He mentioned yesterday that he was soon going to tell her not to contact him and he would not contact her for the month that we are separated, so that he can work on fixing his shit. (I know, it's not a commitment to totally end it, but I believe it's a place to start from!)
Gently.....this is a common wayward stance. I have read about it in infidelity and adultery books, I have talked about it in IC, and I witnessed it first hand as I watched my wife.
This whole idea that "I can just sort this out on my own...I just need space." is pure bullshit.
My wife expressed this idea to herself time and again. She expressed it to her sister before I had my first DD....she supported this idea that my wife could somehow just stop her A and sort things out with me........THEN decide what she would do.
Adultery is sexual sin. There is no sorting needed! What is needed is stopping and running like hell the other way. Period.
I know....I used porn. I know about sexual sin, I know about how it gets a hold of you, I know how white-knuckling and handling it on your own is NOT an option. Its foolish to think the same twisted mind that got you into that pit is the same one that will get you out all on its own.
I also am a recovering codependent. I know that drive and desire to be overly optimistic when it comes to your spouse. I choose poorly after my first DD. By my own actions I opened myself up to further hurt...helped drive that knife deeper into me.
Please don't do what I did.
180 was hard for me. But I learned how to do it. Now it seems elementary, but I struggled hard with it.
When you are doing it well you WON'T find yourself examining your spouses reactions to it. You will find you can breath again. You will find parts of yourself you subconciously lost along the way. It will feel better and better.
You also know you are doing it well when your counterdependent spouse starts to get angry and defensive. They DON'T want to change. But you changing will force them to change. Doesn't mean they will change in healthy ways....they could have another affair, drink, throw themselves into work....any of a number of selfish, destructive actions. But by the nature of a relationship they must change.
180 is NOT a manipulation tool. I suggest it is not a one time tool either. When done right it is a way to live. It creates a healthy person who can bond in healthy ways to others....and create the interdependence that M was created for.
Counterdependent folks LIKE their independence. Projecting some here....but that inhouse separation where your husband can be independent with minimal pain (especially if he is continuing to nurture his affair) is NOT healthy. It is what a wayward would be comfortable with that is still in their affair or within their fog.
My wife would have welcomed that as it would have reduced her pain. Honestly, if he did not dump her....I think my wife would have welcomed being kicked out. There was a real part of her that was "sorting things out" to the point where she was ready to destroy two families to feed what she thought was something very special and unique.
She is not that person anymore....but at the point where your husband is at....she was.
Is it really acceptable to you to wait for 4 weeks to see if your husband was in an "exit affair". He needs to grow a set and step up or step out.
The fact he is open with you about his continued contact with his EAP is NOT noble. It is degrading and manipulative.....a classic counterdependent tool.
I know....I have lived that nightmare.
Here is what helped me.
I put one of my daughters in my shoes....put her at my age, sitting on her bed, interacting with her husband who had been unfaithful to her. I watched her as she played my part.
It turned my stomach. I hurt so bad for her.
Then I asked why. Why was it okay for me to accept that sitch and all the pain it carries with it....and yet, when my daughter choose as I did, it was HORRIFIC and easy to see the destructive reality of it?
Codependency. Its why spouses stay in abusive situation.
IMO....your husband is abusing you right now.
Please find a good therapist. Ignore your husband as if he were a toxic chemical spill. You have not had a final DD yet. Until that happens you are not only in pain, you are suffering.
Until the suffering stops, healing can not start. Certainly R is out of the question.
I feel your pain. Texting was how I discovered my wifes affair. First DD, my wife was having an EA so it was infidelity but not adultery. I choose as you are choosing. I had a second DD. Wife took EA to the PA arena...adultery was now officially a part of our marital history.
My wife now says how she wishes she had stopped after my first DD.
Your husband doesn't realize it yet but he is hurting himself, he is destroying parts of himself. If this OW truly loved him (she doesn't, he doesnt) she would not willingly help destroy parts of him to his core.
Post often...find some RL relationship friendly girl friends to reach out to. Your husband has turned away from you...chase him at your own peril.
God is with us all.