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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I'm Back
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Took a week off. Missed y'all but was out making memories with Hubster and kidlets.

Interesting thing happened and I'll try to explain it without getting gross.

Trips are always a source of excitement yet dread. I love to travel and see new things. However there's always dread. Because QS has this thing about intimacy and vacations. Like, he's making a bucket list of when/where/how before we pull out of the driveway. And maybe I'm crazy, but I always thought the point of travel was to explore. Not stay in a hotel room getting our freak on. Can't we do that anytime? Don't get me wrong. I'm not opposed to intimacy while gone. But I don't *have* to have it. Intimacy doesn't dictate whether the trip was a success or failure. The point of travel is to explore our new surroundings. Which is what I try to do. Make the best of my time in that new location.

I cannot tell you how many times we've gone on an adventure and he's come home and said it was an "ok" trip. Just ok??? Excuuuse me but weren't you standing right there when DD and DS experienced something new? Did you miss the looks of wonder and rapture on their faces? Did you not think that thing we did this afternoon downtown was totally wicked? All the stuff we did, all the pictures and memories, but the trip was only "ok"? And I get a "Well it would have been more awesome if we'd...more...but ya know...whatever...Too late now."

So we were gone this week. And we had tons planned. And I was stressed. Because our schedule was full. Because my body was wonky. And I was bracing for the comments, gropes, expectations I was sure to get from him. Because that is the pattern. Soon as we're in the car, he's making suggestive comments and putting pressure on me. He's constantly searching for an opportunity. It's exhausting. And frustrating.

However a weird thing happened. I was braced and waiting, but he didn't push. He didn't make comments. He didn't grope. He didn't throw attitude. He didn't push me away as a result of him not getting what he wanted. He was happy, attentive, and gentle. He was present. And he had a total blast. We partied like rock stars all day, ran our legs off doing stuff, come back to the room, and fell into bed exhausted.

We got home and I was still wary. Because I knew the analysis of the trip would come. The whole, "Yeah it was ok but could have been better but oh well too late now." It didn't come. He started talking and I heard contentment, peace, happiness.

So I asked him why the change. What made this trip different from the others. Basically...we were not ok as a couple. The thought of spending time alone, with no life/work distractions was terrifying. I was wayward on crack. Zero communication. We weren't fun. The only time he felt a sense of happiness and peace was when we were intimate. It was the one time we were even remotely on the same page. Being alone was scary. But being intimate made it less so. It was an illusion that everything was ok. It was enough of a distraction to hold us over till life/work came back in the picture.

Now things are different. I have changed. He's changed. He feels safe with me. We are content. We can coexist peacefully. Whether it's a busy or quiet setting. Whether we are talking or not we don't *need* intimacy to punctuate our time together.

You know what that means? I mean it really struck home with me. He really likes me. He loves me. He didn't *need* intimacy to endure his time with me. I must be a pretty ok person to hang out for 6 full days with. And he had fun. With me. Real fun. And he's ok with how the week turned out. The success of our trip was not measure by intimacy.

His lack of pushing, expectation, and underhanded comments have given me a sense of relief, calm, and happiness. I'm relieved he had fun. I'm relieved he feels safe and content. I feel calm because the pressure and expectation is gone. I feel happy because I can see and feel his happiness. We've reached a sort of understanding. It's kinda cool. And oddly, it makes me want to give him what he would like, no strings attached. It's a gift. Not a chore. Not a peace offering. Not a consolation prize. A gift.

Oh and one more thing. While gone, I let go of control. One night while there, we left our children with a friend and QS and I went to dinner. We had a very good conversation over excellent food. And we came back to the room and our kids were alive and well and not violated. They had fun and they were safe. I let go of control. I let go of FEAR. I trusted my instincts with our friend. And it payed off. While it's a stupid thing for some, the realization of what I did put me in tears. Mother has drilled into me that nobody can be trusted. But it's not true. I am finding that out for myself. A little at a time.

So yeah. I'm back youse guyz.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6437 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm grinning like a fool reading this, Aubrie. So much to love here. Big HUGE wonderful things, both between you and QS and with the trust leap that paid off so beautifully.

Love love love.


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26218 | Registered: Aug 2011
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome back! What a nice update.


Posts: 8021 | Registered: Dec 2010
EvolvingSoul
♀ Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, hell yes.

I'm doing the Snoopy dance for you.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 53062 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG...I thought I was the only one!!! I have tried to explain to my H why I ended up hating vacations and travel with him and I have never quite gotten it out like you. You explained my feelings perfectly. A great trip, especially with the kids, turned into a major "thing". Sharing rooms, running all day, eating weird food, all made intimacy/sex out the door. Then you get the pout. That turns into quiet brooding with flashes of irritation. Then you return home and good memories are out the door because you did not find a way to get freaky. Then, after a few years instead of pouting, it became a holier than thou attitude that he had this great control. That was worse.

