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User Topic: What do I do now?
NoDoormat
♀ Member
Member # 43529
Question  Posted: 7:06 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so confused.

I have on my WS hat tonight. In MC, I dropped the bomb on my poor H that the EA that was over 10 years ago had an 8 month PA component in the middle. I knew I needed to come clean about that or we would never make a full recovery if it is still possible. And I needed to not be a POS about it anymore and do the right thing.

My poor H is in the depths of a midlife crisis, without any coping tools at all. This EA that he's having is just one piece of it. He needs to investigate whether he wants to be married to me at all separate from that, just as I do.

I know I've been told I needed to do a hard 180, so I did that, but our situation is just too complicated to just throw him out and file for D.

And we're doing an in-house separation for a month (still to be negotiated, hopefully Monday, but for now, just staying out of each other's way when not at MC), and I blast him with this right at a time when I cannot demonstrate true remorseful behavior myself.

Obviously, I still need to have boundaries to protect myself, but right at this moment I feel like if he's amenable to it, we can keep renegotiating separation for a while until he's got some stuff figured out. He's bound to be feeling a lot of resentment over being kept ITD for a decade because I was a selfish asshole.

It's crazy, but I can't help feeling a tiny bit of optimism. I know he may choose to leave me after this latest revelation. I know my M could still be over even if we get past the affairs.

But maybe if I hang in there with him through this MLC and make sure he at least has a place to live while he goes to counseling, we can still R later?


Me: MH 38, Him: MH 40
For-real separation for 3 months now.

Posts: 82 | Registered: May 2014
Better4it
♂ Member
Member # 43420
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi NoDoormat,

That must have been very hard for the both of you. My opinion is you made the right decision. You confessed your sin and you did it with your MC being present. That must have felt like a ton of bricks being lifted off your back. I also believe true R isn't possible unless both partiies are 100% open with everything no matter how hard it is to discuss. Good luck to you.


WW 40 (her)
BH 40 (me)

Posts: 63 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Southwest
BlackHorse
♂ Member
Member # 43459
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello again "NoDoormat".

At this very crucial time for both you and your husband it seems obvious you both need to be open and honest.

He needs to know what he is dealing with - just as you need to know what you are dealing with - so as to give both of you and your marriage a fighting chance - without the regret of thinking was there something else that should have been done that could have saved it.

Hopefully he will see it as you extending the "olive branch" towards complete openness and honesty first - and in good faith.

Stay strong young lady - you are worth it. And never let anyone tell you otherwise - even if that anyone happens to be "yourself".

- BlackHorse.


Not together long enough - too many long separations due to her continuing medical issues.
Me - Canadian.
She - American.
Both of us in our fifties.
D-Day - 04/30/14 (while she was away seeking medical assistance in her homeland)

Posts: 82 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The West Coast of Canada
NoDoormat
♀ Member
Member # 43529
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Felt more like a ton of bricks dropped onto us both. I'm pretty sure he's going to leave me now, even though he loves me very much.

I've been suicidal since Thursday.

[This message edited by NoDoormat at 11:09 AM, June 1st (Sunday)]


Me: MH 38, Him: MH 40
For-real separation for 3 months now.

Posts: 82 | Registered: May 2014
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, how much of you suicidal thinking is guilt over your A?

You really can own what you did, recover, and thrive, with or without your H. You can redeem yourself, and you'll find doing the work to be extremely worthwhile.

Please check in every day, and before you do anything to hurt yourself call 1-800-273-talk.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10425 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 5

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