We are both in MC (which started during TT) and IC (which stared after and was one of my terms for R). So far WH is remorseful and doing the work. He is broken and knows he must fix himself before I see myself recommitting to our marriage. He broke the marriage vows and our marriage is dead. I am cautiously open to R but have told WH it is too soon for me to be "all in". Slowly we are finding ways to work through the pain and I am determining if what we have is worth the work. In all honesty, some days I feel that it is and some days I am ready to throw in the towel.
I was thinking today that in a way the fact that the EA turned into a PA may in our case, help our chances. No, I am not glad that he had sex with a 22 yo COW. I could have lived my entire married life without a third person involved in my marriage. But considering the PA ended on it's own 2 months before DD (of course that is if his timeline is entirely true), Apparently, the 8 times they had sexual contact (3 of which were intercourse) were enough for them to realize that wasn't what their relationship was about.
The EA continued until DD. Why am I thinking that at least he won't be wondering the "what if" or "what it would have been like" to be physical with her?
Like everything else in this entire situation, I feel like these random thoughts are just me trying to rationalize the irrational.
Status: cautiously in R
I could have lived my entire married life without a third person involved in my marriage.
I like the way you put that.
I think you'll find, as you go along, that you'll have all sorts of crazy thoughts. Most of 'em come and go. Some stay for a while. IMO, it's all from
1) the human desire to make sense of life, or
2) an issue you have to deal with, or
3) random noise generated by your creative mind....
This particular thought sounds like it came from random noise.
My advice is to accept/roll with the weird thoughts and stay focused on your healing - processing the grief, anger, and fear that comes with being betrayed.
JMO, of course.
[This message edited by sisoon at 5:39 PM, May 29th (Thursday)]
However, that thought is pretty random of me, because the betrayal has been hugely devastating, even though it was an EA. So maybe my logic about this wasn't sound in the first place ugh...
You'll see people on here saying they couldn't tolerate X, Y or Z, as if somehow there is a scale of adultery. Obviously some things are more heinous than others, but, we all hurt.
I have caught myself thinking the opposite of you -- why couldn't my H have taken longer to get to a PA? Why did he go from EA to PA in a month? Some people take years, or not at all! It is all different shades of crazy, in my opinion.
So, you are trying to self-soothe in my opinion. And you know, it really could be worse for almost all of us. Maybe it is a step towards acceptance. Be easy on yourself.