If they have strong feelings (positive or negative) it's because there are unresolved emotions there. like intense anger towards the AP for putting the WS in this position for eg would be deflecting responsibility onto the AP or intense dislike of the AP is likely because the WS associates the AP with their own dislike of themselves...make sense?
This is an interesting thread.
Sunvalley or any other WS:
What about if the AP caused a lot of problems afterward such as still stalking, spreading gossip, haunting places where your spouse was known to go. Showing up at restaurants we go to together and flouncing past the table?
The AP did all these things. It has caused ongoing damage to my mind.
My husband initially defended the OW claiming she was a nice person who made a mistake. To that end he pleaded with me not to contact her husband.
Later, he said he regretted trying to prevent me from contacting her spouse sooner.
Also, Initially, he said, he was attracted to her, but it was just sex.
Now, after her ongoing stalking and gossip mongering, he says he hates her and she seems ugly to him?
Is that a normal type of hate, or does it show an ongoing strong attraction.
Because I am concerned that this strong emotion like hate is really the new form his attraction to her has taken.
BSes can say very harsh words to WSes, but it takes a fellow WS to say something that cuts deep into another WS's core.
All in all, I tend to believe what SI's remorseful WSes say.
He did some crazy bunny boiler moves after I cut him loose. At the time, there weren't feelings involved on either end; purely physical. His behaviour afterward was utterly bizarre. The more he ramped up the crazy, the more I realized what a bad person he was.
When I see him now, I'm disgusted: w/myself, w/him, even his W.
He is a man who has no problem sleeping w/M'd women. He is predatory in nature, I saw that w/me, the other women he dated (b/c he would bring them to my job, or hunt me down in public & bring them there) & his W.
I don't have feelings for him other than disgust. I am amazed that he has the brass tacks to purposely come to my job, knowing that I'm working that shift, knowing that his W despises me. When I am forced to interact w/him, I have to think about it.
I don't think about him. I blame me for bringing him into my M. He was complicit, I was the person that agreed to/pursued/had the A.
Beyond that, thinking about it/him, I'm embarrassed.
18months since Dday. fWH insists it is indifference. It was never truly about her. Just the attention. But, if pushed. Because after all as a BS I want to hear occasionally that he feels nothing for her...he will tell me that she is not the type of woman he would want to spend the rest of his life with. Then list her faults. Then insist that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Good enough for me.
I think the key here is that we BS don't want our WS thinking that there is anything "special" about a person that would knowingly help destroy us. If there wasn't indifference, I would want disgust.
I am still trying to get to indifference....even after 10 months of NC....I am not totally there yet but am closer than I was.
I dislike my AP and if I saw him I would have more than a few things to say to him. He is a pathological liar and manipulative and a coward. But I have also come to realize that he is just as broken as I am, which is why he got involved with me...the difference between us is I was ready to change and become an authentic person and he wasn't.