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User Topic: Question for WS re Aps
♀ Member
Member # 42630
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought I loved my AP. It wasn't love. While he had many great qualities, all I feel now is the sadness in knowing two broken people got together and did a heckuva job in messing up their lives.

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. Kenji Miyazawa

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2014
♂ Member
Member # 8099
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many thanks all for your insightful posts. We can never truly know what someone else is thinking and, when relationships go through the normal ups and downs, I have found myself on some of the down occasions wondering if my FWS might be having thoughts of what might have been had she pursued her relationship with her AP. It's a question I have not raised with her for various reasons but, as I have found many of the shared experiences on this site beneficial from the aspect of understanding behaviour, I was interested in seeing it through the eyes of WS.

Posts: 469 | Registered: Sep 2005
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If they have strong feelings (positive or negative) it's because there are unresolved emotions there. like intense anger towards the AP for putting the WS in this position for eg would be deflecting responsibility onto the AP or intense dislike of the AP is likely because the WS associates the AP with their own dislike of themselves...make sense?

This is an interesting thread.

Sunvalley or any other WS:

What about if the AP caused a lot of problems afterward such as still stalking, spreading gossip, haunting places where your spouse was known to go. Showing up at restaurants we go to together and flouncing past the table?

The AP did all these things. It has caused ongoing damage to my mind.

My husband initially defended the OW claiming she was a nice person who made a mistake. To that end he pleaded with me not to contact her husband.

Later, he said he regretted trying to prevent me from contacting her spouse sooner.

Also, Initially, he said, he was attracted to her, but it was just sex.

Now, after her ongoing stalking and gossip mongering, he says he hates her and she seems ugly to him?

Is that a normal type of hate, or does it show an ongoing strong attraction.

Because I am concerned that this strong emotion like hate is really the new form his attraction to her has taken.

Any thoughts?

ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, the WSes who stay here are honest. They have pretty good bullshit detectors, and they're very hard on each other.

BSes can say very harsh words to WSes, but it takes a fellow WS to say something that cuts deep into another WS's core.

All in all, I tend to believe what SI's remorseful WSes say.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sporadically do see my AP. Saw him & his new wife last week. I feel incredibly sorry for her, but can't help thinking that she orchestrated it. (He broke up her 1st M & they M'd a year later)

He did some crazy bunny boiler moves after I cut him loose. At the time, there weren't feelings involved on either end; purely physical. His behaviour afterward was utterly bizarre. The more he ramped up the crazy, the more I realized what a bad person he was.

When I see him now, I'm disgusted: w/myself, w/him, even his W.

He is a man who has no problem sleeping w/M'd women. He is predatory in nature, I saw that w/me, the other women he dated (b/c he would bring them to my job, or hunt me down in public & bring them there) & his W.

I don't have feelings for him other than disgust. I am amazed that he has the brass tacks to purposely come to my job, knowing that I'm working that shift, knowing that his W despises me. When I am forced to interact w/him, I have to think about it.

I don't think about him. I blame me for bringing him into my M. He was complicit, I was the person that agreed to/pursued/had the A.

Beyond that, thinking about it/him, I'm embarrassed.

Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 773 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jono as my fWH would say, if he felt like that. He would be with her now. He gave himself the green light to have an A. So, if he wanted her...he would have been with her still.

Your spouse is with you. Not the AP. Hope that helps.

18months since Dday. fWH insists it is indifference. It was never truly about her. Just the attention. But, if pushed. Because after all as a BS I want to hear occasionally that he feels nothing for her...he will tell me that she is not the type of woman he would want to spend the rest of his life with. Then list her faults. Then insist that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Good enough for me.

I think the key here is that we BS don't want our WS thinking that there is anything "special" about a person that would knowingly help destroy us. If there wasn't indifference, I would want disgust.

Me-BW 39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 953 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
♀ Member
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seethelight - i wasnt the WS, I just offered some insight from what my WS shared with me. I cant help you on that one but I understand what you mean. My WS dislike of the OW grew for a while when he saw how she treated me. He was protective of me not her. After the initial anger though he came to realize that she wouldhave never been given the opportunity to intrude on my life or attack me if he hadnt let her into his life. He is still angry anout her actions towards me because he felt I was undeserving, but he realized he brought this mess on for me including bringing someone into the picture that was capable of being so mean and horrible to me. He takes full responsibility for giving her access to me and our life but of course he is not happy how she treated me and how nasty she became after Dday.

Dday July 2013
Me: BW mid 30s
Him: WH mid 30s
4PAs, multiple online As

Posts: 765 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought I was in love with my AP and after the final DDay I struggled a lot with his "betrayal" of me and was hurt that he could do what he did...granted I threw him under the bus first but for some reason I was still hurt.

I am still trying to get to indifference....even after 10 months of NC....I am not totally there yet but am closer than I was.

I dislike my AP and if I saw him I would have more than a few things to say to him. He is a pathological liar and manipulative and a coward. But I have also come to realize that he is just as broken as I am, which is why he got involved with me...the difference between us is I was ready to change and become an authentic person and he wasn't.

"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 28
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