He may be doing things now but it's really about the long haul. You can't just make a judgement call based on a few weeks, or months if the choice is R, unless they are saying they will try and do the total opposite, or if they say they are not sure and demonstrate the inability to actually do anything necessary.
[This message edited by LostSamurai at 12:14 PM, May 30th (Friday)]
I just read something elsewhere that made me think of this. My H has said several times in casual conversations since DDay that he's smart enough to know what rules don't apply to him. Are you effing kidding me?! No wonder he's still not NC! Is he even capable of feeling remorse?!
But he is going to MC with me and has started IC and I know he is going to do the work of fixing his shit. So there are actions in that direction too.
I just hope I can stick around long enough to see him get to the remorse.
In your case your husband isn't even saying for sure he wants the marriage. he is saying he doesn't know. In that instance, I would take stock in his words. If someone is wishy-washy and unsure, you should let them go. You deserve to be with someone who knows what they want (ie - you)
Also, I don't believe his actions are actually showing he wants to stay married. Gently, holding you in bed,a nd calling youf rom work aren't really much effort for him, and wouldnt show much to me. He's not being transparent financially. He's not actively seeking IC. He's not asking you what he can do to make things better.
What I see is a man whose telling you he's not sure whether he wants to be married, and his actions are reinforcing that.
I say push him off the fence.
I set a date, and plan to act by then if I don't see what needs to be done.
I don't tell her what needs to be done. She should know right off the bat. If you have to say something, and they aren't asking then it is already a down hill battle from there.
No need to babysit and try to heal. It's too hard and too annoying. And the WS takes for granted the Reconciliation that you offer when they are NOT SURE, or THEY GUESS.
The other 50% feels like from our 17 year history that when he's mad or whatever at me, he won't call or touch me and is a downright bastard.
How long do I wait? Or do I? I know, there's no answer for that. But once I start the separation process, for me there is no going back. I'm not ready to let go yet. I feel so weak.
I don't think the issue is whether or not he's mad at you. Honestly, most Waywards aren't necessarily "mad" at their betrayed spouses. in contract, they usually go full throttle into being loving, i'll do anything to save our marriage type behavior.
I think that you can give him 2 weeks to see if he makes a drastic turn in attitude, including openly declaring his commitment to you, and coming up with a plan for how he will restore your trust.
I understand you're weak. I'm sure staying with your husband will be tolerable. He will be nice at times, loving at times, things will be normal and life will continue. Until you realize he's still cheating.
'I guess' and not asking how he can make this up to you could come from shame, guilt, depression, confusion, or a zillion other things, but you're not sure, so I think one requirement is that he and you learn to communicate with each other ... MC sounds like a good way to start that.
IC to figure out how to change from cheater to good partner is, IMO, essential for WSes, assuming you can find a good IC.
What else would show remorse to you?
If you don't want to spell this out for him, it could mean you, too, have a communication problem, or that you don't want to R, or a different zillion other things.... Figure out where you are, where you want to be, and how to get from here to there. You can do this.
[This message edited by sisoon at 1:41 PM, May 30th (Friday)]
He was fine on the weekend but on Monday when he had to go to work and face her and himself, he got nasty. Classic transference.
Not necessarily. A lot of waywards pick fights or act nasty to the spouse before seeing their AP b/c in their mind it helps justify their betrayals (ie well she doesn't love me anyway, so might as well spend time with OW)
Honestly I still don't see it in him. So he went 2 days doing everything you asked. Im sorry but that is NOTHING.
This man is still fighting R each step of the way.
I highly suspect he is still engaged in the affair on some level.
You've described 2 people. One sem to be on board for R. The other is just effed up all over the place. Unless and until he decides to become the on board R person full time, R is impossible - and it will be very hard even after he gives up his addictions, because thy have a powerful hold.
Very tough choice for you.
Two children, innocent victims (14 & 15)
When I look back, we both hurt each other in so many ways and our lack of honesty and maturity coupled with poor communication led us to where we are today