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User Topic: Good news or not?
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, I don't see the point of MC with someone who isn't willing to work to save the M. It's a waste of money, time, and hope and many MC's won't even offering counseling to a couple when the AP is still in the picture. Mine explicitly told us he wouldn't.

Your WS is still in fantasy land. If I were you, I'd stop MC and work on IC for myself. He doesn't deserve MC. He is not even considering how he's stacked the deck in AP's favor. How can you compete with the unicorns and pixie dust of the A? No spouse can because we represent the real world. Everyone (save for the foggy WS) knows unicorns and pixie dust are not real.

BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 571 | Registered: Jan 2014
♀ Member
Member # 43529
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, I know. But I had to try.

He knows that he is in fantasy land. He knows that he's stacked the deck in AP's favor, and he knows that I can't compete.

He's made his choice. I feel sad for him that it's all going to go down the crap catcher all for a woman that he isn't even especially sexually attracted to. How stupid.

Me: MH 38, Him: MH 40
For-real separation for 3 months now.

Posts: 82 | Registered: May 2014
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Call and change the appointment to a IC. If he shows up, tell him you changed your mind, are not interested in MC or in continuing the marriage.

He has absolutely no regard for you or your marriage.

He is still in the affair.

At this time, you need to focus 100% on yourself.

And yes you should kick him out today.

This is horrible abuse what he is doing to you.

Posts: 533 | Registered: Feb 2014
♀ Member
Member # 43529
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, the MC thought it would be at first. But I want him there so I can tell him in a safe space. Once I've told him, I'll probably ask him to leave so that she can take care of me for a while.

I've already arranged to spend tomorrow at a coworker's house and see a friend Sunday night.

I can't believe he's being such a shithead right now. You just don't understand; we were made for each other.

Me: MH 38, Him: MH 40
For-real separation for 3 months now.

Posts: 82 | Registered: May 2014
♀ Member
Member # 39175
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you were made for each other this would not be happening. If you were meant to be then he would be cleaning his act up and worshiping you. He is not.

It'll be easier to cope if you don't have to see him all the time.

BS 22
WS 26
D-Day #1 EA/PA Oct 2011
D-Day #2 EA/PA Feb 2012
D-Day #3 EA/PA Mar 2012
^On going affair with former girlfriend.
D-Day #4 PA April 2013
D-Day #5 PA May 2014

I cannot see any hope in R, I am truly shattered.

Posts: 74 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Missouri
♀ Member
Member # 19911
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take this for what it's worth, as I'm still trying to master the 180 and working to be less co-dependent.

Rather than call your MC, I'd go to my own IC and skip texting H and sharing with him how you're feeling shaky. The only contact should be finances (as I know you don't have kids).

You've been doing well with limiting the convos, and here I have to disagree with everyone about the in-house separation. Not sure if your reasons are monetary or otherwise, but a strong 180 even though sharing a residence DOES have an impact. All those memories of time spent together in various parts of the home versus being holed up in the spare bedroom like a fleabag motel, yeah, that'll make an impact. The smells coming from the kitchen, yeah, that's not your dinner, bub. The hamper getting ripe? Gotta handle it yourself, now that you fired your housekeeper...

It's only been a few days for you, although I know each day feels like a lifetime. I'd keep at it, and make sure you've got more dinners with friends and activities scheduled, too. It does truly help to keep yourself busy.

((NoDoormat)) <-- love your username, by the way!

Me: The faithful one
Him: WS
4 great kids
Married 28 years, together 36
D-Day: April 1, 2006 (yep, April Fool's Day...)
Aaaaaas Yoooouuu Wiiiiiish...

Posts: 650 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Here & There
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think he threw you a bone hoping to placate you. The owning up to a "slip" is a red herring. He is hoping to throw you off your senses while he regroups. If he is still friends with the AP, still in contact with her after you have told him how it makes you feel, then you have your answer.

Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
♀ Member
Member # 42546
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish i had this found this site on my first DDay. I really believe had i handled things differently from the beginning it would have saved me months of pain.

IMO as long as he believes all the decisions are his, things will never change. In house separation and MC when he refuses to go NC come across as wishy-washy. His life doesn't change much and im sure he thinks that as soon as he makes his mind up he can have you back - or not as HE decides. I say this because i was the queen of wishy-washy. Not because that is normally me but because i was so shocked, hurt,scared i could do nothing else. It was only after i finally got my feet back under and made decisions for me (admittedly after catching him in contact for the third time) that he was hit was a dose of reality.

You are worth so much more than what he is giving you. It's hard to remember that when you've been knocked down but until you do he will not have a reason to change.

Me: 44
Him: 39
DD: 1/5/14 (the final one)
Trying to recover

Posts: 184 | Registered: Feb 2014
Topic Posts: 28
Pages: 1 · 2

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