what's between his ears. I bet in your husband's eyes, you are a knock-out total vixen. I really do.

What concerns me is that you're giving "factors for his defense", like he needs to defend himself for some reason. I would be crushed if my H came here talking about how his problem was, that he couldn't get me to cooperate. I know how you feel, and I'm not minimizing it, but I just feel a little uncomfortable with how it seems that demands are being placed on his sexual self.

I promise I don't mean to sound adversarial, because I totally sympathize. It just makes me curious though. When you said "he claims that he is sexually attracted to [you] but can't prove it to [you]", do you mean he claimed he can't prove it to you, or do you mean he claimed he's sexually attracted to you and you have concluded that only his everlasting erection and ejaculation can prove it to you? Why do you "really, really need this fixed" instead of just meeting your own sexual needs for the moment? Have you discussed this with an IC?

I was trying to skip to the R phase without going through the trouble of demanding NC and was initiating a lot of HB (probably as part of my Pick Me Dance) in April (my DDay1) and May (my DDay2). It was largely successful for me, but my H had moments, and at one point he let me have an orgasm and then we had to stop as he began to cry. I felt so horrible. I would never have taken pleasure from him if I had known it was going to make him feel that way. It would have been absolutely triggering for me if the shoe had been on the other foot. I feel like I must not have gotten as far into my therapy as I thought, if I'm engaging in all this histrionic behavior. Maybe I believed my husband overmuch when he told me that he wasn't especially sexually attracted to his EAP and that he thinks I'm hot in the sack, but I didn't take it as a blow to my ego. It just made sense that we're going through a confusing time, and obviously we're each going to experience stretches of time when it's just not working, not matter how much we may will it to.

Haven't you had any times when you're on the brink but can't quite get there since this happened? I know I have!

Also, if you're both coming at this situation from a place of honest love and passion, what if the two of you explored the myriad other ways to alleviate this sexual frustration together? I mean, a large percentage of the population has a long, healthy, satisfying sex life with their partner, and no penis is involved at all, right?

Just thinking out loud here.

If he's taking ADs, maybe Welbutrin would help - it's and AD that's supposed to not depress libido.

Raising my hand! I've been taking it for probably a dozen years, and my desire is kinda low, I'd say, but no lower than it was when I was just depressed and unmedicated! At least now (or until recently) I've been able to take pleasure in my usual activities, feel positive about the interactions that do happen, and don't get negative about the fact that I have kinda low sex drive. Duh! I have depression! Everything about me is low and slow!

[This message edited by NoDoormat at 6:30 PM, May 29th (Thursday)]


Me: MH 38, Him: MH 40
For-real separation for 3 months now.

Posts: 82 | Registered: May 2014
Scubadoo
♀ Member
Member # 43079
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow. NoDoorMat that was very insightful thank you for the post. I'm trying to really take it all in. I guess maybe I am being a little selfish, but it all seemed to start when she stopped.

I promise I don't mean to sound adversarial, because I totally sympathize. It just makes me curious though. When you said "he claims that he is sexually attracted to [you] but can't prove it to [you]", do you mean he claimed he can't prove it to you, or do you mean he claimed he's sexually attracted to you and you have concluded that only his everlasting erection and ejaculation can prove it to you? Why do you "really, really need this fixed" instead of just meeting your own sexual needs for the moment? Have you discussed this with an IC?

I guess your right, his proving it to me in my mind is "finishing the race". It is not even an everlasting erection that I am looking for at this point. I just want an erection that lasts to penetration. Like I said, I can get him hard orally, and can even finish him this way, but moving from there to the next step it just dies. My needs have almost completely been met by me these last months. I should own stock in Energizer. Sorry if this is TMI.

I am saying I really need this fixed so we can be together "wholly" again. I have not discussed with IC, as we have only both just begun MC.

I would even feel better if he initiated manual or oral with me, no penis need be involved. It's just not there. I keep coming back to it being my fault, because like I said everything was fine (even wonderful) until she was out of the picture.
This is also the whore he lost his virginity to. Didn't find that out until our first MC session.
I think though that I will just have to take the reigns so to speak and make a doctors appointment for him. Then I just have to hope he will go and explain the situation to him.

Once again thank you everyone for your responses. I am taking every ounce of information and support I can get. My head tends to lull in the clouds though sometimes.


BS (me) 42
WS (him) 48
OW (downgrade) 48
Married 11 yrs
DS 9
DD 8
D-day 10/27/13
8mth

Posts: 97 | Registered: Apr 2014
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now - factors for his defense 1) he absolutely hates his job and immediate boss. 2) he works 11 hours daily Monday-Thursday, then 8 on Friday, and 6 on Saturday 3) he has gained probably 40 pounds in the last 6 months. Gone from a 32/34 to a 38/40. That is really scary.


Not you, that would tear down just about anybody. Less work, more exercise, better diet and more sleep = several weeks later more sex.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7444 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yea the ad's kind of have that side effect your trying to get away from. You said he's gained a pretty significant amount of weight...that has to have some part in this. Have you thought of joining a gym together or even going for brisk walk every day? I know that when I gain weight, I'm very lethargic.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5025 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Scubadoo
♀ Member
Member # 43079
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah ostrich80, I am thinking the weight has a lot to with it. I found out yesterday he has actually gained 48 pounds since October. I'm sorry but he is seriously starting to look like Buddha. At the +20 pound mark around christmas he decided he wanted equipment to work out with at home. 2500.00 later we have a brand new home gym. Top of the line treadmill, and complete weight machine and free weight systems. All I do now is dust it. He used it three times.
So yesterday I called a friend of mine who is a doctor, asked him generic questions about the AD's and he told me there were 2 good choices that had reduced sexual side effects. Wellbutrin and Remeron. The only downfall he said with Remeron is that it does have a tendency to cause weight gain, no thank you. He said with Wellbutrin use in his patients he has actually seen on a lot of instances some weight loss. So looks like that's the way we will go. I'm going to call Monday to schedule a complete physical for him. I'm just hoping it won't be another month before he can get an appointment.
Thanks again for your insight.


BS (me) 42
WS (him) 48
OW (downgrade) 48
Married 11 yrs
DS 9
DD 8
D-day 10/27/13
8mth

Posts: 97 | Registered: Apr 2014
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:36 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I take wellbuterin and i have lost weight. I'm trying to so its not like a diet pill but it hasn't kept me from losing. I've tried quite a few and this one has worked the best for me. Also helps if yourtrying to quit smoking, I'm told.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5025 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wellbutrin is a great choice to when it comes to not effecting your libido negatively. Some even have an increase.

I would also make sure he gets his T levels checked, just to be sure, with the stress and weight gain, he may have had a dip in them. Getting that back to normal can help a lot.

But the 50 pound weight gain is a big part of all of it. The decreased libido, the lethargy, etc. He is most likely down on himself, as he knows he's gained weight better than anyone. Try exercising together, and it doesn't have to be crazy working out. But get started.

Try switching up the food at home too, to help him start loosing. High protein, low carb meals, and snacks.

Good luck.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8444 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Scubadoo
♀ Member
Member # 43079
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the information. I did it. I just called and made an appointment for him. June 25th. He is going in for a full physical. Now I just have to make a list of things he needs to discuss with his doctor.


BS (me) 42
WS (him) 48
OW (downgrade) 48
Married 11 yrs
DS 9
DD 8
D-day 10/27/13
8mth

Posts: 97 | Registered: Apr 2014
Topic Posts: 20

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.