Now, he has mellowed into realizing his "needs" are pretty petty sometimes. Delaying gratification is part of being a mature adult and other things can be just as gratifying in the moment. Now we travel with the kids and grand kids. Good times regardless of the sexual intimacy. It feels so much better, doesn't it? We relax, sometimes it comes, sometimes it doesn't, no pressure.

[This message edited by Lovedyoumore at 1:32 PM, May 30th (Friday)]


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, Aubrie. Very nicely done. You continue to be an inspiration!


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 802 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A great positive update. I'm happy for you guys.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

We remarried in 2014.


Posts: 2328 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks gang.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6437 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
stroppy_wanadoo
♀ Member
Member # 11224
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got goosebumps reading this. So beautiful for both of you!

You and QS continue to serve as models... for all the bumps and potholes in the road, you keep on truckin'. The destination is beautiful, and you're finding it!

YAAAAAY!!!!!


Posts: 1052 | Registered: Jul 2006
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad that you not only had a wonderful time, but that the two of you found yourselves even closer on this trip!


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5105 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awesome update hun!!! So happy for the two of you.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss


Posts: 2802 | Registered: Oct 2012
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5551 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
isadora
♀ Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4520 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
gahurts
♂ Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What NIK said. X2

This was great to hear. So glad you had such a great vacation.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3475 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And oddly, it makes me want to give him what he would like, no strings attached.

Honestly Aubrie, I was reading your post and thinking to myself how wonderful it was for you that there was a shift in the dynamic while the two of you were on vacation, but where the compromise? Why not meet him halfway? And then I read the above quote and I see that it wasn't just him changing

Slight t/j here, but intimacy should never have strings attached. It should never be used as currency. And it should never be a chore. I don't know how so many women get it in their heads that we reward our spouses with sex. I did it too. After DDay, some sort of switch flipped. It was no longer currency but something I wanted and enjoyed with my husband. I learned to relax with it. I also learned that men like a little romance too. And the more we give each other through out the day, the more we give each other at night (or morning or whenever ). End t/j

Bottom line is that I am happy for you. Learning new dynamics that work for both involved can be difficult and when there is forward momentum that should always be something to smile about!


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 770 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
wildbananas
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Aubrie, I'm smiling like crazy for you guys!

So awesome.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15435 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And it should never be a chore. I don't know how so many women get it in their heads that we reward our spouses with sex.
Dual answer. I learned sex would give a sort of validation. It got me attention. Which I stupidly interpreted as affection. I craved affection from my Dad. Not sexual mind you. Just love. When he walked away, I found many replacements. They were warped replacements, but its what "worked" for me, for a little while.

Also, Mother. She hates men, she hates sex. Dad is a "dirty old man with one thing on his mind" and "if he ever dies, I'm living alone". #1. Sex is gross and wrong. #2. That's all men want.

So sex and affection became currency and a chore in my mind. I engaged because I needed a "fix", but I hated it because it was "wrong".


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6437 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Sex is gross and wrong. #2. That's all men want.

You are not alone in that thinking. I just wonder why we are brought up to think this way. How did that start? I keep telling HT that I feel like I blew a dozen years of missed opportunities with him. So I soak in the new found intimacy we have today. Not just sex but the whole package. And I hate that it took infidelity for us to have these conversations.

He tried so hard to talk to me about it. I didn't want to listen and he didn't want to hurt me. So here we are. And I am so fortunate that I have the opportunity to experience true intimacy with my husband.

I apologize, I keep t/j'ing. I just find it interesting.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 770 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not alone in that thinking. I just wonder why we are brought up to think this way. How did that start? I keep telling HT that I feel like I blew a dozen years of missed opportunities with him. So I soak in the new found intimacy we have today. Not just sex but the whole package. And I hate that it took infidelity for us to have these conversations.

He tried so hard to talk to me about it. I didn't want to listen and he didn't want to hurt me. So here we are. And I am so fortunate that I have the opportunity to experience true intimacy with my husband.

Preach Girlfriend.

I know *some* of why Mother believed that way. She was around much abuse. Physical, mental, sexual. Men were monsters. How Dad got lumped in there, I'm not quite sure. (I mean, *I* think he's a jerk for other reasons. But why her?) Is her subconscious picking up traits in him that she recognizes from her past? What did her mother and grandmother teach her? Is their influence part of her issue? Dunno.

Couple that with religion and you have a fine kettle of fish! Sex = children. I have never gotten any other vibe from her than that. Men are pigs. Sex produces children. That's it. There's no intimacy. There's no soft looks. There's no gentleness. There's no real connection.

Anything that QS and I have now, we learned thru the school of hard knocks. And YES, I HATE that it took me blowing up his life to get to where we are. This is what he craved all along. And now that he are here, he is incredibly gracious in not saying, "Well DUH Aubrie. I *tried* to tell you..."

*sigh*


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6437 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Topic Posts: 20

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